What's the difference between a child who kisses his mother and one who smacks his father?

He's partial to his mar, and martial to his par.

[It was, perhaps, of this child that they tell this tale: A little four-year-old told his father he was a fool. On being reprimanded by his mother and required to say he was sorry, he toddled up to the insulted parent, and exclaimed, "Papa, I'm sorry you's a fool."]

Who was the first Prince of Wails?

Jeremiah.

What relation is your father's only brother's sister-in-law to you? Why, your mother, of course.

Place yourself opposite a gentleman's portrait, look at it, and say this: "Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man's father is my father's son." What relation is he to you? Find out the answer for yourself. It's awful: it'll turn your hair grey to do it; but do it, nevertheless-oh! do it.

A man said he had a brother and a sister. They were all children of the same parents, and yet he was no relation to either of them. What was he? Now, dear Reader, do think this out a little before reading the answer; just argue a littlebrother and sister-same parents. Let us repeat the ques tion: A man said he had a sister and a brother; they were each of them children of the same parents, and still he was no relation to either of them. What was he?

A most confounded liar.

Formed half above and half beneath the earth,
We, sisters, owe to art a second birth.
The smith's and carpenter's adopted daughters,
Made on the earth to travel o'er the waters.
Swifter we move as tighter we are bound,
Yet neither touch the water, air, nor ground.
We serve the poor for use, the rich for whim,
Sink when it rains, and when it freezes swim.
A pair of skates.

When does a billiard-player remind you of a skater who has just got let in ?

When he makes an-ice break.

When skating there, ask why the lake in the Regent's Park (the Servantine will do quite as well) is like a lake in Canada? Say, "Because it's the Lake Huron !"

Why is Egypt like England?

It's a Nile-land.

[We went Egyp'-seeing there: pretty gipsies at Esné.]

What's the difference between a man who leads you up to a skating fair one, and a very knowing card of a fellow?

One leads you up to, the other puts you up to a (w)rink-girl or two!

[P.S.-What fun it would be to take notes of people who tumbled down at the rink or on the ice, and read in the papers something like this about it: "Our assistants report this morning that 1,743 people slipped down yesterday on the perfidious concrete. Of these, 1, 148 were men, 403 women, and 200 miscellaneous. The table shows that over 380 landed on their elbows, the others sat down. Of the entire number 1,742 of them swore -131 audibly."]

[P.P.S.-Hooray! more statistics. Of the 1,001 young ladies who fainted last year, 987 fell into the arms of gentlemen, two fell on the floor, and one into a water-butt.]

Why is even the best lady skater of necessity very unsteady on her feet?

Because if her straps are not tight, her skates will be loose, and in either case her heels must be screwed.

Why is water-cress like a very melancholy event?

Because it is being continually cried about.

Apropos of this crying nuisance, what very bad practice was the comet guilty of?

Tale bearing.

Why have we also reason to suppose it lacked refinement of manners?

Because it was constantly in the company of a
Great Bear.

Why is the bear at the Zoological Gardens likely to find himself at home?

Because he is still near the pole, and frequently feels the effect of a cold climb.

Why was the prophet Daniel put into a den of lions, instead of being hung?

Because he was sentenced under the law of the
Medes and Persians, which (h)altereth not.

Why was Pharaoh's daughter like discount houses?

Because she got a little profit from the rushes on the Bank of the Nile.

[A poor little profit, tho': ex Nilo nihil fit, you know. to eat in the Nile.]

There's nothing fit

[P.S.-The best translation we have yet heard of ex nilo nihil fit is-You

can't get breeks from a Highlandman.]

[P.P.S.-Lor! we thought you could, only that you oughtn't to.]

Why is a water-lily like a whale ?

Because they both come to the surface to blow. [Apropos of being "like a whale," how good some of these similes are,

ain't they?

As wet as a fish-as dry as a bone;

As live as a bird-as dead as a stone;

As plump as a partridge-as poor as a rat;
As strong as a horse-as weak as a cat;
As hard as a flint-as soft as a mole;
As white as a lily-as black as a coal;

As plain as a pike-staff—as rough as a bear;
As light as a drum-as free as the air;
As heavy as lead-as light as a feather;
As steady as time-uncertain as weather;
As hot as an oven-as cold as a frog;
As gay as a lark-as sick as a dog;

As slow as the tortoise-as swift as the wind;
As true as the Gospel-as false as mankind;
As thin as a herring-as fat as a pig;
As proud as a peacock-as blithe as a grig;
As savage as tigers-as mild as a dove;
As stiff as a poker-as limp as a glove;
As blind as a bat-as deaf as a post;

As cool as a cucumber-as warm as a toast;
As flat as a flounder-as round as a ball;
As blunt as a hammer-as sharp as an awl;
As red as a ferret-as safe as the stocks;
As bold as a thief-as sly as a fox;

As straight as an arrow-as crook'd as a bow;
As yellow as saffron-as black as a sloe;
As brittle as glass-as tough as is gristle;
As neat as my nail-as clean as a whistle;
As good as a feast-as bad as a witch;
As light as is day—as dark as is pitch;
As brisk as a bee-as dull as an ass;
As full as a tick-as solid as brass.

Very good, are they not? But the last one about the brass we have always heard connected with boldness and brazenness; what you may perhaps call as-y manners!]

Old Mother Twitchet she had but one eye,
And a very long tail, which she always let fly;

And every time she went over a gap,

She left a great piece of her tail in a trap.
A needle and thread.

Tantot noir, tantot blanc,

T'ai des veines, mais point de sang!
Marble.

[Marble! we should think it was. Marble? It's marble-ous.]

At table we often appear,

And commonly come with the fish,
We always get cut when we're there,
Though no one to eat us could wish.

Cards.

[Good thing to say to a man when he has turned up the best trump, "Come, make ace and play it if you've the f-ace to do it."]