"How so?" "Practically every one who steps on the boards thinks he is cast for the star part, and, as a general thing, he's more than half through his lines before he discovers his mistake."-Chicago Post. EMBARRASSING A DIFFICULT PROBLEM There was a dear li'l pink baby on the train and the elderly man evinced much interest and stopped to peek-a-boo at it. “A fine youngster," said he to the young mother. "I hope you will bring him up to be an upright and conscientious man." "Yes," smiled the fond mother, "but I'm afraid it is going to be a bit difficult, as-" "Oh, nonsense," continued the adviser; "as the twig is bent so is the tree inclined." "I know it," agreed the mother; "but this twig is bent on being a girl, and we are inclined to let it go at that."-Selected. MISUNDERSTOOD HIS MEANING A gentleman who had married his cook was giving a dinner party, and between the courses the good lady sat with her hands spread on the tablecloth. Suddenly the burr of conversation ceased, and in the silence that followed a young man on the right of his hostess said, pleasantly: "Awful pause!" "Yes, they may be," said the old-time cook, with heightened color; "and yours would be like them if you had done half my work."-Evangelical Tidings. WAS GLAD TO MEET HER Visitor (at private hospital).--"Can I see Lieutenant Barker, please?" Matron. "We do not allow ordinary visiting. May I ask if you're a relative?" Visitor (boldly).—“Oh, yes! I'm his sister." Matron.-"Dear me! I'm very glad to meet you. I'm his mother."-Punch. ENGLISH HUMOR HOW AMERICA HAPPENED TO BE DISCOVERED The average foreigner can rarely comprehend the geographical area of the United States, as was quite fully illustrated by the Englishman and his valet, who had been traveling due west from Boston for five days. At the end of the fifth day master and servant were seated in the smoking car, and it was observed that the man was gazing steadily and thoughtfully out of the window. Finally his companion became curious. "William," said he, "of what are you thinking?" "I was just thinking, sir, about the discovery of Hamerica," replied the valet. "Columbus didn't do such a wonderful thing, after all, when he found this country, did he, now, sir? Hafter all's said an' done, 'ow could 'e 'elp it?"-Everybody's Magazine. DID AS HE WAS TOLD A certain English foreman in one of the Kensington textile factories is in the habit of having an apprentice heat his luncheon for him. The other day he called a new apprentice. "Go downstairs and 'eat up my lunch for me," ordered the foreman. The boy, a typical young American with no knowledge of cockney English, obeyed with alacrity. He was hungry. Ten minutes later the foreman came down. He also was hungry. "Where's my lunch?" he demanded. The boy gazed at him in amazement. "You told me to eat it up, and I eat it." "I didn't tell you to heat it up," roared the irate foreman. “I told you to 'eat it up." "Well, I didn't heat it up," maintained the youngster, stoutly; "I eat it cold."-Selected. ALL DROPPED THE H "Once in Banbury says a writer in the Baltimore Sun, "I dined with an English. farme:. We had ham for dinner-a most delicious ham, baked. The farmer's son soon finished his portion and passed his plate again. 'More 'am, father,' he said. The farmer frowned. 'Don't say 'am, son; say 'am.' 'I did say 'am,' the lad protested, in an injured tone. 'You said 'am,' cried the father, fiercely. "Am's what it should be. 'Am, not 'am.' In the midst of the controversy the farmer's wife with a little deprecatory smile. "They both think they're saying 'am!' she said."-Selected. turned to me HER FIRST REPORT A girl who was running a London 'bus was making out her first report. Under the heading "Accidents," she stated: "Bumped into an old gent." Under the heading, "Remarks," she said: "Simply awful."-Selected. OVERDOING VENTILATION American people have a very high appreciation of the humor of Englishmen, and have been specially tickled by a story Colonel Cody used to tell. He said that some years ago an Englishman who had never been in the West before was his guest. They were riding through a Rocky Mountain cañon one day, when suddenly a tremendous gust of wind came swooping down upon them and actually carried the Englishman clean off the wagon seat. After he had been picked up, he combed the sand and gravel out of his whiskers and said: "I say! I think you overdo ventilation in this country!”—TitBits. GOT EVERYTHING REVERSED Lord D'Aliverus. "These blawsted Americans turn everything the wrong way." Miss Tootsie Myliens.-"How so, my lord?" Lord D'Aliverus.-"Why, they talk about the Russian bally, when any awss can see they mean the bally Russians !"-Jack-o'Lantern. A BAD ENGLISHMAN Alphonse "Ah! Ze vile Ingleeshman !" Paul-"Vat he done?" Alphonse "Ze bad sixpence I give him in hese change he vas give me for a tip."-Selected. TOO MANY HAITCHES Signaler at Telephone-"Hairships approaching from the Heast!" Voice on Phone-"What?" "Hairships approaching from the Heast!" Well-meaning Friend (whispering)-"Try dropping yer haitches, Harthur!"-London Opinion. ENTERPRISE WANTED TO RAISE HIS DEPOSIT At the application department of the gas office a few days ago a man was somewhat taken aback when the clerk said to him: "Of course, you know, you will have to leave a deposit of $5." "No," the man replied, “I didn't know that. What's that for?" "Security against loss to the company." "I don't think that's fair." "But of course, you know, we pay interest at 6 per cent." "You pay interest at 6 per cent?" "Oh, yes." "That's different." The next day the man approached another clerk at the application window and said: "This is the place you leave deposits for meters, isn't it?" "Yes," the clerk replied. "At 6 per cent?" "Exactly." Then, to the astonishment of the clerk, the man presented a big roll of bills and remarked: "I made a deposit of $5 here yesterday, and I want to raise it to a thousand."-Youngstown Telegram. A SAMPLE OF INTENSIVE FARMING "How's farming?" "Fine. You know that abandoned farm I picked up?” "That prompted my question." "I sold quarry rights to one crowd and rented the surface as golf links. Now if I can lease the air to some wireless company, I'll have about everything under cultivation. Who says intensive farming doesn't pay ?"-Selected. TRUE A man who had nothing to do After one week in Lima He took a home steamer And lectured on "Life in Peru." -Selected. A GOOD COLLECTOR Merchant (to detective)-"Some fellow has been representing himself as a collector of ours. He's been taking in more money than any two of the men we have and I want him collared as quickly as possible." Detective "All right. I'll have him in jail in less than a week." Merchant "Great Scott, man! I don't want to put him in jail; I want to engage him."-Boston Transcript. WHO KILLED CONCENTRATION? Concentration was dead, and all the birds of the air and all the forces of the earth came to do him honor. "I," said the Lady, "I did it with my social functions and my yearly trips to Europe. I killed Concentration." "I did it," said the Highbrow, "with my lectures and reading and my uplift, not to mention my philosophical systems and vague superiorities-I was the one who killed Concentration." "Sorry to interrupt," said the Parents, "but we really did it. We insisted upon having so many distracting things in the house, not to mention putting on more style day by day, that we were the chief, if humble, instruments in the hands of an all-wise Providence who did away with Concentration-we are the proud authors of his dissolution." "I did it," said the Tango, "with my restless midnight spirit; of course I did it. I killed Concentration." "Which reminds me that I am the one," remarked the Movies. "Yes, I did it with my cheap realism; how could Concentration live after I came on the stage? The mere suggestion is absurd. I accomplished the demise." "Pooh!" sang the Phonograph. "Wasn't I before you? I started his death, all right. I guess I know. I killed Concentration myself!" And then they all bowed low, and took a back seat as the real author came. “I did it, didn't I?" said the School System, and Concentration, rising out of his coffin, remarked posthumously: "Believe me, it was you, all right."-Selected. ERRORS A COUNTRY PAPER'S MIX One of the small papers published an item lately which was a weird mixup of an account of a wedding and an auction notice. The most interesting part of the item follows: "William Smith, the only son of Mr. and Mrs. Josiah Smith, and Miss Lucy Anderson were disposed of at public auction at my farm, one mile east, in the presence of seventy-five guests, including two mules and twelve head of cattle. "The Rev. Mr. Jackson tied the nuptial knot for the parties, averaging 1,250 pounds on hoof. The beautiful home of the bride was decorated with one sulky rake, one feed-grinder and two sets of work harness, nearly new, and just before the ceremony was pronounced, Mendel & Sons' wedding march was rendered by one milch cow, five years old, one Jersey cow and one sheep, who, carrying a bunch of bride's roses in her hand, was very beautiful. She wore one light spring-wagon, two crates of apples, three racks of hay, one grindstone of mousseline de soie and trimmed with about one hundred bushels of spuds. The bridal couple left yesterday on an extended trip.”—Selected. SOME QUEER ADVERTISEMENTS An exchange publishes a few instances of publicity errors which are decidedly amusing. For instance: Sign in bakery window: "Homemade pize." Card in restaurant: "Small steak, 20 cents. Extra small steak, 25 cents." Advertisement in poultry journal: "Plymouth Rock hens ready to lay $1.25 each." From a prepared-roofing ad: "Its bright-red color is permanent and will remain permanent." A Milwaukee paper informs us that "John Huckbody, of Wausau, lost thirty chickens by freezing to death." On a coupon: "The holder of this coupon when properly punched is entitled to one of our beautiful photographs."-Selected. |