NOT A PLANT "What was the farmer talking about?" asked the first summer girl. "A whiffletree," said the other. "Well, I've studied botany, but I never heard of a whiffletree. Sounds like his idea of a joke."-Selected. COULD NOT SIT ON HER HAND Simpson gallantly escorted his Boston hostess to the table. "May I," he asked, "sit on your right hand?" "No," she replied, “I have to eat with that. You'd better take a chair."-Selected. NO SOMNAMBULISM THERE "Is it true that you have a case of somnambulism in your family, my good woman?" "No, ma'am; we ain't never had none of them new-fangled diseases here. The only thing that worries us is that our Mame will walk in her sleep.”—Baltimore American. MONARCHY IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE "Can you tell me," said the Court, addressing Enrico Ufuzzi, under examination at Union Hill, N. J., as to his qualifications for citizenship, "the difference between the powers and prerogatives of the King of England and those of the President of the United States?" "Yezzir," spoke up Ufuzzi, promptly. "King, he got steady job." -New York Morning Telegraph. MORTIFYING A CLOSE GUESS The bashful bachelor on the fifth floor recently encountered a neighbor, a young mother, and, wishing to be neighborly, asked: "How is your little girl, Mrs. Jones?" "My little boy is quite well, I thank you, Mr. Smith," replied the proud mother. "Oh, it's a boy!" exclaimed the bachelor in confusion. "I knew it was one or the other."-Harper's Magazine. SOMETHING FOR HER NECK A young man had been courting a young lady for some time, and desired to buy her a birthday present. He asked her what she most desired, and she told him that she desired something for her neck. When it came to buying the present he took her advice and bought her a cake of soap.-Marion, Pittsburg. SHE COULD RECOGNIZE HIM Young Hibbard was exhibiting some photographs to a charming society girl, with whom he was very much in love. "This one," he said, handing her a picture, "is my photo with two French poodles. Can you recognize me?" "Why, yes, I think so," replied the young woman, looking intently at the picture. “You are the one with the hat on, are you not?"-Selected. HURT HER FEELINGS "What is the matter with your old cat? She looks disconsolate these days." "Pap hurt her feelings dreadfully. Brung home a mouse-trap last week. I told him not to do it. Cats has got their feelings same as anybody else."-Louisville Courier-Journal. MISS LANE'S CAPACITY "My dear Miss Lane, do let me help you to some more pudding." "Well, thanks," said the young woman; "I will take some more, but only just a mouthful, please." "Hilda," said the hostess to the waitress, "fill Miss Lane's plate." -Anonymous. THE CASE WAS HOPELESS "But couldn't you learn to love me, Stella?" he pleaded. "I don't think I could, Frank," she replied. He stood erect, then quickly reached for his hat. "It is as I feared-you are too old to learn."—Everybody's Magazine. WAS LOOKING AT THE DAUGHTER "Did you see the pleased expression on Mrs. Brown's face when I told her she didn't look any older than her daughter?" asked Mr. Jones, after the reception. "No," said Mrs. Jones; "I was looking at the expression on her daughter's face."-Philadelphia Evening Ledger. MOTION PICTURES THE EFFECTS OF PICTURE SHOWS There was a girl in our town, With all her might and main She hurried to another show, -WALTER G. DOTY in Film Fun. TEACHING BY MOVIES Fond Papa-"Well, son, what did you learn in school to-day?" Son-"Aw, not much, dad. We hadda couple of two-reelers in history, a three-reel travelogue in geography, and a split-reel nature study. They useta give a Wild West pitcher once in a while, but they don't do it no more."-Widow. SCIENCE A WONDERFUL THING A camera man working for the educational department of a film company met an old farmer coming out of a house in the town where he was working. "I have just been taking some moving pictures of life on your farm." "Did you catch any of my laborers in motion?" asked the old man, curiously. "Sure I did." The farmer shook his head reflectively, then said: "Science is a wonderful thing."-Selected. THE MOVIES AS EDUCATORS Latest news in the moving-picture world is to the effect that camera squadrons are busy taking war-pictures on the Flanders and Picardy fronts in the outskirts of Los Angeles.-Rochester Post-Express. HELPING THE MOVIES "Why did you put up your city hall to look like an ancient castle?" "Well, the movie people pay a good bit of taxes here, and they said it would be a great help in filming medieval scenes."Pittsburg Sun. NOT AN EASY TASK Camera Man-"I'm sorry, Jack, but we'll have to do that business over again, where you fall off the roof into the rain-barrel and are run over by the steam-roller. My film gave out."-Life. SHE COULDN'T HEAR A WORD Mrs. Gary was eighty, and her city granddaughter entertained her with the picture show. "Did you enjoy the movies?" her country friends asked her. "Yes," the old lady assured them, "but I'm getting that deef I couldn't hear a word they said."-Selected. MUDDLING "TANGLE-TONGUE” The variety of "tangle-tongue" called "Spoonerism" originated, probably, with the earliest attempts at human speech, but though so well known, it is not yet defined in the dictionaries. The association of it with Professor Spooner is recalled by a news paper paragraph which says that in a sermon to Oxford undergraduates he is reported to have said: "Brethren, have you never felt within your heart a half-warmed fish to be good?" His little son came by the failing honestly, for he is credited with saying at breakfast, "Mamma, please pass the parlor maid." Another case mentioned is that of the young curate who, basing his first sermon on the text, "The cock crew and Peter went out and wept bitterly," remarked solemnly, "The cock wept and Peter went out and crew bitterly-no, I mean Peter crew and the cock went out and wept bitterly."-The Outlook. MUDDLED The day was drawing to a close. Judge, jurors, witnesses and lawyers-all were growing weary. Counsel for the prosecution was cross-examining the defendant. "Exactly how far is it between the two towns?" he asked at length. For some time the man stood thinking, then : "About four miles as the cry flows," came the answer. "You mean as the flow cries!" retorted the man of law. The judge leaned forward. "No," he remarked, suavely; "he means as the fly crows." And they all looked at one another, feeling that something was wrong somewhere.-Unidentified. WAS NOT SERIOUSLY INJURED A celebrated vocalist was in a motor-car accident one day. A paper, after recording the accident, added: "We are happy to state that he was able to appear the following evening in three pieces."-Selected. THE VERDICT OR THE JURY A jury recently met to inquire into a case of suicide. After sitting through the evidence the twelve men retired, and after deliberating, returned with the following verdict: "The jury are all of one mind-temporarily insane!"-Onward. WAS SOME BETTER Squire "Well, Matthew, and how are you now?" Convalescent-"Thankee, sir; I be better than I were; but I beant as well as I were afore I was as bad as I be now."-Selected. TWISTED A strange woman, entering the church, had gone to the wrong pew. Nervously the young usher approached her. "Mardon me, padam, but you are occupewing the wrong pie. Allow me to sew you to another sheet."-Selected. MUST BE PATIENT Multimillionaire-"I can't understand it. No matter how good and benevolent I try to be, it seems nobody says a good word about me." His wife -"Never mind, dear; you are not dead yet. Be patient; some day they will."-Selected. COULD NOT REPLACE HER "How do you do?" said a lady to an acquaintance, not entirely used to English, whom she had not seen for a long time. "I am glad to see you again." "Yes," responded the other, doubtfully, "but I cannot replace your face.”—Christian Register. MIXED METAPHOR "Yes," said the lecturer, attempting an eloquent climax to his address, "all along the untrodden paths of nature you can see the footprints of an unseen hand."-Selected. A QUALIFYING CLAUSE It is said that while a revivalist was holding services in one of the remote regions of the South a country convert, full of zeal, offered himself for service. "I am ready to do anything the Lord asks of me," said he, "so it's honorable."-Selected. HIS ABSENCE EXPLAINED "They tell me Jones is dead." "Ah! That's probably why we see him so seldom."-Boston Transcript. QUITE A FEW PRESENT Following the musical program, Mrs. J. T. Brown read an article on "Personal Devils." Seventeen were present.-Boone (Ia.) NewsRepublican. A DANGEROUS QUEST "Lost at Bestwood, Saturday, Irish Terrier Dog, finder rewarded, dead or alive."-(Provincial Paper.)-Punch. BOTH WERE MUDDLED It is said that two Irish war veterans were toasting their regiment in a saloon. Both were somewhat muddled with liquor. Raising a glass of liquor, one of them exclaimed, "Here's to the gallant old 55th, last on the field, and the first to lav' it!" "Ach, you muddler!" exclaimed the other, "that's not right. Listen to me," and raising his glass, he exclaimed: "Here's to the gallant old 55th, equal to none!" |