IT WAS THE LATEST PATTERN

An elderly lady entered a store and asked to be shown some tablecloths. A salesman brought a pile and showed them to her, but she said she had seen those elsewhere-nothing suited her. "Haven't you something new?" she asked. The clerk then brought another pile and showed them to her. "These are the newest pattern," he said. "You will notice that the edge runs right around the border, and the center is in the middle." "Isn't that lovely!" said the lady. "I will take half a dozen of those."—Life.

GRAMMAR FOR BEGINNERS

The mistress of the house was obdurate. "No," she said firmly, "I don't want no buttons nor no laces."

Putting his foot in the fast closing door the tramp held up his hand. "Here you are, lady," said he, “Grammar for Beginners,' only sixpence !"-Tit-Bits.

COULD ACCOMMODATE HIM

Wild-eyed Customer-“I want a quarter's worth of carbolic acid." Clerk-"This is a hardware store. But we have-er-a fine line of ropes, revolvers and razors."-Selected.

SARCASM

KNEW TOO MUCH ABOUT CARDS

The Watchman-Examiner "pokes fun" at its neighbor, The Christian Work, as follows:

"An editorial in The Christian Work begins as follows: 'The time has come when the two parties or one of them in the present world-war should lay the cards face up on the table.' We wonder if the readers of The Christian Work can understand such an illustration as this? Ought not the editor of The Christian Work to require his editorial writers to use illustrations with which the Christian world is familiar? We wonder what the occupation of this editorial writer was before he took up religious journalism, or where he was when he wrote that editorial?"-Selected.

NOT A STEADY JOB

A farmhand who had worked hard in the fields from dawn until darkness day after day, and had been obliged to finish his chores by lantern light, went to the farmer at the end of the month and said:

"I'm going to quit. You promised me a steady job of work." "Well, haven't you got one?" was the astonished reply. "No," said the man; "there are three or four hours every night when I don't have anything to do except to fool my time away sleeping."-Boston Transcript.

NOT SO THICK AS HIS HEAD

One of the best known mining men in the West was on the witness stand as an expert in an important mining case in Nevada, and was under cross-examination by a rather young and “smart” attorney. The question related to the form that the ore was found in, generally described as “kidney lumps.”

"Now, Mr. Whatname," said the attorney, "how large are these lumps? You say they are oblong-are they as long as my head?" "Yes," replied the witness, "but not so thick."-Selected.

CASTING PEARLS BEFORE SWINE

A professor was one day nearing the close of a history lecture, and was indulging in one of those rhetorical climaxes in which he delighted, when the hour struck. The students immediately began to slam down the movable arms of their lecture chairs and prepare to leave.

The professor, annoyed at the interruption of his flow of eloquence, held up his hand.

"Wait just one minute, gentlemen. I have a few more pearls to cast." Whereupon they grunted.-Selected.

WOULD LOVE HER STILL

Mrs. Light: "I wonder if my husband will love me when my hair is gray?"

Mrs. Smite: "Of course he will. He has loved you through three shades of hair already."-Magazine of Fun.

HIS MEMORY DEFECTIVE

James Hopper, the war correspondent who broke all war correspondent records by going "over the top" with the doughboys at Cantigny, has a hatred of faking.

At a fish dinner at Prunier's in Paris a faking correspondent denied that he had ever written any fakes.

"Well, George," said Hopper, "maybe you're like old Si Peacham. "I'm 89 years of age,' said old Si in the general store, and I don't remember ever telling a lie.'

"Well, Si,' said the grocer, 'nobody expects you to have much of a memory at your age.'"-Selected.

HIS ADDRESS

A certain man, who had been invited to speak at a lodge meeting, was placed on the list of speakers. However, the chairman introduced several speakers whose names were not on the program, and the audience was tired out when he eventually introduced the last speaker. "Mr. Bones will now give his address."

"My address," said Mr. Bones, rising, "is No. 551 Park Villa, and I wish you all good night."—Selected.

NOT SATISFIED

"Nurse," moaned the convalescent, "can't I have something to eat? I'm starving." "Yes, you start taking solids to-day, but you must begin slowly," she said. Then she held out a teaspoonful of tapioca. He sucked the spoon dry and begged for a second spoonful, but she shook her head. Presently he summoned her again. "Nurse," he gasped, "bring me a postage-stamp. I want to read."-New York Times.

NERVE TONIC

"Do you know a good tonic for nervous persons, Simpkins?" "No, what I want is to find a good tonic for people who have to live with them."-Christian Register.

DID NOT SEE HER SON BURST

"Did you see my sunburst last night?" inquired the pompous Mrs. Newrich of her poorer neighbor.

"No, I didn't," said the poor neighbor caustically, "but I certainly thought he would if he ate another bite."-Ladies' Home Journal.

RESPECTED THE AGED AND WEAK

"Why don't you ever laugh at any of my jokes?"

"Because I was brought up to respect old age and feebleness." -Selected.

WORTH THIRTY CENTS

"Miserly offered the man who saved his life half a dollar." "Did the man accept it?"

"Yes, but he handed Miserly twenty cents change."-Christian Register.

PARADING HIS VIRTUES

"I don't believe in parading my virtues."

"You couldn't. It takes quite a number to make a parade.”— Boston Transcript.

A STRANGE REBUKE

Mark Twain was in a restaurant one day and found himself next to two young men who were putting on a great many airs and ordering the waiters about in a most impressive fashion. One of them gave an order and told the waiter to inform the cook whom it was for. "Yes," said the other, "better tell him my name, too, so as to make certain of its being all right."

Mark, who hated swagger, called the waiter and said in a loud voice: "Bring me a dozen oysters, and whisper my name to each of them."-Selected.

A WOMAN'S AGE

Peanut-"How old are you?"

Dorothy Taylor-"I've seen sixteen summers."

Peanut-"How many summers were you blind?"-Selected.

SATISFACTION

UP TO ALL CLAIMS

"Well, Peleg, how do you find the encyclopedia the feller left on approval?"

"Seems to be all right. Ain't no errors in it so far as I kin see."-Louisville Courier-Journal.

SCOTCH HUMOR

HE SOLVED THE PROBLEM

Andy Donaldson, a well-known character of Glasgow, lay on his deathbed, according to the Argonaut. "I canna' leave ye thus, Nancy," the old Scotchman wailed. "Ye're ower auld to work, an' ye couldn't live in the workhouse. Gin I dee, ye maun marry anither man, wha'll keep ye in comfort in yer auld age?" "Nay, nay, Andy," answered the good spouse, “I couldna' marry anither man, for whit wull I dae wi' two husbands in heaven?" Andy pondered over this, but suddenly his face brightened. "I ha'e it, Nancy!" he cried. "Ye ken auld John Clemmens? He's a kind man, but he's no a member of the kirk. He likes ye, Nancy, an' gin ye'll marry him, 'twill be a' the same in heaven. John's no' a Christian, and he's no likely to get there."-Selected.

HOW MANY COMMANDMENTS?

A little Scotch boy had just returned from a painful interview with the minister, to whom he had said, in reply to a question, that there were one hundred commandments. Meeting another lad on his way to the minister's he asked: "An' if he asks ye how mony commandments there are, what will ye say?"

"Say?" replied the other boy. "Why, ten, of course."

"Ten?" said the first urchin in scorn. "Ten? Ye wull try him wi' ten? I tried him wi' a hundred and he wasna satisfied."Selected.

NOT AS HE EXPECTED

Jock met his neighbor Sandy, who was smoking some exceptionally fine and fragrant tobacco sent by his son in America. Jock drew his own pipe from an inner pocket.

"Ha' ye a match, Sandy?" he questioned.

The match was proffered-but nothing more.

"I do believe," said Jock, "I ha' left me tobacco to hame."

"Then," replied Sandy after a brief silence, “ye micht as well gie me back me match."-Selected.

COULD NOT LET HER PASS

There joined the police force of London a young Scotsman but recently arrived from his native land. Being detailed one day to regulate the traffic in a certain thoroughfare where the king and queen were expected to pass, he was accosted by a lady hurrying to keep an appointment, who remonstrated with him over the delay. "I canna' let you pass, ma'am," said he. "But, sir, do you know who I am? I am the wife of a cabinet minister." "It disna mak' ony difference, ma'am," he replied. "I couldn't let you pass if

you were the wife o' a Presbyterian minister."-Tit-Bits.

DID NOT HELP THE OTHERS

The wounded Highlander seemed to make no headway toward recovery. He was forever talking about his "bonnie Scotland," and the idea occurred to the doctor that a Scotch piper might rouse his spirits. Accordingly, he found a piper, and arranged that he should pour forth all the gems of Scottish music the pipes were capable of interpreting. When the doctor called the next morning he eagerly asked the matron:

"Did the piper turn up?"

"He did," replied the matron.

"And how's our Scotch patient ?"

"Oh, he's gone; I never saw such a change," said the matron. "That's grand. That was a fine idea of mine," said the delighted doctor.

"Yes," replied the matron sadly, "but the other thirty patients have all had serious relapses."-Youth's Companion.

THE RIGHT GIRL FOR HIM

A Scotchman, wishing to know his fate at once, telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the lady of his choice. After spending the entire day at the telegraph office he was finally rewarded late in the evening by an affirmative answer.

"If I were you," suggested the operator, when he delivered the message, "I'd think twice before I'd marry a girl that kept me waiting all day for my answer."

"Na, na," retorted the Scot. "The lass who waits for the night rates is the lass for me."-Selected.

AN EXAMPLE OF SCOTCH RETICENCE

A story illustrating the reticence of the Scotch regarding their private affairs was once told by Ian Maclaren. A train was at a railway station, when a porter put his head into a carriage and called out: "Any one in this carriage for Doun? Change for Doun! Any one for Doun ?" No one moved; and in a few minutes the