and about half a yard of cuticle," said the man, "and he wants them at once.”—Christian Register.

ON THE RIGHT ROAD

They had lost their way in their new and expensive car.

“There's a sign, dear. Are we on the right road?"

With his flashlight he read: "To the Poorhouse."

"Yes," he answered. "We're on the right road and we didn't know it."-Journal and Messenger.

MOTOR CAR MIGHT TEMPT HIM

She "Here's a story of a man who bartered his wife for a horse. You wouldn't swap me for a horse, would you, darling?" He-"Of course not. But I'd hate to have any one tempt me with a good motor car."-London Tit-Bits.

APPROPRIATE FOR A TIN WEDDING

Mrs. Ford-"My husband gave me an automobile on our wedding anniversary. We have been married ten years."

Mrs. Neighbor-"Yes, I saw it. How appropriate for a tin wedding."-Selected.

BOTH HAD EXPERIENCE

"You know," said the lady whose motor-car had run down a man, "you must have been walking very carelessly. I am a very careful driver. I have been driving a car for seven years."

"Lady, you've got nothing on me, I've been walking for fifty-four years."-Detroit Motor News.

UNDER ARREST

"You're under arrest," exclaimed the officer with chin whiskers as he stopped the automobile. "What for?" inquired Mr. Chuggins. "I haven't made up my mind yet. I'll just look over your lights, an' your license, an' your numbers, an' so forth. I know I can get you for somethin'."-Selected.

THE GASOLINE LIFE

How dear to his heart is the little old flivver
That carries him out to his work and his play;

He finds that its jolting is good for his liver
And woe to pedestrians who come in his way.

With his cap and his gauntlets and a large pair of goggles.
He makes an impression you will not forget

As he sits at the wheel where he teeters and joggles,
And only the traffic cops cause him to fret.

-Birmingham Age-Herald.

7

MODERN LANGUAGE

A somewhat rapid city man, according to a story that is going the rounds, remarked to a farmer friend:

"Thursday we autoed to the country club and golfed till dark, then trolleyed back to town and danced till morning."

The farmer "got back" in this language:

"I've been havin' some time myself. Wednesday I muled to the cornfield and gee-hawed till sundown. Then I suppered till dark and piped till nine. Then I bedsteaded till five o'clock, then breakfasted till it was time to go mulin' again."-Selected.

TOO MANY POINTS INVOLVED

"Ever tempted to sell your automobile?" asked the Cheerful Idiot. "The temptation is strong enough,” replied Mr. Inbadd, "but there are too many points involved. You know I mortgaged my house in order to buy the machine." "Well, I mortgaged the machine in order to build the garage, and now I've had to mortgage the garage in order to buy gasoline."—Puck.

NOT MUCH DIFFERENCE

The First Lady. "My husband wired me from Paris on my birthday asking whether he should buy me a Rembrandt or a Titian. Now which would you have?"

Second Lady. "Well, as far as that goes, any of those French cars are pretty good."-Sketch.

GASOLINE AND GRAMOPHONES

"Now that you are opulent I suppose you hear sweet music and inhale delicate perfumes." "Nothing of the kind," replied Mr. Cumrox. "I listen to auto horns and smell gasolene.”—Washington Star.

TOO MANY CARELESS PEDESTRIANS

"How are you getting on with your new motor car?" "Oh, I'm all right. But I'd feel a lot more comfortable if the streets were not so full of careless or inexperienced pedestrians."-Washington Star.

SELF-DENIAL?

"I once knew a man who went hungry in order to buy feed for his horse." "I can understand his sentiments. Many's the time I have cut down on meat and potatoes in order to buy gasoline.”— Washington Star.

SAW THE WOMAN ALL RIGHT

First Officer-"Did you get that fellow's number?"

Second Officer-"No; he was going too fast."

First Officer-"Say, that was a fine-looking dame in the car." Second Officer-"Wasn't she?"-Puck.

ANOTHER KIND OF OIL

"So your son's in college, eh? Burning the midnight oil, I s'pose."

"Well-er-yes; but I've an idea-er-that it's gasoline."-St. Patrick's Monthly Calendar.

A POPULAR DECISION

A Pennsylvania judge has decided that the pedestrian has a right of way which the motorist must respect. We hereby nominate his Honor as candidate of the Pedestrian Party for President in 1924.Journal and Messenger.

WHY SHE FELT SAFE

Proud Wife (taking very nervous friend for a little trip)—“I feel so safe with George driving, now he has joined the Red Cross. He is learning first aid, and knows where all the hospitals are.”— London Opinion.

AN AUTO FACE NOT MOBILE

"They say the habit of motoring produces a fixed, set expression." "Yes; it seems strange, doesn't it, that an auto face shouldn't be also a mobile one?"-Selected.

A FAST AUTOMOBILE

"How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway. "Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six months ahead of my income generally."-Selected.

COULD NOT RUN A LAWN MOWER

Woman (to new chauffeur)—"Do you know how to run a lawnmower?"

Chauffeur-"No, ma'am, I don't. My eddikation has been limited to cars, biplanes and submarines."-Boston Globe.

THE ONLY DRAWBACK

"Land sakes," ejaculated Mrs. Bragg, "me and Henry could have an auto with the best of 'em, only we couldn't afford an usher to run it."-Selected.

WHAT HE WOULD GET

Teacher-"If a farmer sold 1,470 bushels of wheat at $3.17 a bushel, what would he get ?"

Boy-"An automobile.”—American Boy.

TAKING LIBERTIES

He "Did you see those motors skid?"

She "How dare you call me that!"-London Opinion.

THE LEADING QUESTION

"Will you marry me, my pretty maid?"

"How many cylinders has your automobile, sir?" she said.— Louisville Courier-Journal.

NOTHING WRONG WITH ITS APPETITE

"How's your motor car behaving?"

"Well,” replied Mr. Chuggins, "the way it uses gasoline shows that while it may be weak in spots, its appetite is all right.”— Washington Star.

WHY SHE WAS LIVING

Mistress "So the automobile almost ran you down, did it, Hannah?" Hannah-"Hit sho did, Missus Arthur. Hit's nothin' but a dispensary er Providence dat I'm libin' ter tell de tale.”Boston Transcript.

FIREWATER AND GASOLINE

"What made the trouble for the original inhabitants of America was firewater."

"Yes," replied Mr. Chuggins, "and what is making the trouble for the modern inhabitants is gasoline."-Selected.

THE MODERN GIRL

Oldboy-"What's become of the old-fashioned girl who used to say 'Ask father'?" Newguy-"She now has a daughter who says, 'Give it more gas, George; the old man is gaining on us.'”—The Lamb.

AVIATION

A STRANGE MISTAKE

The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his airship. "Wait a moment, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will have to go down again.”

"What's wrong?" asked the husband.

"I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons off my jacket. I think I can see it glistening on the ground."

"Keep your seat, my dear," said the aviator. "That's a lake."Selected.

WHAT TO CALL AIR-FIENDS

Orville Wright said, at a Dayton dinner:

"The war has developed flying enormously. We'll all fly after the war. Air fiends will then be as thick as motor fiends are to-day. "What name shall we give to the air-field mania? Aerysipelas, perhaps? Or would flyfoid be better? Maybe we'll call it inflew

enza. Hold though! All things considered, wouldn't the best name be skyarica?"-Philadelphia Bulletin.

A NEW DISTINCTION

"My father once had ten thousand men under him."

"Oh, was he in a big position?"

"No; an aeronaut."-The American Boy.

THE STORK BROUGHT A MAN

Bridget saw an aeroplane for the first time. It came down with a great swoop and landed in the yard next door.

"Holy Moses!" she cried in great excitement, rushing to her mistress; "all the saints be jedged, marm, if the stork hasn't brought a full-grown mon to Mrs. Maloney, and the wee booties she be a-knittin' yesterday will na more'n fit his great toe."-Selected.

LIKE A FLYING MACHINE

Mandy: "Rastus, you all knows dat yo remind me of dem dere flyin' machines ?" Rastus: "No, Mandy, how's dat?"

"Why, becays youse no good on earth."-Sun Dial.

HAD NOT LEARNED YET

Mandy:

Observer, during a deep volplane. "This is g-glorious-w-where

did you l-learn to f-fly?"

Pilot-"I'm learning now!"-Passing Show, London.

BABIES

HIS NEED

For three successive nights Newpop had walked the floor with the baby. On the fourth night he became desperate and bought a bottle of soothing syrup.

"Why, James," exclaimed his wife when she saw the bottle, "what did you buy that for? Don't you know it is very dangerous to give a child anything like that?"

"Don't worry," was her husband's reply. "I'm going to take it myself."-Wisconsin State Journal.

DID NOT KNOW THE SEX

The bachelor friend had been invited to inspect the new baby at the home of a neighbor. Manlike he said: "Well, well, but he's a fine little fellow, isn't she? How old is it now! Do her teeth bother him much? I hope he gets through its second summer all right. She looks like you, doesn't he? Every one says it does." And then he went home in a hurry.-The Mother's Magazine.

BUILDING THE FAMILY TOO FAST

Winkleby gazed at the new triplets with fatherly pride, but not a little apprehension in his eye, nevertheless.