THE BULL NOTICED IT The New York girl, spending her vacation in the country, was complaining to the farmer about the savage way the bull regarded her. "Well," said the farmer, “it must be on account of that red blouse you're wearing." "Dear me!" said the girl. "Of course I know it's awfully out of fashion, but I had no idea a country bull would notice it!”— New York World. EQUALLY BAD She (walking home from church): "Did you notice that lovely Parisian hat Mrs. Styler was wearing? I could think of nothing else the whole time." He: "No, my dear-can't say I did. To tell you the truth, I was half asleep most of the time." She: "Then you ought to be ashamed to own it. A nice lot of good the sermon must have done you, I don't think."-Selected. WHAT AMUSED HIM "Isn't that clerk of yours an Indian?" asked the girl. "He is," replied the druggist. "I am reluctant about having him wait on me." "Oh, he's not savage." "I know. But it seems to me he wears a lurking grin when I order paint."-Selected. RELUCTANT EARS "My niece graduates to-morrow." "Standing with reluctant feet, eh, and all that?" "Working with reluctant ears. Seems they won't stay under her hair in the prevalent style.”—Selected. THE NEW WOMAN "There, little girl, don't cry; They have broken your doll, I know"- A woman of sixty or so. -The Lamb. LOUIS XV HEELS "I'm afraid these Louis XV. heels are much too high for me. Perhaps you have lower ones; say, about Louis X. style.”—The Watchman-Examiner. DEIFYING FASHION "Some women defy fashion." "And some deify it."-Boston Transcript. FATNESS HOW HE STOPPED THE EXPRESS Former President Taft, in his younger days, when he was a law reporter, had been studying a case in Somerville, O., and found he couldn't get back to the office that night unless he managed to stop a through express. So he wired to headquarters, "Will you stop the through express at Somerville to take on large party?" The answer came back, "Yes." The express was duly stopped at Somerville. The young law reporter got aboard with his copy, and the conductor said, "Where's that large party I was to take on?" "I'm it," was the chuckling answer. "That's all."-Selected. A FAT PASSENGER "'Urry on, please!" urged the guard. The stout old lady struggled to enter a narrow carriage doorway, but struggled in vain. "Urry on, there!" yelled the guard, approaching her with fire in his eyes. "'Urry on! Git in edgeways, mum! Git in edgeways!" The would-be traveler showed a red, perspiring face over a plump shoulder and regarded the official with an angry glare. “An' wot," she snapped bitterly, "wot if I hain't got no edge?"-Selected. ONLY ONE THING WOULD FIT HIM A three-hundred-pound man stood gazing longingly at the nice things displayed in a haberdasher's window for a marked-down sale. A friend stopped to inquire if he was thinking of buying shirts or pajamas. "Gosh, no!" replied the fat man wistfully. "The only thing that fits me ready-made is a handkerchief."-Liverpool Post. COULD SEE HER THREE BLOCKS "Officer," said a lady much above the usual avoirdupois, "could you see me across the street?" "Madam, I could see you three blocks!"-Judge. FEAR HAD A GOOD NIGHT'S REST "Good morning, Judge," said the prisoner, cheerfully. "You seem in a good humor for a man who has spent the night in jail." "So I am, your honor. I had a good night's rest and that always refreshes me. You see, my wife is a timorous woman, and when I sleep at home I'm compelled to investigate many strange noises. No doubt there were burglars all around me last night, but I didn't have to get out of bed and look for them."-Birmingham AgeHerald. NOT A BURGLAR "Yes, I heard a noise and got up, and there under the bed I saw a man's leg." "Mercy! The burglar's?" "No; my husband's. He had heard the noise too."-Selected. WHY SOME MEN ARE FEARLESS Oft is he that Fears to Run. -Selected. EASILY SATISFIED Nervous Passenger (during the thunder-storm)—“Ain't it dangerous to be on a street-car when it's lightening so?" Calm Passenger-"Not at all. You see, the motorman is a nonconductor." The nervous one felt easier.-Toledo Blade. FIGHTING WOULD RATHER BE CALLED A COWARD Collier's Weekly once told of two Irishmen who were on bad terms with each other. The friends of Flaherty claimed that he had been insulted, and urged him to vindicate his honor. Flaherty said, prudently: "But look at the size of him. The man's a giant." "Very well," responded a disgusted friend, "then all the people will say you are a coward." "Well, I dunno," responded Flaherty, placidly. "At any rate, I'd rayther have thim sayin' that than the day afther to-morrow exclaimin', 'How natural Flaherty looks!"-Selected. SENSITIVE IF HE WAS A LIAR "Why did you strike this man?" asked the judge, sternly. "He called me a liar, Your Honor," replied the accused. "Is that true?" asked the judge, turning to the man with the mussed-up face. "Sure, it's true," said the accuser. "I called him a liar because he is one, and I can prove it." "What have you got to say to that?" asked the judge of the defendant. "It's got nothing to do with the case, Your Honor," was the unexpected reply. "Even if I am a liar, I guess I've got a right to be sensitive about it, ain't I?"-Topeka State Journal. WHY HE WANTED GAS "I want to have a tooth drawn," announced the small boy with the steel-gray eyes, "and I want gas." "You're too young to have gas, my little man," said the dentist. "Besides, I'm sure you aren't afraid of being hurt. Sit still and be a man." "It isn't that at all," said the boy, "but I'm afraid I shall not be able to help giving a bit of a squeal when it comes out." "Well, that won't matter at all," said the dentist. "I'm sure I shall not mind." "No, but I shall. Look out of that window." The dentist looked and saw a lot of grinning lads standing under the window. "They're all the kids I've fought and licked," said the patient, "and they've come to hear me holler."-Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. HOW TO CHEER HIM A professional boxer was badly beaten in a sparring match, and carried to his bed in an exhausted and melancholy condition. "I wish you'd say something to cheer him up, doctor," pleaded the defeated warrior's wife. "He's gettin' low in his mind, and when he's like that you've no idea how hard it is to wait on him. He's worse than a bear with toothache." "What can I say that will please him most?" asked the doctor. "You might just tell him, in an offhand way, that the man as licked him is mighty bad in the horspital, and that they may have to hold a post-mortem on him any minute now," was the solemn suggestion.—Missouri Mule. WASTED SYMPATHY A Jersey man of a benevolent turn of mind encountered a small boy in his neighborhood, who gave evidence of having emerged but lately from a severe battle. "I am sorry," said the man, "to see that you have a black eye, Sammy." Whereupon Sammy retorted: "You go home and be sorry for your own little boy-he's got two!" -Normal Instructor and Primary Plans. HOW HE ESCAPED An Irishman was telling his friend of a narrow escape in the The Irishman said, "The bullet went in me chist and came out me back." war. "But," said the friend, "it would go through your heart and kill you." "Me heart was in me mouth at the time," said the Irishman.Watchman-Examiner. WOULD FIGHT THE SMALL MAN The judge looked over the prisoner and said: "You are privileged to challenge any member of the jury now being impaneled." Hogan brightened. "Well, thin," he said, "yer Honor, Oi'll foight the small mon wid wan eye in the corner, there forninst ye."-Selected. NOT LICKED WHILE HE COULD SPEAK Casey-"When ye're licked in a foight ye ought to say ye've had enough." Dolan "Shure, if Oi can shpake at all Oi'm not licked yet."— Boston Transcript. HOW HE GOT THE MEDAL Woman-"How did you get that Carnegie medal?" Tramp "Heroism, lady. I took it away from a guy that was twice my size."-New Orleans Times-Democrat. REALIZING THE INSULT Manuel, a negro with a record previously clean, was arraigned before the bucolic justice of the peace for assault and battery. “Why did you beat that negro up, Manuel?" questioned the judge. "He called me sumpin', jedge." "What did he call you?" "He called me a rhinoceros, sah, a rhinoceros !" "A rhinoceros! When did this occur?" "'Bout three years ago, jedge." "Three years ago! Then how did it happen that you waited so long to resent it, Manuel?" "Lawd, jedge, I ain't never seen no rhinoceros till dis mawnin'." -Ladies' Home Journal. FISHING SAD FISH STORY "A canny young fisher named Fisher Once fished from the edge of a fissure. Pulled the fisherman in Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher." -Selected. HIS FRIENDS WERE MEAN "It is remarkable," said Mr. Gruntler, "how mean some people are! I had with me on a fishing trip two friends who were familiar with my reputation as an angler. Before starting one of them made the following suggestion: We will agree that the first one who |