Why is a man-of-war's man like a race-horse? Because, whilst one of the fleet, he must have his backer. Why is a redbreast like a modest thief? Because you can tell by his blush he's a-robbin'. Apropos of Robbin, what circumstance in the life of Robinson Crusoe doubtless gave the greatest satisfaction to himself, but the opposite of that feeling to his parents? When he first hankered after a voyage. How do we know that when Theodore Hook and Sydney Smith died, England was more distracted than it was at the death of either Lord Nelson or the Duke of Wellington? Because upon the decease of the two former it was plain the country lost its wits. [Ahem! some of its wits; they were very good, but they didn't write or say quite everything they get the credit for.] What is a man like who is in the middle of the river when he can't swim? Like to be drowned. [Poor Wetter-un! if he could only keep up a light heart he'd do; or if he had but a swimming in his head even. But, alas! no; he's gone.] Why do pioneers march at the head of a regiment? To axe the way. [A husband bragged the other day that his wife was so lovely that she had been followed, when out walking, by one entire battalion of foot-guards, officers and all, in one day, without any one being near to brigade to her or help her. It turned out to be only one solitary man who was thus indiscreet. The husband still swears, though, it was a wretch-he-meant !] Hif yer ladyship will permit me, I will with the profoundest re spect come for once hinto your ladyship's presence hunre quested, and divide myself inter two. Thank you, my lady. So heggsalted am I hin the character of my Fust that I have habsolutely trampled upon the pride of kings, and the greatest swells upon hearth have bowed thesselves down to hembrace me, and yet the very dirtiest gutter as ever you saw is not too hunclean to' ave me for its hinmate. In my Second wot wariety! I am as rich as Creeses, yet pore as the weeping hobjeck of your benevolential halms; I ham young, beaucheous, and bullooming, yet hold, hugly, hantiquated, and huneasy, and yet your ladyship's hown hequal, some say souperior, but of that there is very few proofs, so let it pass; but now that I am no longer divided, I am as I were at fust before I begun—your ladyship's most obedjent and wery yumble servant to command. A footman. When is a gambler like an umbrella? When he's used up! 66 [The allusion here to a rainy day" is exquisite: make it.] Methinks I see my First lying in the pale moonlight, so still, and calm, and grey on all around, and I can see my Second deploring the misery of having it for ever in his eye, and I can hear my Whole toll his solemn bell preparatory to my First's being carried away. [Acknowledge, now, you thought it was something solemn when we spoke of that bell. Well, it does toll to tell you to empty your does-toll; now dustn't it?] Why do young ladies rave about sunset and twilight? Because they are daughters of Eve. [Deliciously lovely women look in demi-twilight, don't they? much better than in swell silk dresses. Our wives and daughters didn't daughter dress themselves so silkyly, if they want to look nice.] Why is love like a Scotch plaid? Because it's all stuff, and often crossed. [They say love is good to make young people grow: it increases their sighs.] We must ask you the old one about the fish.-Why is a whale like a lover's heart? Because it's a sea-creatur' of great sighs. [What a pity it is when lovers fall out, isn't it? To think that hot words should produce a coolness! But, you know, everybody is liable to the unpleasant vicissitudes of life. Even an oyster, which is one of the most placid of creatures, is liable to get into a stew. Ah! it's stew terrible to even think of.] WHEN are very, very, very badly wounded soldiers like fainting ladies? When they're come in two. Why didn't our soldiers think much of the Ashantee women? Because each female had very little on her (honour) in that country. What grade must an officer who was once a private have attained to become like a Hansom hailed off the Strand? He must be a cab-ta'en from the ranks. [Your father's not a captain; your father's major. You may stare, but it': a fact. Think it out.] When a girl wants you to fall in love with her, what officer should she mention to you? She should say, come-adore! Why is a Peninsular officer with a profusion of whiskers like a horse-doctor? Because he's a veteran-hairy. Why is a furnace for heating cannon-balls like the letter S? [Good old sell that, isn't it? about When is a man most like a cannon-ball? -When he looks round!] [P.S.-What sort of a French coachman is the most in the Bounding Ball of Babylon line?—A ric-cochet.] The riddle of riddles-it leaps and it skips; The heart. [We remember once meeting a man who had just escaped by a miracle from being run over; he couldn't speak; his heart was in his mouth, and he didn't appear to like it. We met him again a week after, and he told us that for the future he intended, when he got to a crossing, to . . . run over himself. Poor feller! we trust it is still well with him.] Quelle difference y a-t-il entre un tailleur et un railleur ? Pendant que l'un prend le thé (T), l'autre prend l'air (I'R). |