Why is a bad husband better than a good one? Because bad's the best. [We know a girl who says that when she dies she hopes to have tobacco planted over her grave, that the weed nourished by her dust may be made into cigarettes by her bereaved lovers. There is poetry in the idea.] Which is the more fashionable name at Christmas-time, William or Robert? Will; because Bills come in, Bobs go out. Now, then, Shakspearian Reader, why was Petruchio like your teeth (that is, if you have any if you haven't, dent mention it)? Why, we say, was Petruchio like your toothy-pegs ? Because he was accustomed to master-Kate. [Good woman in time of need, this Kate; always ready to come to the scratch.] What's the difference between a law-suit and a cat? One has claws at the end of its paws, the other has pauses at the ends of its clauses. [P.S.-Wasn't this a good answer? A County Court Judge threatened the other day to fine a lawyer for contempt of Court. "I have expressed no contempt for the Court," said the lawyer; on the contrary, I have carefully concealed my feelings."] 66 [P.P.S.-Kenealy as good as another friend of ours, if not quite.] We were once told to go and buy sixpennyworth of straight hooks, a hot-water ice, some pigeons' milk, and a cock's egg. They were awkward things to find; but we began with the last-named article first; and where did we go to look for it? To India, and one particular Him-a layer. [A friend made some cock's egg-cus Indicus out of it, to catch fish with.] Quel est le fruit le plus dangereux aux poissons? La pêche. [Quite so. Now poissons to the next chapter.] In what two days in a life-time can a man travel the farthest, and where does he travel on these two days? The day before his marriage and the day after it. When is a lover justified in calling his sweetheart honey? Why are two pinnacles to a church like twin babies? Because, O Reader, are they just-ah !-parapets. When do two and two not make four? When they stand for 22. I am just two and two, I am warm, I am cold : I am often sold dear, good for nothing when bought; A lady who a kiss doth take, And gives it back again, Does by that act a something make, Which you are to explain. Re-bus. [If you don't see this, your brains must be dark as Ārebus.] What is that which is put in a bottle, and by courtesy termed a cork? A cork. [We never think of corks without thinking of that cooper who, dining in a hurry, when he ought to have been stopping up a barrel, poor man! burnt his tongue, when he ought instead to have turned his bung. Sad, eh!] What part of the year is not our own? That part which is Lent. [We should have been silent about this old joke, only we wanted an excuse to tell you this little tale about a new sort of faith.-A teacher in a school that stood on the banks of a river once wished to communicate to his pupils an idea of faith. While he was trying to explain the meaning of the word, a small covered boat hove in sight. Seizing upon the incident for illustration, he exclaimed, "If I were to tell you that there was a leg of mutton in that boat, you would believe me, would you not, without even seeing it yourselves?"-"Yes, sir," replied the scholars." Well, that is faith," said the teacher. The next day, in order to test their recollection of the lesson, he inquired, "What is faith?"-"A leg of mutton in a boat," was the answer, shouted from all parts of the school. Good boys!] What is a settlement of a conveyance? When an omnibus smashes a cab. What is the most difficult surgical operation? To take the jaw out of a woman. [Never mind, you darling creature! if anybody asks you this, say to him, Well, you hold jaws, then; yes, you hold yours."] 66 Why is a really good Roman Catholic priest like one of the Neapolitan fishermen ? Because he worships his maker-on'y. [Ah, it is very sad! but a good many women remind us exceedingly of maccaroni; for they are fair without, but-hollow within.] [P.S.-Noisy beasts, Neapolitans: live on make-a-row-ni.] Why is a wife like a patten? Because she's a clog with a ring to it. [Not if she's a pattern wife; but this reminds us of the old sell, of What is a Derby hamper composed of? Your wife when she goes with you.] Why is an omnibus en route for the Bank, whilst stopping at Charing Cross, like an orphan? Because it's got no farther. [We suppose you've heard this very orphan before-we never did.] If you were obliged to swallow a man, who would you select? A little Dublin porter. [Do; it will assuredly re-Cooper-rate your decaying forces.] We've heard fourteen various old versions of this: this one is the last we have got.-Were a young lady to be consulted about the way she would like to be kissed, what papers would she include in her answer? No Spectators, no Observers, and no Hera: a great many Times, a lot of Presses, and no Family Herald. [Ah! well, there are two or three other papers beside these, which she evidently as yet knows nothing of.] What is the best thing to prevent a maid from despairing? [Oh, the hearts and sighences !] What is the differences between a volunteer who shoots wide of the target, and a husband who blackens his wife's eyes? The one misses his mark, and the other marks his missis. Apropos of shooting, brings us to Hurling 'em to the ground— poor doves! So we will ask you, Why did not the last dove return to the Ark? He had sufficient grounds for not doing so. [Do you like olives? there are some rather good olive stories. Ask us to dinner, and we'll tell 'em to you.] Why do men who are about to fight a duel choose a field as their rendezvous? Because we all know the bull-it likes to graze. Why is a small sword like beer? It's no use till it's drawn. [The connection between sword and sward is obvious: we have a blade of steel in one, a blade of grass from the other.] Weak to a proverb, my First has been reckoned, All gloried in wounds, and set death at defiance. Waterloo. [You Waterloo-se all you possess, if you don't guess this.] Why are darned stockings like Charles I. and Charles II.? Because they are men-ded. [Darned hard lines-mended socks.] "More like Charles [P.S.-Good story that of the man, who, in describing some good-looking, dark-haired booby, likened him to Charles II. I.," said his friend: "he's got no head."] |