NOT WORTH WHILE

"Why don't you take the trouble to find out the way I like to have things done?" asked the mistress. "It's not worth while, mum," replied the new girl, "I never stay in a place long.”—Selected.

WORTHLESS SERVANTS

"That's a magnificent house of yours."

"Yes," replied Mr. Dustin Stax. "And it's full of servants who don't do much except get together and discuss the employer problem."-Washington Star.

WHY THE CHAIR WAS DUSTY

Mistress "See here, this chair is covered with dust."

Maid "Yessum. I guess there ain't nobody been sittin' in it lately."-Selected.

SHE FOUND THE EGGS

Mistress "Did you manage to find the basket of eggs that was on the floor, Kate?"

Servant "Oh, yis, mum, aisily! Oi shtepped in it."-Tit-Bits.

NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE

Mrs. Youngbride-"I don't want to have any trouble with you, Bridget."

Cook-"Then, bedade, ma'am, let me hear no complaints."—

Selected.

NOT A TRAINED NURSE

Mrs. Finnicky (entering kitchen with newspaper): "Norah, a celebrated doctor says that brooms are full of microbes, so hereafter you'll have to give your broom an antiseptic bath every day." Norah: "Sure Oi'll not! Next thing ye'll be askin' me to give it massage thratements and hippydermic injections, an ye may as well understand right now that Oi'm no thrained nurse."-Boston Transcript.

NEEDN'T TROUBLE ABOUT HER

"Annie," called Mrs. Hiram from the foot of the stairs, "how about breakfast?"

"Oh," replied the new servant, who had overslept herself, "you naden't trouble to bring me any. I ain't very hungry this mornin'." -Pearson's Weekly.

SNUBBING

A HINT

"When I don't want a man's attentions and he asks me where I live, I say in the suburbs."

"Ha, ha! Excellent; but where do you really live, Miss Brown?" "In the suburbs, Mr. Short."-Atlanta Journal.

TOO INQUISITIVE

"What are the passengers looking out of the windows for?" asked a nervous lady of the conductor.

"We ran over a cat, madam," said the conductor.

"Was the cat on the track?"

"Oh, no, madam," assured the conductor; "the locomotive chased him up an alley."-Lehigh Burr.

THE SOLDIER'S CHIN STRAP

Inquisitor. "And will you tell me is the chin strap to keep the hat on?"

"No'm, it's to rest th' jaw after answerin' fool questions."Selected.

SOLDIERS

IT MIGHT BE COURT-MARTIAL

"But, my dear madam," said the admiral, "it is hard to discuss these matters with one so unfamiliar with the terminology of the subject. You remind me of the young wife who was speaking to her brother about her volunteer husband:

"Isn't Jack just wonderful?' she said. 'He's already been promoted to field-marshal.'

"From private to field-marshal in two months? Impossible !' said the brother.

"Did I say field-marshal?' murmured the young wife. 'Well, perhaps it's court-martial. I know it's one or the other.'"-Youth's Companion.

NOT ACCORDING TO BERNHARDI

A German Major in the Medical Corps, taken prisoner, was asked by some one whether he thought the Americans were good soldiers.

"I don't know," he replied. "I saw only one during the battle, and he was most unsoldierlike. I was in a dugout with 40 men when the bombardment started. After the firing stopped I came up to the entrance.

"An American soldier was standing there. He did not look military at all. His steel helmet was on the back of his head. He didn't have any coat on. Even his shirt front was unbuttoned. He had a grenade in either hand. When he saw me he whirled around and said:

"Come out of that hole, you dirty Dutch pretzel, or I'll spill a whole basketful of these things down into your cellar l'

"It was most unsoldierlike."-Selected.

HE WOULD DO

Brig. Gen. Carey, who held the gap between the Third and Fifth British armies at the great German offensive, tells a good story of a newly arrived private, who was given to boasting to his comrades that he had come from a wealthy home.

One day, while the battalion was on parade a Sergeant came bustling up with an official looking blue envelope in his hand. "Any man here who understands motors, step forward," he ordered.

Here was the newly joined one's opportunity, or at least he thought so. It was the desire of his heart, to be promoted from the ranks, and hardly had the Sergeant got the words out of his mouth before he was confronting him.

"Sergeant," he cried, "I am just the man for the place. Before I joined the army I owned and drove three machines of my own, including a Rolls-Royce."

"You'll do," declared the Sergeant. "Just hop down to headquarters and give the Colonel's motor bike a good cleaning.”— Selected.

CHANGED HIS MIND TOO OFTEN

Military Commander-"Forward, march! Company, halt! Forward, march! Squads left! Squads right! On left into the line! By the right flank! Halt! Rest! Attention!"

Irish Recruit-"Bedad, if I'll work for a man who changes his mind so often !"-Selected.

IT WAS A CAMP-MEETING

Old Cæsar, according to the Columbia State, thought he knew something about the tented field, having followed his master as body-servant through the war between the States, but Camp Jackson was a revelation to him.

"Yer mean, Maus' Jeems," he cross-examined his young master, "dat dese young gem'n can't drink nothin' stronger'n spring water?" "That's all."

"And no frolickin' wid de gals?"

"None whatever."

"An' no swearin' at de mules?"

"Against regulations."

"Lor', Maus' Jeems, disher' ain't no camp. Disher's a camp、 meetin' '-Selected.

DEGRADED TO CORPORAL

Because the newly commissioned major on the way to Toronto looked like ready money the porter had been active in his attentions. His movements were of the "hot-foot" variety whenever the officer appeared to require service. Also he was careful to address the major as "gin'ral." And when the train neared the Union depot

and, following the assiduous use of the brush, the sable servitor discovered himself in the possession of a dime, he was equal to the emergency. He clicked his heels together, saluted and remarked, "Corp'ral, Ah t'ank yo', sah."-Argonaut.

THE SERGEANT ABOVE THE COLONEL

To young recruits the sergeant is much more awful than the colonel. A sergeant in one of the new regiments came along twice to inquire if any one had seen the colonel. Presently the colonel arrived, and on his way reprimanded a raw recruit for not saluting. "Do you know I'm the colonel?" he said.

"Oh, you'll cop it!" said the recruit. "The sergeant has been here twice looking for you."-Manchester Guardian.

BAD ENOUGH AS IT WAS

"Who goes there?" the sentry challenged.

"Lord Roberts," answered the tipsy recruit.

Again the sentry put the question and received a like answer, whereupon he knocked the offender down. When the latter came to, the sergeant was bending over him. "See here!" said the sergeant. "Why didn't you answer right when the sentry challenged you?"

"Holy St. Patrick!" replied the recruit. "If he'd do that to Lord Roberts, what would he do to plain Mike Flanagan?”—Boston Transcript.

THE BRIGHT SIDE

“Well, after all,” remarked Tommy, who had lost a leg in the war, "there's one advantage in having a wooden leg."

"What's that?" asked his friend.

"You can hold up your sock with a tin-tack!" chuckled the hero.-Boys' Life.

PHYSICALLY UNFIT

Representative Meyer London said at a Socialist meeting in New York:

"We all ought to do our bit. Well, let us try to do our own bit instead of meddling into other people's affairs to see that they do theirs.

"I was amused at a reception the other day. An elderly, gaunt lady approached a young man and said reproachfully to him: "Why aren't you in khaki?'

"The young man blushed. Then he drew himself up and answered:

"For the same reason that you're not in the beauty chorus, ma'am-physically unfit.'"-Selected.

THOUGHT HE LIFTED BOTH LEGS

Sergeant (drilling awkward squad): "Company! Attention company, lift up your left leg and hold it straight out in front of you!" One of the squad held up his right leg by mistake. This brought his right-hand companion's left leg and his own right leg close together. The officer, seeing this, exclaimed angrily, “And who is that fellow over there holding up both legs?"-Chicago News.

HER FIRST KNITTING

A young lady just learning to knit sent her first effort-a pair of socks-to Europe for the use of an English so.dier. She had pinned her card to the package, and after several months received the following acknowledgment:

"Socks received, lady; some fit;

I wear one for a helmet, and one for a mitt.

I hope to meet you when I've done my bit;

But where on earth, lady, did you learn to knit?”

-Young Men of Cincinnati.

DID NOT KNOW THE ENEMY

In the early days of the war the officer in charge of a British post deep in the heart of Africa received this wireless message from his superior officer:

"War declared. Arrest all enemy aliens in your district."

With commendable promptness the superior received this reply: "Have arrested seven Germans, three Belgians, two Frenchmen, two Italians, an Austrian, and an American. Please say who we're at war with."-American Boy.

HAD TRIED SALT WATER

He was a mine-sweeper, and, home on leave, was feeling a bit groggy. He called to see a doctor, who examined him thoroughly. "You're troubled with your throat, you say?" said the doctor. "Aye, aye, sir," said the sailor.

"Have you ever tried gargling it with salt and water?" asked the doctor.

"I should say so!" he said. "I've been torpedoed seven times.”— Pittsburg Chronicle and Telegraph.

WANTED TO BE A MAJOR

A major's job is sometimes regarded as a sinecure, and a humorous exchange hits off the idea by this story of an ambitious colored trooper:

"I figgahs I'se goin' to get a majah's commission, soon," said he, "'cause I overheard de kunnel talkin' to de adjutant about somebody and sayin': 'He won't do foh a lieutenant, 'cause a lieutenant doan know nothin' and does everythin'; he won't do foh a captain,