"Why not?" "The Blanks feel above the Browns. They made their money in refined sugar, while the Browns made theirs in crude oil."Boston Transcript. PARDONABLE PRIDE Patience "The letter carrier's holding his nose higher than ever this morning." Patrice "Probably some one has been sending a quantity of old cheese by parcel post.”—Yonkers Statesman. PROPOSING HE UNDERSTOOD As he carefully varnished his hair he rehearsed his speech to "dear papa": "Sir-I have called to tell you, quite frankly, that your daughter Euphemia and I love one another and to ask for your consent to our marriage. I am not a rich man, I own, but we are both young and strong and willing to fight the battle of life together," and so on. It was not until he faced papa alone that his collar grew suddenly tight and his eyesight failed. He took a deep breath and plunged: "Sir-I-er-ahem-I frankly come to-er-um-tell you, quite frankly, that you love-that we-that is-that I love your daughter -ahem! I-ah-have frankly called to-er-ask you to-er—er— be my wife-that is-er-she-er-will fight. I-ah-hope, sir, you understand." And father did. That's the wonderful part of it.-New York Freeman's Journal. COULD NOT SEE HIS FUTURE "Your father didn't seem cheerful when I told him you had promised to marry me and we wanted his consent." "Don't let that discourage you, Bertram. Father was always pessimistic. All he can see in you is a clerk at $18 a week. He doesn't know that you are destined to be one of the greatest financiers in America."-Birmingham Age-Herald. A STRANGE PROPOSAL William Macdonald, a youthful Scotchman, was seriously in love, but to arrive at the point of proposing marriage to the fair one of his choice was too much for his sensitive soul. Finally, after many hours of deliberation, he hit upon a plan. It was a moonlight, starry night, and he led the maiden of his heart to a churchyard, and, pointing to the various headstones, said: “Allie, my folks are buried there. Wad ye like to be buried there, too?" -Selected. WHAT HIS DREAM MEANT Dillydally (a chronic procrastinator): "I dreamed last night that I-er-ah-proposed to you. I wonder what that is a sign of?" Miss Linger Long (desperately): "It is a sign that you have got more sense when you are asleep than when you are awake."— Tit-Bits. THAT KIND OF WOMAN EXTINCT "They say," remarked the spinster boarder, "that the woman who hesitates is lost." "Lost is not the proper word for it," growled the fussy old bachelor at the pedal extremity of the table. "She's extinct !"— Indianapolis Star. THE COST OF A JEWEL She: "What did papa say when you told him you were going to take me away from him?" He: "He seemed to feel his loss keenly at first, but I squared things with a good cigar.”—Selected. A BIRD IN THE HAND "Miss Norah, if it wasn't for Tirrence O'Brien that do be coortin' ye, I'd be after havin' somethin' to say to ye, mesilf, th' night." "It's very considerate ye are, Mr. Mulligan, but did ye niver hear that prisint company is always accipted?"-Selected. IT WAS SO SUDDEN "Oh, my!" she exclaimed impatiently. "We'll be sure to miss the first act. We've been waiting a good many minutes for that mother of mine." "Hours, I should say," he replied, rather tartly. "Ours?" she cried joyfully. "Oh, George, this is so sudden!"— Selected. NOT HER FINAL ANSWER Edith "Have you given Jack his final answer yet?" Ethel "Not yet-but I've given him my final 'No.'"-Boston Transcript. HAD AN EYE TO BUSINESS "Then this," asked rejected James, "is absolutely final?” “Quite,” was Dorothy's calm reply. "Shall I return your letters, James?" "Yes, please," answered poor James. "There's some good material in them that I can use again."-Awgwan. WANTED THE LITTER REMOVED Mr. Fargone-“Listen, Miss Gladys. I lay my heart, my hand and my fortune at your feet." Miss Hardfax-"Please don't litter up the room so."-Boston Globe. LACKED THE ROCKS Jones.-"What's the matter with Poorley? He's been going with Miss Budd for some time. Hasn't he got the 'sand' to propose?" Brown-"Oh, yes; but not the 'rocks' to get married."-Selected. IT ALWAYS FITTED BEFORE "I am afraid it won't fit," she said, as she tried the ring. "That's funny," he mused; "I never had any trouble with it before."-Gargoyle. HE HAD THE EXPERIENCE "There are a lot of girls who don't ever intend to marry." "How do you know?" "I have proposed to several."-Puck. SHE WAS offended "I grovel here before you in the dust!" observed the impassioned youth, as he sank onto the drawing-room floor. "I don't know what you mean by dust," replied she, coldly. "I look after this room myself every morning.”—Tit-Bits. NOT A PROPOSAL The Suitor (in a rhapsody)—"I adore everything that is beautiful, exquisite. I love the serene, the perfect!" The Maid (coyly)—“Oh, Harry, how can I refuse you when you put it so beautifully?"-Puck. AN APPROPRIATE RING First Girl.-"Do you know, I heard that Mamie Brown's engagement ring is paste." Second Girl.-"How perfectly lovely and appropriate! You know her fiancé is a paper hanger."-Selected. WOULDN'T BET AFTER ALL Miss Elder-"I'll bet you a hundred that I'll never marry." Mr. Easy-"I'll take you." Miss Elder (rapturously)—“Will you really? Then I won't bet after all."-Boston Transcript. A PHOTOGRAPHIC JOKE Here is a photographer's joke: "Bella: 'He fell in love with her photograph, and asked her for the original.' Fred: 'What developed?' Bella: 'She gave him the negative.' ”—Onward. HE WAS A REPEATER Grace "I didn't accept Walter the first time he proposed." WOULD GIVE HER THE WORLD Billy "I would lay the world at your feet but for one thing." Milly-"And that is?" Billy "Some other people are using it."-Judge. HE WAS THE MAN "Oh, I wish the Lord had made me a man!" "He did; I'm the man."-London Opinion. BRINGING HIM TO THE POINT Mary-"George, I have heard you spoken of frequently as a successful business man." George "I am that. Why?" Mary-"Well, considering the fact that you have been visiting me for three years, I think you should maintain your reputation and talk business."-The Edinburgh Scotsman. A BORN POLITICIAN Little Richard was entertaining his sister's hesitating admirer and, after making the usual juvenile remarks on marbles and tops, he suddenly announced: "Ethel told ma yesterday you was a born politician." The young man was delighted and, wishing to know more, asked: "That so? Why does she think that?" "That's just what ma wanted to know, and Ethel said it's because you can call so often and do so much talking without committin' yourself."-Selected. WHY HE DIDN'T MARRY HER "Why didn't Rastus marry dat Coopah gal?" "Oh, she done flunk at de last minute-wouldn't lend him a dollah fo' t'git de license wif."-Selected. NOT WHAT SHE EXPECTED The young man produced a small, square box from his pocket. "I have a present for you," he began. "I don't know whether it will fit your finger or not, but—” "Oh, George!" she broke in. "This is so sudden. Why, I never dreamed-" But just then George produced the gift-a silver thimble-and it got suddenly cooler in the room.-Selected. HOW SHE UNDERSTOOD "When my husband proposed to me the poor fellow's voice stuck in his throat." "Then how did you know he was proposing?" "Well, you see, I was afraid that might happen so I had taken lessons in lip reading."-Selected. STATISTICS NOT ALWAYS DRY The Professor: "I'm afraid, my dear young lady, that you find statistics very dry things." The Dear Young Lady: "Not always. Lieutenant Smyth told me there were four hundred billion people in the world, and I was the prettiest girl of the lot."—London Opinion. PLAYING HER CARDS Johnny: "Sis, can I stay up a little longer? I want to see you and Mr. Green play cards." Mr. Green: "But we are not going to play cards." Johnny: "Oh, yes, you are, for I heard ma tell sis that everything depended on the way she played her cards to-night."-Boston Transcript. "Am I good enough for you?" sighed the fond lover. "No," said the girl, candidly, "you're not, but you are too good for any other girl."-New York Times. SOME RESEMBLANCE "Dearest, do you think you could be happy with a man like me?" "Well, perhaps-if he wasn't too much like you!"-Selected. GAINING PERFECTION "You're perfect," said the lover shy, Then said the roguish maiden, "Why Don't you attempt to gain perfection?" -Selected. PRUDENCE NECESSARY DELAY Manager (to late messenger): "You've been away over half an hour, and only had to go around the corner!" |