train was speeding along, not to stop again for nearly an hour. Then an old Scotch woman turned to a lady sitting near her and said, "I'm for Doun, but I'd no tell that man so!"-Selected.

WOULD BE NECESSARY

A Scottish countrywoman was taking her son to the school for the first time, and after impressing the schoolmaster with the necessity of the boy having a thoroughly good education, she finished up by saying: "Be sure he learns Latin." "But, my dear lady," said the schoolmaster, "Latin is a dead language." "So much the better," replied the woman. "Ye ken, he's going to be an undertaker."-Selected.

WHY HE LEFT SCOTLAND

Sir Douglas Haig, the Scottish commander-in-chief of the British armies, tells this: "A Scot bored his English friends by boasting about Scotland. 'Why did you leave Scotland,' a Londoner asked, 'since you liked the place so much?' The Scot chuckled. 'It was like this,' he said. 'In Scotland everybody was as clever as myself, but here I'm getting along verra weel.'"Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph.

HAD NO USE FOR PYRAMIDS

We learn from an exchange that an Englishman and a Scotchman who traveled to Egypt together paid a visit to the pyramids. The Englishman was lost in admiration for the huge piles, but the Scotchman shook his head sorrowfully. "Ach, mon," he said with a sigh, "what a lot o' masonwork no' to be bringin' in ony rent!"— Youth's Companion.

THE BETTER WAY

Guid Wife-"Aw'm awa noo, Sandy. Do ye want anything bringing frae the toon?"

Sandy-"Ma snuff's dune. Aw would like ye to fetch me half an ounce."

Guid Wife "Nay, nay! I cannot allow sic extravagance. Have ye no heard o' the increased price? Juist tickle ye nose wi' a straw instead."-Passing Show.

WOULD NOT BE PERSUADED

A Highlander from Tobermory asked at the Oban railway station the price of a ticket to Killin.

"So much," replied the clerk.

"Hoot awa'," replied Donald; "it's far ower dear! I'd rather walk!" and off he started.

He had not proceeded far when the train came tearing along, whistling as it neared a station.

"Ye needna whistle for me!" said Donald. "I made ye an offer aince, and ye wadna tak' it; sae you can gang on. I'm no comin'." -Canadian Magazine.

SCOTCH THRIFT

Sandy had just met his girl at the end of the street, where she was waiting for him. She was looking into a confectioner's window when Sandy made his presence known by remarking:

"Weel, Jennie, what are ye gaun to have the nicht?"

She, not inclined to ask too much, replied: "Oh, I'll just tak what you'll tak, Sandy."

"Oh, then, we'll tak a walk," said Sandy, as he led her away.— Pearson's Weekly.

THOUGHT GERMAN PRAYERS POWERLESS

Two old Scotch ladies were talking about the recent British successes. Said one: "Is it no wonderfu' that the British are aye victorious over the Germans?" "Not a bit," said the other old lady. "Dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their prayers before gain' into battle?" "But canna the Germans say their prayers as weel?" "Hoot!" was the reply. "Jabbering bodies, wha could understan' them?"-Selected.

NO PLEASURE IN SMOKING

Two old Scotsmen sat by the roadside talking and puffing away merrily at their pipes. "There's no muckle pleasure in smokin', Sandy," said Donald. "Hoo dae ye mak' that oot?" questioned Sandy. "Weel," said Donald, "ye see, if ye're smokin' yer ain bacca ve're thinkin' o' the awfu' expense an' if ye're smokin' some ither body's, yer pipe's ramm't sae tight it winna draw."-Tit-Bits.

NO REASON TO WORRY

A Scottish couple were on their way to be married, but on nearing the church the bride got rather anxious, and finally burst

out:

"Sandy, a hev a secret tae tell you before we get marrit." "Well, an' whit is't, Mary?" queried Sandy.

“A canna cook very weel,” replied Mary.

"Ooch," said Sandy, "never mind that; it's precious little ye'll get tae cook wi'."-Selected.

RUNNING NO RISK

At a Scottish watering place Macpherson was found stretched in a contented mood on the sands, puffing his old pipe. "Come on, Mac," said his companion, "let's go for a sail." "Na, na," replied Macpherson, “I hae had a guid dinner at the cost o' three and saxpence, an' I'm takin' na risks.”—Liverpool Post.

OFF MORALLY

An old Scottish woman wished to sell a hen to a neighbor. "Please tell me," the neighbor said, "is she a'tegither a guid bird? Has she nae fauts, at all?"

"Aweel, Margot," the other old woman admitted, "she has got one faut. She will lay on the Lord's day."-Selected.

COULD FEED IT TO THE COW

A Scottish wife was asked by her husband what kind of a bonnet she would like him ta bring her frae Glasgow, and she replied:

"Weel, ye'd best make it a straw bonnet, Jock, and when I'm done wi' it I'll feed it to the coo."-Selected.

ECONOMICAL

"Two penn'orth of bicarbonate of soda for indigestion at this time of night," cried the chemist, who had been aroused at 2 a. m., "when a glass of hot water does just as well!"

"Weel, weel," returned Sandy, hastily, "I thank you for the advice. I'll no bother ye after all. Gude nicht!"-Selected.

UNRUFFLED

There is a story of a Scot who disappeared in a crevasse in the Alps. His comrades could do nothing for him, but presently a large party with guides appeared and prepared to rescue the unfortunate man.

A famous guide was lowered sixty feet into the crevasse, and sounds of conversation presently floated up. In a little while the guide appeared alone.

He had found the Scot sitting on some soft snow with a broken leg, coolly smoking a cigar, and no less coolly refusing to be rescued until he had bargained as to the cost of the operation. A friend of his had been badly "had" over a job of the same sort, and he was determined to stay there until he came to terms. He won.

But perhaps the professor who went with Shackleton and Mawson to the Antarctic takes the cake for coolness.

"Are you busy, Mawson?" he called out to that famous member

of the party one night.

"I am," said Mawson.

"Very busy, really?" came the voice.

"Yes, very busy. Why?"

"Well, if you are not frightfully busy, Mawson, I'm down a crevasse."

The professor was found hanging down a crevasse by the tips of his fingers, a position he could not have maintained many minutes, and the crevasse was of unknown depth.-New York Evening Post.

TALKED THROUGH HIS NOSE

A Scotchman visiting in America stood gazing at a fine statue of George Washington, when an American approached.

"That was a great and good man, Sandy," said the American; "a lie never passed his lips."

"Weel," said the Scot, "I praysume he talked through his nose like the rest of ye.”—Selected.

SERVANTS

HER OWN ORDERS

The mistress came downstairs and tried the door of the sittingroom, only to find it locked against her, while the key, which was usually in the lock, was missing.

"Bridget, I can't get into the sitting-room," she cried.

"Sure, it's meself knows that; an' ye won't, fur I hev th' kay in me pocket."

"Open the door immediately."

"Will yez go in if I do?"

"Certainly I will."

"Then yez won't get the kay."

"Open the door, I say. What do you mean ?”

"Sure, it's by your own orders. Just yesterday ye said, 'Don't let me come downstairs in the morning an' see any dust on the sittin'-room furniture.' So I just puts the kay in me pocket, an' says I, 'Then she sha'n't!”—Tit-Bits.

THE PROPER WAY

She was anxious to please. "Please, ma'am," she said one morning, as she cleared the breakfast-table, "when I bring the dinner in ought I to say, 'Dinner's ready,' or 'Dinner's served'?" The mistress looked up coldly from her sewing. 'Well, if it's anything like it was last night, Eliza Ann, you'd better say, 'Dinner's spoiled!"-Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph.

DID NOT ANSWER THE BELL

Hotel Visitor (coming from bathroom)-"Here, I've been ringing for you for ages."

Chambermaid-"Which bell, sir?"

Visitor-"The bell over the bath."

Chambermaid-"Oh, we pay no attention to that bell, sir. That's only put there in case any one feels faint."-Punch.

SHE WAS NOT DOING ANYTHING

Hearing a crash of glassware one morning, Mrs. X. called to her maid in the adjoining room: "Norah, what on earth are you doing?"

"I ain't doin' nothin', mum," Norah replied. "It's done."Selected.

THEY DID NOT SPEAK FRENCH

"Norah," said the mistress, are these French sardines that you have given me?”

"Shure, Oi don't know, Ma'am,” said the new waitress; "they were pasht spakin' whin we opened the box."-Selected.

THE AWKWARD ALARM CLOCK

"Have you any alarm clocks?" inquired the customer. "What I want is one that will arouse the girl without waking the whole family."

"I don't know of any such alarm clock as that, madam," said the man behind the counter; "we keep just the ordinary kind-the kind that will wake the whole family without disturbing the girl."Tit-Bits.

MUST GET ANOTHER LOVER

Servant Girl-"I'm so awfully sleepy in the morning, doctor." Doctor-"Ah! Have you a sweetheart, may I ask?"

Servant Girl (blushing)—“Yes."

"Who is he, may I ask?"

"He's the night policeman."

"Ah, then, give him up, and fall in love with the milkman."Tit-Bits.

DID NOT DO HER JUSTICE

"Have you any references?" inquired the lady of the house. "Yes, mum, lots of thim," answered the prospective maid. “Then why did you not bring some of them with you?” "Well, mum, to tell the troof, they're just loike me photygraphs. None of thim don't do me justice."-Selected.

SATISFIED WITH HER WORK

Nora had asked for a letter of recommendation, which the circumstances of her leaving and the quality of her work made it very awkward for the manager to write. Eventually, after much fruitless scribbling, and waste of paper, he produced this:

"To whom it may concern: This is to certify that Nora Foley has worked for us for a week, and we are satisfied."-Our Dumb Animals.

SHE HAD TWO COPPERS

A lady, in need of some small change, called downstairs to the cook and inquired: "Mary, have you any coppers down there?" "Yes, mum; I've two. But, if you please, mum, they're both me cousins!" was the unexpected reply.-Selected.