THE FREEDOM OF THE SEAS Sympathetic Friend: "How do you feel now, Ed?" Seasick Soldier: "Don't ask me; but if you know anybody that wants the freedom of the seas, tell him he can have it. I have no use for it."-Selected. RIGHT AT LAST Drill Sergeant (after worrying Brown for about two hours). -"Right about face." Brown-"Thank goodness! I'm right about something at last!”— Christian Intelligencer. DIDN'T CATCH HIS NAME Examining Admiral (to naval candidate): "Now mention three great admirals." Candidate: "Drake, Nelson, and I beg your pardon, sir, I didn't quite catch your name."-Selected. WHY HE JOINED THE INFANTRY "Yes, I'se registud all right, and I'se already concreted; whot you gonna join, de infamy or de calvary?" "No calvary for me, I'se goin' in dat infamy. When de genrul sound de word 'Retreat,' dis nigger don't wan' to be bothered with no hoss."—Christian Register. HE COULD NOT FLY Sammy. "How far is it to the camp?" Native. "About five miles as the crow flies." Sammy. "Well, how far is it if the crow has to walk and carry a rifle and kitbag?"-Selected. DEMOCRACY IN THE ARMY Sergeant Instructor: "What's yer name?" Sir Angelo Frampington, R. A.: "Frampington." METHUSELAH ABOVE DRAFT AGE "Don't talk to me about Methuselah," exclaimed the army man. "I never heard anything against him." "Well, I have my suspicions that he reported his age as high as possible to make sure of being beyond the draft limit."-Washington Star. NOT COFFEE, BUT SOUP Second-Class Scout: "It would be all right if the cook would admit it is soup. He insists it is coffee."-Selected. THEIR FORTUNE MADE Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenches for the first time, and their captain promised them five shillings each for every German they killed. Pat lay down to rest, while Mick performed the duty of watching. Pat had not lain long when he was awakened by Mick shouting: "They're comin'! They're comin'!" "Who's comin'?" shouts Pat. "The Germans," replies Mick. "Begorra," shouts Pat, jumping up and grabbing his rifle, "our fortune's made !"-Selected. CENSORED The British newspaper fraternity loses no opportunity to hammer at the restrictions and excesses of the censorship. The latest skit runs somewhat as follows: "Cannon to the left of them, cannon to the right of them, cannon behind them, volleyed and thundered." So quoted the enthusiastic war correspondent. But the censor cut out this passage. "Can't be giving away the positions of our artillery," commented he, sagely.-The Argonaut. OBSERVED THE GENERAL'S ORDERS Pat was unmercifully laughed at for his cowardice by the whole regiment, but he was equal to the occasion. "Run, is it?" he repeated, scornfully. "Faith, an' I did nayther. I just observed the gineral's express orders. He told us to 'Shtrike for home and your country,' and I shtruck for home. Them that shtruck for their country is there yet."-The United Presbyterian. HE HEARD IT BEFORE Captain-"Your rank, sir?” Rookie "Don't rub it in, cap! That's just what the sergeant told me."-Record. STEALING WHY HE GAVE HIM THE HAT A well-known judge dined recently at a West End hotel, where the man who takes care of the hats is celebrated for his memory about the ownership of headgear. "How do you know that is my hat?" the judge asked, as his silk hat was presented to him. "I don't know it, sir," said the man. "Then why do you give it to me?" insisted the bewildered judge. "Because you gave it to me, sir,” replied the man, without moving a muscle of his face.-Tit-Bits. HAD NOTHING TO FEAR The town council of a small Scotch community met to inspect a site for a new hall. They assembled at a chapel, and as it was a warm day a member suggested that they should leave their coats there. "Some one can stay behind and watch them," suggested another. "What for?" demanded a third. "If we are all going out together, what need is there for any one to watch the clothes?" -Tit-Bits. DIDN'T LEAVE MUCH A housekeeper, going from home for the day locked everything up, and, for the grocer's benefit, wrote on a card: "All out. Don't leave anything." This she stuck under the knocker of the front door. On her return she found her house ransacked and all her choicest possessions gone. To the card on the door was added: "Thanks. We haven't left much."-Selected. COULD RUN FAST A man left his umbrella in a rack with a card attached, reading as follows: "The owner of this umbrella weighs two hundred and forty pounds and strikes a blow like a sledge hammer." Another man took the umbrella, leaving the card, after writing on the reverse side, "The man who took this umbrella can run a mile in four minutes and he is not coming back.”—The Presbyterian Banner. APRIL SHOWERS The rain falls down when it gets ready Upon the just and the unjust fella. It falls upon the just the most For the unjust has the just's umbrella. -Selected. ONLY THING HE WOULDN'T TAKE Subbubs "I heard that your last servant was a regular thief." Hubbubs "Well, I wouldn't use so harsh a word, but I will say that the only thing we could leave around him with any safety was a bath.”—Indianapolis Star. HAD IT LONG ENOUGH "It tells here of a Missouri man who has an umbrella that has been in his possession for twenty years," said Smith. "Well, that's long enough," replied Jones. it."-Cincinnati Enquirer. THE UMBRELLA TEST “He ought to return "That man is so honest he wouldn't steal a pin," said the admiring friend. "I never thought much of the pin test," answered Miss Cayenne. "Try him with an umbrella !"-Philadelpia Inquirer. IT REMINDED HIM A colored preacher was vehemently denouncing the sins of his congregation. "Bredern an' sistern, Ah warns yo' 'gainst de heinous sin ob shootin' craps! Ah charges yo' 'gainst de black rascality ob liftin' pullets. But, above all else, bredern an' sistern, Ah demolishes yo' 'gainst de crime ob melon-stealin'." A brother in the back seat made an odd sound with his lips, rose and snapped his fingers. Then he sat down again with an abashed look. "Whuffo, mah fren'," said the parson, sternly, "does yo' r'ar up an' snap yo' fingahs when Ah speaks ob melon-stealin'?" "Yo' jes' remin's me, parson," the man in the back seat answered, meekly, "whar Ah lef' mah knife."-Selected. STENOGRAPHERS SHE KNEW HOW TO SPELL "What did you learn at the school?" the boss asked the fair young applicant for the stenographer's job. “I learned,” she replied, “that spelling is essential to a stenographer." The boss chuckled. "Good. Now let me hear you spell 'essential.'” The fair girl hesitated for the fraction of a second. "There are three ways," she replied. "Which do you prefer?" And she got the job.-Cleveland Plain Dealer. THE MAYOR WORKED IN HER OFFICE A small boy, who afterward proved to be a nephew of one of the mayor's stenographers, was wandering about in the city hall when one of the officials there happened upon him. "Well, sonny," inquired the man genially, "for whom are you looking?" "For my Aunt Kate." "Can't you find her?" "I can't seem to." "And don't you know where she is?" "Not exactly. She's in here somewhere, though, and I know that the mayor works in her office."-Harper's Magazine. WORTH HER WAGES "Look here," said the head of the firm, addressing the new stenographer, "this letter is all wrong. Your punctuation is very bad and your spelling is worse. I can't afford to send out any such stuff to my clients." "Well," she snapped, "I'm sorry if my work doesn't suit; but did you expect to get a Mrs. Noah Webster for $13 a week?"-Selected. OUTCLASSED HIM IN SPELLING "You seem to stand in awe of your new stenographer.” "Yes," said the self-made man. "She got the upper hand of me before she had been here a day.” "How did that happen?" "She discovered that I was not in her class as a speller.”— Birmingham Age-Herald. ON HER NERVES While in a certain government office recently Sir Evan Jones, the British transport chairman, overheard the following dialogue between two fair typewriter tappers: "Isn't it terrible the way we have to work these days?" "Rather! Why, I typed so many letters yesterday that last night I finished my prayers with 'Yours truly. "-Vancouver (B. C.) Province. WOMEN STENOGRAPHERS NOT ALLOWED "Would you permit your husband to have a woman typewriter?" "I should say not. I was his typewriter once myself."-Selected. SWEDISH HUMOR HAD A BROTHER THERE Mrs. Erwin was showing Selma, the new Swedish maid, "the ropes." "This," said Mrs. Erwin, "is my son's room. He is in Yale." "Ya?" Selma's face lit up with sympathetic understanding. "My brudder ban there too." "Is that so? What year?" "Ach! he ban got no year! He ban punch a man in the eye, and the yoodge say, 'You Axel, sixty days in yail' !"-Harper's Magazine. HAD HUNTED LONG ENOUGH A young Swede appeared at the county judge's office and asked for a license. "What kind of a license?" asked the judge. "A hunting license?" "No," was the answer. "Aye tank aye bane hunting long enough. Aye want marriage license."-New York Freeman's Journal. COOKING THE FLAT-IRON It was Tuesday morning. The clothes had been washed, dried, and folded, and common sense pointed to the fact that it was ironing day; but cautious Scandinavian Tillie, the new maid, wished to make no mistake. Before committing herself she said appealingly. "Meesis, I skuld like to speak something." "What is it, Tillie?" "Skal I cook some flat-iron?" asked Tillie, earnestly.— Youth's Companion. |