THE JUDGE WAS RIGHT Magistrate: "Well, Uncle Rastus, what brought you here?" Uncle Rastus: "Dem two big perlicemen by de railin', yo' honor." Magistrate: "Yes, but didn't liquor have anything to do with it?" Uncle Rastus: "Yessah! day wuz bofe drunk, yo' honor."— Selected. KNEW THE EFFECTS Judge Ben B. Lindsey was lunching one very hot day, when a politician paused beside his table. "Judge," said he, "I see you're drinking coffee. That's a heating drink. Did you ever try gin and ginger ale?" "No," said the Judge, smiling, "but I have tried several fellows who did."-Selected. A TEMPERANCE CRANK "She seems a positive crank on the subject of temperance." “A crank? I should say so! Why, that woman refuses to entertain a doubt because she says doubts are so often dissipated.”—Selected. WEATHER ONE ON THE WEATHER Six kinds of weather: Jan. Freezes! Feb. Wheezes! March Breezes! Apr. Sneezes! May Eases! June Pleases!-New York Sun. A WARM DAY "It's a very warm day," observed Billy, "I hope that you won't think it silly If I say that this heat Makes me think 'twould be sweet If one were a coolie in Chile !"-Selected. THE WEATHER FORECAST Mistress-Well, Cooper, what is the weather to be like? Gardener-Well, mum, I dunno; but the paper do say, "Forecast."-Selected. WEDDINGS GIVING AWAY HIS DAUGHTER A minister, like his father before him, had often officiated at marriage ceremonies, but this was his first experience at giving away the bride. He was in a devout mood; his church was small, his salary meager and his family numerous. This daughter had been especially expensive. “Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?" droned the preacher. Gently the father placed the slender hand of the bride in that of the embarrassed groom. "Take her, my boy," he exclaimed, his face aglow. "It is more blessed to give than to receive."—Everybody's Magazine. WANTED A DUPLICATE PRESENT Bride-to-Be: "I hope, dear, we won't get any duplicate wedding presents." Groom-to-Be: "Oh, I don't know. Dad's promised us a $5,000 check, and I wouldn't mind getting a duplicate from your father." -Boston Transcript. IT WAS DURING THE WAR "Any old shoes thrown at the wedding last night?" "No; the people were saving them for farmwork." "Any rice?" "What! With foodstuffs so high?" "Confetti, then?" "Say! I guess you don't know how paper has gone up."-Boston Transcript. A DEAR FRIEND Clerk-"I'd like to get a week off, sir, to attend the wedding of a friend." Employer-"A very dear friend, I should say, to make you want that much time." Clerk-"Well, sir, after the ceremony she will be my wife."Boston Transcript. INSTEAD OF CASH A young couple went to a minister's house to get married. After the ceremony the bridegroom drew the clergyman aside and said in a whisper, "I'm sorry I have no money to pay your fee, but if you'll take me down into the cellar I'll show you how to fix your gas meter so that it won't register."-Argonaut. SHE TOLD THE TRUTH Parson-"Do you, Liza, take Rastus for bettah or for wuss?" Bride "Well, if Ah got to tell the truth, pahson, Ah'm takin' him 'cause he's de fust man what eveh axed me.”—Boston Transcript. HE WAS FLUSTERED Maud "The young clergyman who performed the ceremony seemed dreadfully flustered." Ethel "Mercy, yes! Why, he kissed the bridegroom and shook hands with the bride."-Selected. WISDOM ORIGINS Who first discovered two and two make four? That greater things include the less? I stand aghast before such wizardry: Man's head to rip up a hyperbole And square the segments thus disbursed? But pioneer of all who dared to fling Of holy parallelopiped, sing I most adoring, O Euclid! -Stanley K. Wilson, in New York Sun. WHAT CAUSES THE TIDES "Uncle Joe," some one asked, "do you know what causes the tides?" The old man admitted he did. After some urging he explained: "You've turned over in bed, I think likely?" "Certainly." "And when you went over, the bedclothes kind o' slipped round and sloshed round, and didn't get there at the same time you did?" "Yes." "Wal, that's the way of the tides. The old world slips round inside of the sea like a man under the bedclothes, and that's what makes the tides. It's easy enough after you understand it.”— Brooklyn Times. WOMEN'S SUFFRAGE DID NOT CARE TO VOTE A farmer's wife in Connecticut, hurrying from milking the cows to the kitchen, from the kitchen to the churn, from the churn to the woodshed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she wanted to vote. She vehemently replied: "No, I certainly do not. I say now, if there's one little thing that the men folks can do alone, for heaven's sake let 'em do it."Argonaut. WOMEN AND POLITICS "I try to think," said Benham, "that woman is the equal of man and as well qualified to take part in political life; but it sort of jars that belief to get the reply I did this morning from my wife when I remarked, on reading the returns, that Bingham ran ahead of his ticket, and she innocently inquired, 'What was his hurry?"-Judge. DID NOT VOTE LIKE A MAN "I told Henrietta that I was proud to see her vote just like a man," said Mr. Meekton. "Did that please her?" "No. The choice of phrase was unfortunate. She said that if she couldn't use better judgment than a man there would have been no need of her troubling about the vote in the first place.”— Sketch. THOUGHT HE WAS BRAGGING "My dear lady, I go further than believing in woman suffrage; I maintain that man and women are equal in every way." "Oh, Professor! Now you're bragging."-Life. A young fellow over at the City Hall asked his boss for a raise the other day. The boss told him he didn't deserve a raise, because he hadn't done any work at all last year. And he proved it like this: "There were 365 days last year. You slept eight hours each day, or 122 days. That leaves 243 days. You rested eight hours a day, or another 122 days, leaving 121 days. Fifty-two Sundays you didn't work, leaving 69 days. You had an hour and a half each day for for lunch, a total of 23 days, leaving 46 days. You got half a day off each Saturday, or 26 days, leaving 20 days. You got two weeks' vacation each day, leaving 6 days. These 6 days were New Year's Day, Decoration Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. The office was closed on all of them-so you didn't work at all."-Selected. THE CLOTHES DID IT Bill was reading the paper instead of washing the windows of the hotel when the manager looked in. "What's this?" he said. "Pack up your things, and go." So poor Bill drew his money, went upstairs, and put on his good clothes. Coming down he met the manager, who did not recognize him in his black coat. "Do you want a job?" asked he. "Yes, sir," said Bill. "Can you clean windows?" "Yes, sir." “You look a handy sort of fellow." "Thank you, sir," said Bill; and in half an hour he was back in the same old room earning two dollars a week more than beforebut cleaning the window this time, and not reading the paper.— Collier's Weekly. A CURE FOR INSOMNIA "How did you cure yourself of insomnia?" "I left a lot of my day's work unfinished and tried to stay awake and do it at night.”— Selected. IT LOOKED SUSPICIOUS Belle "He said he was a millionaire's son, and I find he is working for $10 a week." Ida-"That looks suspicious! A millionaire's son couldn't get over $5."-Philadelphia Bulletin. YANKEE HUMOR JOSH BILLINGS' SAYINGS A true friend iz one who ain't afraid to tell yu ov yure falts. A good deal ov buty, and a good deal ov sense are seldom found together. He who expekts to be praised every time he duz a virtewous thing will soon git tired ov the bizzness. I think it iz good taste, and also good judgment, when a man prays for the sin ov the people, that he should count himself in. He who ellevates hiz profeshun iz the best mechanik, whether he preaches the gospel, peddles phisiks, or skins eels for a living.Selected. |