THE WORLD'S BEST HUMOROUS ANECDOTES

ABSENT-MINDEDNESS

NOT A VERY GREAT EXPLORER

"Professor Diggs, the famous archæologist, is said to have discovered half a dozen buried cities. Mrs. Diggs ought to be proud of him." "Well, yes, but she would have more respect for his ability as an explorer if she didn't have to find his hat for him every time he leaves the house."-Birmingham Age-Herald.

NO MEMORY AT ALL

"Is he a forgetful man?"

"Forgetful? I should say he is. His wife even accuses him of forgetting at times that he's a married man, and any one who can forget that has no memory at all."-Detroit Free Press.

ABSENT-MINDED

Professor "I went to the railway office to-day and got that umbrella I left on the train last week."

His Wife "That's good! Where is it now?"

Professor-"Eh? By Jove, I, really, my dear, I'm afraid I left it in the train !"-London Answers.

WAS CERTAINLY FORGETFUL

Caller "Is it true, my dear, that your husband is very absentminded?"

Mrs. Newly-"Yes. We've been married six months, and many an evening at eleven he gets up, takes me by the hand, tells me what a delightful time he has had, and would leave if I didn't remind him."-Boston Transcript.

ADVERTISING

MISAPPREHENSION

A certain chemist advertised a patent concoction labeled: "No more colds! No more coughs! Price, 1s. 11⁄2 d."

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A man who bought the mixture came back in three days to complain that he had drunk it all, but was no better.

"Drunk it all!" gasped the chemist. "Why, man, that was an india-rubber solution to put on the soles of your boots."-Tit-Bits.

EXAGGERATED ADVERTISEMENTS

Traveler: "How's train service here?"

Small-Town Native: "Wal, they advertise one train a day, but you and me know them advertisements exaggerate."-Selected.

ADVICE

WAS CARRYING OUT HIS IDEAS

Youth: "I sent you some suggestions telling you how to make your paper more interesting. Have you carried out any of my ideas?" Editor: "Did you meet the office boy with the waste-paper basket as you came upstairs?" Youth: "Yes, yes, I did." Editor: "Well, he was carrying out your ideas."-Tit-Bits.

PROFESSIONAL ADVICE FREE

"Some say you can't get free professional advice."

"Can you?"

"To be sure you can. Your doctor will talk law as long as you will listen, and your lawyer will give you medical advice on any ailment you want to bring up."-Selected.

AGREEABLENESS

WAS VERY AGREEABLE

"Don't you agree with me?" he inquired, after expressing a lengthy opinion about a matter of very little interest to his friend. "Yes, what did you say?" replied his friend.

AMATEURS

PUT THE PAINT ON HIMSELF

"I thought you were working on Jay Krank's new house," said the house-painter's friend.

"I was going to," replied the house-painter, "but I had a quarrel with him, and he said he'd put the paint on himself."

"Did he do it?"

"Yes, that is where he put most of it."-Philadelphia Press.

ART

PORTRAITS AND PIECE-WORK

A merchant prince of Manchester engaged a rising young painter for the purpose of having his own portrait in oils conveyed to posterity. The terms were arranged.

"How long do you think it will take?" asked the model. "Perhaps fifteen days," was the reply.

Sittings began, and the artist entered so heartily into his work that in eleven days the portrait was done.

"Why," asked this Croesus of Cottonopolis, when the fact was announced to him, “do you intend suppressing four days' work?"

"It does not matter at all; the portrait is finished," answered the painter.

"Well, sir, this is not business; we said a hundred guineas and fifteen days' work. I am quite ready to stand the price, but you ought not to spend an hour less upon the work than we agreed for."

There was no use arguing with such a man. The painter took his brush again and spent four sittings more in lengthening, little by little in the portrait, the ears of his patron.-Pearson's Weekly.

AN HONEST LABEL

A cynical-minded gentleman was standing in front of an exhibition of local-art talent labeled "Art Objects."

"Well," he announced to the attendant in charge, "I should think Art would object, and I can't say that I blame her."-Harper's Magazine.

INTERESTED

Mabel had gone to the art exhibit. Not that she cared for pictures, but every one went. A friend saw her and told another friend. Friend No. 2 met her a few days later. "Why, hello, Mabel. I'm awfully glad to see you. I hear you are interested in art."

"Me? Art who?"-Current Opinion.

MARK TWAIN'S JOKE

Whistler, the famous artist, once invited Mark Twain to visit his studio to see a new painting he was just finishing. The humorist examined the canvas for some time in silence, then said, "I'd do away with that cloud if I were you," and extended his hand carelessly toward one corner of the picture as though about to smudge out a cloud effect. Whistler cried out nervously: "Gad, sir, be careful! Don't you see the paint is still wet!"

"Oh, that don't matter," said Mark. "I've got my gloves on.”— Ladies' Home Journal.

SHE WAS ARTISTIC

"She is very artistic," said the impressionable youth. "Yes," answered the man with the steely eye, "she is one of the sort of girls who think a bunch of hand-painted daisies are more important on a dinner-plate than an omelette."-Washington Star.

WHY THEY HUNG THE PICTURE

He "Why did they hang that picture?"

She "Perhaps they couldn't find the artist."-Selected.

AUTHORS

IT MIGHT BE PLAGIARIZED

A Boston firm offered a prize for the best original motto for a pen. A reader promptly sent them "The pen is mightier than the sword," with a request that they would forward the prize by mail. The head of the house wrote a humorous reply, asking the claimant if he could prove himself the author of the saying. The man, evidently an honest soul, at once responded: "I can't say for certain whether I read it or just thought it. I've read McGuffey's Readers and Kidd's Elocution and the Proverbs in the Bible. If it isn't in those books, it is original, and you will please send me the money." -Selected.

HE HAD HIS PREFERENCE

"It is true," severely said the lady of high ideals to the successful writer, "that you have gained much prosperity by your writings, but you have written nothing that will live."

"Perhaps not," returned the author, "but when it comes to a question of which shall live, myself or my writings, I never hesitate to sacrifice my writings."—Ladies' Home Journal.

NOT VERY DEFINITE

Landlord: "In one word, when are you going to pay your arrears?"

Hard-up Author: "I will satisfy your demands as soon as I receive the money which the publisher will pay me if he accepts the novel I am going to send him as soon as the work is finished which I am about to commence when I have found a suitable subject and the necessary inspiration."-Selected.

WHY HE WENT TO CHURCH

Shears. "How is it that young Scribleigh has been attending church so regularly of late?"

Typo. "Why, he says that he likes to go where he is always sure of having his contributions accepted."-A. W. B., in The Lamb.

NO MENTALITY REQUIRED

Doctor: "You will have to give up all mental work for a few weeks."

Patient: "But, doctor, in that event my income would cease. I earn my living by writing poems for the magazines."

Doctor: "Oh, you can keep right on at that."-Selected.

TOO LONG

"No," said the editor, "we cannot use your poem." "Why," asked the poet, "is it too long?"

"Yes," hissed the editor, "it's too long, and too wide, and too thick!"-St. Louis Republic.

BETTER THAN HIS POETRY

"What I admire about Scribbleton is his sang froid. He is always perfectly composed." "That's more than any one can say of his poetry?"-Selected.

A REASONABLE QUESTION

Editor-"Have you submitted these poems anywhere else, first?" Poet-"No, sir."

Editor-"Then, where did you get that black eye?"-Judge.

QUALIFIED AS A CRITIC

Admiral Bradley Fiske was talking in New York about a naval critic.

"This naval critic," he said, “reminds me of Swetson.

"What struck Swetson?' a man asked at the club. 'He failed in medicine, he failed in the law and he failed in the ministry, and now he's moved into a $5,000 flat in Riverside Drive.'

"Well, you see,' said another man, 'Swetson has started to write magazine articles on "Why Men Fail," and he's made a mighty good thing of it. Qualified, you know.'"-The Washington Star.

HE WAS LITERARY

"Colonel Brown seems to be very literary," remarked a visitor to the Brown household to the negro maid, glancing at the pile of manuscripts lying on the floor.

"Yes, ma'am," replied the ebony-faced girl; "yes, ma'am, he sholy am literary. He jes' nat'ally littahs things all ovah this yer house."-Selected.

NOT AN INSPIRATION

Wife of author (hearing the sound of a brow being slapped).— "O Harold! An inspiration?"

The author (sadly).—“No, my dear-a mosquito.”—Punch.

AUTOMOBILING

NEEDED NEW PARTS

"My brother bought a motor here last week,” said an angry man to the salesman that stepped up to greet him, "and he said if anything broke you would supply him with new parts."

"Certainly," said the salesman. "What does he want?"

"He wants two deltoid muscles, a couple of kneecaps, one elbow