catches a fish must treat the crowd.' I assented to this and we started. Now, don't you know, those two fellows both had a bite and were too mean to pull them up!"

"I suppose you lost then?" remarked the friend.

"Oh, no,” replied Mr. Gruntler, "I didn't have any bait on my hook."-Toronto Mail.

NEITHER ONE VALUED TIME

Binks, with a yawn, said to a fisherman: "Time ain't very valuable to you, brother, that's plain. Here I been a-watchin' you three hours, and you ain't had a bite."

"Well," drawled the fisherman, "my time's too valuable anyhow to waste three hours of it watchin' a feller fish that ain't gittin' a bite."—Peoria Journal.

MEANT THE SAME THING

"I intend to enjoy some piscatorial diversion to-morrow." "Oh, professor, why do you want to bother with such highbrow things? Come with us on our fishing party.”—Baltimore American.

NOT A CRIME

Cautious Piscatorial Enthusiast-"My man, is this public water?" Native "Yes." "Then it won't be a crime if I land a fish?" Native "No; it'll be a miracle!"-Ideas.

IN SPRINGTIME

I sometimes drop the fish a line

But can't deny

These little overtures of mine

Get no reply.

-Selected.

ONLY FEEDING THE FISH

"Here, what are you doing? Don't you know you're not allowed to take fish out of this water?"

"I'm not taking them out," replied the angler, who had angled three hours without a catch. "I'm feeding them."-Selected.

FLIMSINESS

A FLIMSY HOUSE

The foreman rushed into the contractor's office and shouted: "Boss, one of them new houses of ours fell down in the night!" "What's that?" exclaimed the boss. "What was the matter? How did it happen?"

"It was the fault of the workmen, boss," answered the foreman. "They took down the scaffolding before they put on the wall paper." -Selected.

FOOTBALL

AN HONORABLE SCAR

First Girl "What a horrid scar Charlie has on his forehead!" Second Girl-"Horrid? The idea! Why, he got that in a football game."-Selected.

FORTUNE TELLING

ONE OBSTACLE IN THE WAY

The beautiful young woman interviewed a fortune teller on the usual subjects. "Lady," said the clairvoyant, "you will visit foreign lands and the courts of kings and queens. You will conquer all rivals and marry the man of your choice. He will be tall and dark and aristocratic looking.” “And young?" interrupted the lady. "Yes, and very rich." The beautiful lady grasped the fortune teller's hands and pressed them hard. "Thank you," she said. "Now tell me one thing more. How shall I get rid of my present husband?"-Selected.

WANTED FINANCIAL REVERSES

"You look very smiling this morning, Toner," said Bailey. "I guess I ought to be. I went to a fortune teller last night and she prophesied immediate financial reverses," chortled Toner. "I fail to see anything very joyous in that," said Bailey.

"You would if you knew anything about my finances," said Toner. "I tell you right now that if they don't reverse pretty quick I'll be busted."-Selected.

FRENCH HUMOR

A LONG CHASE

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the hungry Frenchman told about in a biography recently published in England illustrates the old adage anew.

He was in an English restaurant and wanted eggs for breakfast, but had forgotten the English word. So he got around the difficulty in the following way:

"Vaiterre, vat is dat valking in the yard?"

"A rooster, sir."

"Ah! and vat you call de rooster's vife?"

"The hen, sir."

"And vat you call de childrens of de rooster and his vife?"

"Chickens, sir."

"But vat you call de chickens before dey are chickens?" "Eggs, sir."

"Bring me two."-Selected.

WAS DISCOURAGED WITH ENGLISH

An intelligent Frenchman was studying the English language. "When I discovered that if I was quick I was fast," said he, "and that if I was tied I was fast, if I spent too freely I was fast, and that not to eat was to fast, I was discouraged. But when I came across the sentence, "The first one won one guinea prize,' I was tempted to give up trying to learn English."-Christian Register.

HIS FRENCH WAS TOO PARISIAN

Yank-"Vooley vo donny mwaw-"

Proprietor "Pardon! Monsieur can speak English to me." Yank-"Why so? Can't you understand my French?” Proprietor "Monsieur, I am from the South and find it difficult to comprehend the true Parisian accent."-Selected.

GARDENING

WOULD NOT EVOLVE FURTHER

"It's no use," sighs the nature wizard. "I may as well give up." "What's bothering you?" we ask sympathetically. "I got started a few years ago on a whim of mine. I took a head of cabbage and crossed it with a white potato and grew eyes on it; then I crossed that with a cornstalk and grew ears on it; then I crossed that with a squash and grew a neck on it; then I crossed that with a cocoanut and grew hair on it, but hanged if I can figure out what to do for a nose and mouth!"-St. Louis Republic.

PRACTICAL GARDENING

"We had an expert on intensive gardening before our club last evening."

"Sounds interesting."

"Yes; he read a most instructive paper on how to raise a tulip in a tomato can."-Brooklyn Eagle.

WHAT ONE GROWS IN A GARDEN

Ted. "What does a person usually grow in his garden?"
Bill. "Tired."-Youth's World.

GOLF

HANDICAPPED

"I wouldna say M'Tavish canna learn the game," remarked Sandy, as they trudged home from the links; "but it will be deefficult for him." "Aye," agreed Donald. "At times he will be like to bust, what wi' being so releegious and tongue-tied."-Selected.

"My time," said the magnate, "is worth $100 a minute." "Well," answered his friend, casually, "let's go out this afternoon and play $10,000 or $15,000 worth of golf."-Selected.

GOSSIPING

IT WASN'T HER FAULT

Gossiping Woman (intent on slander)-"One-half of the world don't know how the other half lives."

Neighbor (shortly)-"Well, that isn't your fault."-New York Freeman's Journal.

GREED

NOT FOR THE PUBLIC BENEFIT

Irate Patron-"I thought this railroad was for the benefit of the public."

Railroad Official-"You're away off. The public is for the benefit of the railroad."-Cleveland Leader.

THE MODERN PRODIGAL

The prodigal son had just sneaked in the back way, between two days.

"Owing to the greediness of the beef trust," explained the old man, "we are entirely out of fatted calf, but here's a can-opener. Get busy."-Indianapolis Star.

HOBBIES

COULDN'T GET OFF A HOBBY

An old Irish street preacher told a story of visiting an insane asylum. As he passed along the corridors he saw a big, husky fellow astride of a common wooden chair, holding a pair of reins made of twine strings, bumping back and forth and shouting vociferously, "Git-app!"

"So you are riding your horse this morning, are you?" asked the itinerant preacher.

"Nope." responded the inmate shortly.

"Oh, isn't that a horse you are riding?" asked the visitor.

"Nope, I am riding my hobby," answered the queer one.

"Well, what is the difference?" urged the minister. "You can get off a horse," explained the bug, "but you can't get off a hobby!"-Selected.

HUNTING

HOW JOHN GOT SHOT

First Scout "Did you hear about John getting shot?"

Second Scout-"No. How's that?"

First Scout "Ya; he bought two pounds of it this morning."— Selected.

ILLITERACY

TALKING FRENCH

Two Gilmerton carters, in Gilmerton style, were following their slowly moving cars up the hill road, or "brae," to use Scotch. They were encountered by a tourist. "A steep declivity," said the tourist, as he wiped his brow.

"Oh, ay," muttered one as he looked wise.

"What did the lad say?" said the other, when the tourist had passed on.

"Hoo was I tae ken?" exclaimed the other. "I never learned French."-Christian Endeavor World.

WHAT ARE KEATS?

The little agricultural village had been billed with Lecture on Keats for over a fortnight. The evening arrived at length, bringing the lecturer ready to discourse on the poet. The advertised chairman, taken ill at the last moment, was replaced by a local farmer. This worthy introduced the lecturer and terminated his remarks by saying:

"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have often wondered-what are Keats?"-Selected.

WINDFALL CUCUMBERS?

"These apples are dirty," complained the young housekeeper. "Yes," admitted the farmer, "they are wind falls, and that is why I sell them cheap." "You mean they've fallen from the trees but are otherwise all right?" the customer inquired; then she bought them. Several days later she called the farmer's wife on the telephone. "I ordered the best cucumbers for pickling," she said sharply, "and you've sent me windfalls!" "Sent what!" gasped the farmer's wife. "Windfall cucumbers! I can tell; there's dirt on them!"-Youth's Companion.