"Oh, doctor, is it as serious as that?"

The doctor repeated the question and this time the mother replied:

"I go to the Christian church."

"Yes. I know your pastor. Better send for him. He is the best man to raise money that I know."-Missouri Mule.

A WEE BIT SANE

While a certain Scotch minister was conducting religious services in an asylum for the insane one of the inmates cried out wildly: "I say, have we got to listen to this?"

The minister, surprised and confused, turned to the keeper and said:

"Shall I stop speaking?”

The keeper replied:

"No, no; gang along, gang along; that will not happen again. That man only has one lucid moment every seven years."-The Christian Herald.

A WONDERFUL PREACHER

An old negro preacher was introducing a white preacher. The white preacher had offered to preach a sermon for the colored brother, and, in introducing the white preacher, the old negro could not find enough adjectives with which to praise the visitor. "Dis noted preacher," said the old negro to his flock, "is one of de greatest preachers of de age. He knows de unknowable, he kin do de undoable and he can onscrew de onscrutable !"-Selected.

IT WAS BEFORE CIRCUSES

Bishop Evans Tyree said at a picnic in Nashville:

"Some people's faith is like Parson Calhoun Clay's. It talks very big, but makes mental reservations."

"Faith!' roared Parson Cal. 'You must have faith, breddern and sistern. Look at Dan'l in de lions' den! Did de lions eat him? Shorely not! 'Kase why? 'Kase, breddern and sistern, he had faith.'

"'Parson,' a young man asked, 'was dem lions as big as de ones we got nowadays?'

""Shorely not, son, shorely not,' said Parson Cal. 'Dey was B. C., meanin' befo' circuses.'"-Louisville Courier-Journal.

WOULD PREFER INSOMNIA

Lord Rosebery once mentioned to Dr. Creighton that there were times when he could not sleep. The bishop remarked, "Well, my lord, I never suffer from sleeplessness, for whenever I feel weary, I begin to read a sermon; and I am off in a very few seconds." "Ah, my lord," replied Lord Rosebery, "of two evils I will choose

the least. Much rather would I go without sleep than read a sermon !"-The Gem.

NOT THE PREACHER'S FAULT

A Yankee soldier was being shown over an old church in England where hundreds of people had been buried.

"A great many people sleep between these walls," said the guide, indicating the inscription-covered floor with a sweep of his hand.

"So?" said Sammy.

"Same way over in our country. Why

don't you get a more interesting preacher?"-Selected.

HAD THE FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE

Dr. Scrivener, an accomplished scholar, was not very well placed. "My dear Scrivener," said a visitor, "I hope you have a good curate to help you in this heavy charge."

"Oh, the curate has the foot-and-mouth disease."

"The foot-and-mouth disease-I never heard of human beings catching that!"

"That may be," was the reply, "but my colleague has it badly, for he won't visit and he can't preach."-J. S. Flynn, in “Cornwall Forty Years After."

IT MADE THE SKIN TENDER

A minister had just left home when he remembered that he had not shaved. Consequently he paid one of his rare visits to the village barber. That worthy, however, could not effect the operation without cutting the reverend gentleman's chin.

"Ah, John," remonstrated the cleric, "it's an awful thing, the drink."

"It is that, sir," responded the barber. "It makes the skin wonderfully tender!”—Tit-Bits.

WHERE TO FIND THE PREACHER

During the regular pastor's summer vacation the sermons at the Baptist Church were preached by well-known ministers from other churches. A list of coming attractions was posted in the vestibule. One morning when making his announcements for the coming week the day's incumbent mislaid the slip containing the name of his immediate successor, but he supplied the information in this fashion:

"On the way out you will find the preacher for next Sunday hanging up in the vestibule !"-Selected.

THE WORK OF THE PREACHER

"So ye be gaun to lave us, passun," said an old lady to a vicar. "Yes, Sarah," he replied; "I'm getting on in years, and they cannot hear me at the end of the church." "Here 'e! Sure that don't matter so long as we can see 'e; and you know, passun, 'tain't the

pigs that squeals the loudest makes the best bacon."-J. S. Flynn, in "Cornwall Forty Years After."

TEMPTED TO LIE

"I met our new minister on my way to Sunday School, mamma," said Willie, "and he asked me if I ever played marbles on Sunday." "What did you answer?" asked mother.

"I simply said: 'Get thee behind me, Satan!' and walked off and left him," was the triumphant response.-Country Gentleman.

SILENCE MEANT CONSENT

When the term of the old negro preacher had expired, the New York American reports that he arose and said:

"Breddren, de time am heah fo' de relection ob yo' pastoh for anudder yeah. All dose faborin' me fo' yo' pastoh will please say 'Aye.'"

The old preacher had made himself rather unpopular and there was no response.

"Ha," he said; "silence gibs consent allus. I'se yo' pastoh fo' anudder yeah.”—Selected.

ANXIOUS TO HEAR HIS EXPLETIVES

The clergyman was nailing a refractory creeper to a piece of trellis-work near his front gate, when he noticed that a small boy had stopped and was watching him with great attention. "Well, my young friend," he said, pleased to see the interest he excited, "are you looking out for a hint or two of gardening?" "No," said the youth; "I'm waiting to hear what a parson says when he hammers his thumb."-Pearson's.

NOT THE LORD'S ARMY

A Methodist Negro exhorter shouted, "Come on up an' jine de army of de Lord."

"I'se done jined," replied one of the congregation.

"Whar'd you jine?" asked the exhorter.

"In de Baptis' Church."

"Why, chile," said the exhorter, "you ain't in de army; yoh's in de navy."-Selected.

NOT VERY COMPLIMENTARY

President Bliss of the Syrian Protestant College, Beyrout, was preaching some time ago at Dr. C. H. Parkhurst's church in New York City. To the great delight of a few in the audience who saw the point, the opening lines of the well-known hymn which brought the service to a close were the following:

"From the best bliss that earth imparts

We turn unfilled to Thee again."

-Selected.

STRICTLY CASH BASIS

"Well, well!" said the planter. "What are you doing now, Uncle Josh?"

"I'se a-preachin' ob de gospel." "What! You preaching?”

"Yessah, marster, I'se preachin'."

"Well, well. Do you use notes?"

"No, suh. At de fust I used notes, but now I demands de cash."-Judge.

DID NOT KEEP A CARRIAGE

Some time ago a certain bishop sent round to the church wardens in his diocese a circular of inquiries, including the question, "Does your clergyman preach the gospel? And are his conversation and carriage consistent therewith?"

To this one of the church wardens replied, "He preaches the gospel, but does not keep a carriage."-Selected.

USING THE LAWN MOWER ON HIS SERMONS

A suburban minister during his discourse one Sunday morning said: "In every blade of grass there is a sermon." Next day one of his elders found the good man mowing his lawn. "Well, sir,” he said, "I am glad to see you engaged in cutting your sermons short."-Syracuse Post-Standard.

HOPED SO

Young Minister (receiving gift of fountain pen).-"Thank you. I hope I shall now be able to write better sermons."

The Lady. "I hope so."-Boston Transcript.

TEETH WOULD BE PROVIDED

The evangelist was entreating his hearers to flee from the wrath to come.

"I warn you," he said, "there will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth."

At this point an old lady in the gallery stood up.

"Sir," she interrupted, "I have no teeth." "Madam," said the evangelist sternly, "teeth will be provided."-The Ladies' Home Journal.

ONE OF THE BORED

A stranger in an Indiana village thought he might improve the time by attending service in the local church. At the conclusion of a lengthy talk, the minister announced that he should like to meet the Board. The stranger, in company with several other persons, proceeded to walk to the front of the church. The pastor, thinking there must be some misunderstanding, said to him: "I believe, sir, you are mistaken. This is just to be a meeting of the Board."

"Well," replied the visitor, "I have listened to you talk for more than an hour and if any one has been more bored than I have been, I should like to know who it is."-Selected.

A SMALL CONGREGATION

In a town in the West there is a church that has a bright young pastor, but the attendance is unfortunately small. Among the parishioners there is an agreeable young widow. One evening, as she was leaving the edifice, she was addressed by a deacon. "How did you like the sermon ?"

"I think it was perfectly lovely," was the enthusiastic reply. "But there were so few of us that every time the parson said 'dearly beloved' I positively blushed."-Selected.

HIS SERMONS TOO LONG

Vicar's Daughter-"I'm sorry you don't like the vicar's sermons, William. What is the matter with them? Are they too long?" William-"Yes, miss. Your curate, 'e says, 'in conclusion,' and 'e do conclude. But t' vicar says, 'lastly,' and 'e do last."-The Watchdog.

A CATHOLIC TRADE SECRET

"Father Donovan," asked a Protestant minister of his genial friend the Catholic priest of the town, "how do you manage to secure such large financial contributions from your parishioners?" "Ah, my lad, you should annex about ten acres of Purgatory to your meeting-house," was the candid if unexpected reply.-Selected.

A BRIEF FUNERAL ORATION

Perhaps the briefest funeral oration ever delivered was that of an old negro of Mississippi over the body of another of his race, who had borne a very bad reputation. Lifting his hat and looking down upon the coffin, the old fellow said, in solemn funereal tones: "Sam Viser, yo' is gone. We hopes yo' is gone whar we 'spects yo' hain't."-Boston Transcript.

NO ICE IN EGYPT

The Negro preacher, it is related, was a higher critic and denied all miracles. "But, Caleb, how about the Hebrews crossing the Red Sea?" "I'll 'splain dat. Dey crossed over on solid ice; and next day it was very warm, and de 'Gyptians just broke through de ice." "But, Caleb, ice does not form so near the equator." "Dat objection is nuffin'. In dem days dere was no equator.”—Selected.

PRIDE

NOT IN THEIR CLASS

"The Blanks and the Browns are both newly rich, but they don't associate."