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The schoolboy whips his taxed top ; the beardless youth manages his taxed horse, with a taxed bridle, on a taxed road ; and the dying Englishman, pouring his medicine, which has paid seven per cent. into a spoon that has paid fifteen per cent., flings himself back upon his chintz bed, which has paid twenty-two per cent., makes his will on an eight-pound *tamp, and expires in the arms of an apothecary, who has paid a license of a hundred pounds for the privilege of putting him to death. His whole property is then immediately taxed from two to ten per cent. Besides the probate, large sees are demanded for burying him in the chancel; his virtuco are handed down to posterity on taxed marble; and he is then gathcred to his fathers, to be taxed no more.

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516 SYDNEY SMITH

singular language if our doctor were to say to him : “My good friend, you surely will not be so rash as to attempt to get rid of these pains in your stomach. Have you not grown rich with these pains in your stomach 2 Have you not risen under them from poverty to prosperity ? Has not your situation since you were first attacked been improving every year? You surely will not be so foolish and so indiscreet as to part with the pains in your stomach 2" Why, what would be the answer of the rustic to this nonsensical monition ? “Monster of rhubarb,” he would say, “I am not rich in consequence of the pains in my stomach, but in spite of the pains in my stomach ; and I should have been ten times richer, and fifty times happier, if I had never had any pains in my stomach at all.” Gentlemen, these rotten boroughs are your pains in the stomach.

TAXES THE PRICE OF GLORY

[There is another pithy example of Smith's amusing way of presenting serious truths which has been quoted a thousand times, and is likely to be quoted many thousand times more. Here is one of its thousand presentations to the reading public.]

John Bull can inform Jonathan what are the inevitable consequences of being too fond of glory !—Taxes | Taxes upon every article which enters into the mouth, or covers the back, or is placed under the foot; taxes upon everything which it is pleasant to see, hear, feel, smell or taste; taxes upon warmth, light and locomotion ; taxes on everything on earth, and the waters under the earth ; on everything that comes from abroad, or is grown at home ;"taxes on the raw material; taxes on every fresh value that is added to it by the industry of men ; taxes on the sauce which pampers man's appetite, and the drug which restores him to health : on the ermine which decorates the judge, and the rope which hangs the criminal ; on the poor man's salt, and the rich man's spice Von the brass nails of the coffin, and the ribbons of the bride;—at bed-or board, couchant or levant, we must pay.

The schoolboy whips his taxed top; the beardless youth manages his taxed horse, with a taxed bridle, on a taxed road ; and the dying Englishman, pouring his medicine, which has paid seven per cent. into a spoon that has paid fifteen per cent., flings himself back upon his chintz bed, which has paid twenty-two per cent., makes his will on an eight-pound stamp, and expires in the arms of an apothecary, who has paid a license of a hundred pounds for the privilege of putting him to death. His whole property is then immediately taxed from two to ten per cent. Besides the probate, large fees are demanded for burying him in the chancel; his virtues are handed down to posterity on taxed marble; and he is then gathered to his fathers, to be taxed no more.

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