"What are you thinking, dear?" asked Mrs. Winkleby, softly. "Nothing, dear, nothing," he said, falteringly, "only don't you think that it would be wiser for us hereafter to build up our little family on the installment plan?"-Harper's Weekly.

BETTER THAN AN ALARM CLOCK

"Bridget's had breakfast late every morning this week. Can't you do something to get her up on time?" asked Mr. Collins. "She has an alarm clock," answered the wife.

"That doesn't always go off," said the husband. "Why not lend her the baby!"-Selected.

A CURE FOR INSOMNIA

"And you say that Brownley was cured of a bad attack of insomnia by suggestion?"

"Yes-purely by suggestion! His wife suggested that since he could not sleep he might as well sit up and amuse the baby. It worked like a charm!"-Selected.

NO FAVORITES IN THE FAMILY

"Oh, no,” soliloquized Johnny bitterly. "There ain't any favorites in this family! If I bite my finger nails, I get a rap over the knuckles, but if the baby eats his whole foot, they think it's cute."Selected.

NOT INDISPENSABLE

"Do you like your new sister, Tommy?"

"Oh, yes," replied Tommy; "she's all right; but there's a lot of things we needed more."-Selected.

KISSING THE BABY

Young Mother-"The doctor says people shouldn't kiss the baby; it isn't sanitary."

Caller "Poor little fellow; why don't you wash him?"-Selected.

THE BOSS WAS ASLEEP

Agent--"Is the boss of the house in?"

Proud Father-"Yes; he's asleep upstairs in his cradle."-Philadelphia Evening Ledger.

A MORE APT DEFINITION

"In your sermon this morning you spoke of a baby as 'a new wave on the ocean of life,' said the church warden to the vicar. "I did," replied the vicar; "it was a poetic figure of speech." "Don't you think a fresh squall' would have hit the mark better?"Selected.

BALDNESS

AN EXCUSE FOR BALDNESS

"Well, I'd be ashamed if I had as bald a head as you! Look at my head of hair!" "I just want to ask you one question." "Yes?" "Did you ever see grass growing on a busy street?"-Selected.

HIS HAIR LIKE HEAVEN

"Anyhow, you must admit that my hair is like heaven," said the man who was being joked about his baldness.

"How's that?" inquired the jesters.

"There's no parting there," was the reply.

WORSE THAN BALDNESS

"You know the old saying, that you cannot have both hair and brains," said the man who was being taunted for his baldness. "Yes," replied one of his tormentors. "But it is too bad when you are deprived of both."

BARGAINING

SHE WANTED A BARGAIN

"What's the price of this silk?" asked a deaf old lady of a young shopman. "Seven shillings," was the reply. "Seventeen shillings!" she exclaimed. "I'll give you thirteen." "Only seven shillings, ma'am, is the price of the silk," replied the honest shopman. "Oh, seven shillings!" rejoined the lady sharply. "Well, I'll give you five."-Youth's Companion.

DID NOT CARE ABOUT COMPLEXION

"Hab yo' any medicine dat will purify de blood?" a coal black Negro inquired of a druggist, as reported in a medical journal. "Yes," answered the druggist. "We keep sarsaparilla at one dollar a bottle. It purifies the blood and clears the complexion." "Well, boss, hasn't yo' sumfin fo' about fifty cents, jes' fo' de blood? I don't keer about de complexion."-Selected.

A BARGAIN THAT UPSET HIM

Patience: "Your brother is a great bargain hunter, I hear." Patrice: "He sure is. And he's quite excited just now."

"What about?"

"Oh, he's a confirmed bachelor, you know, but he read an advertisement yesterday in the paper about great bargains in wedding rings, and now he's all upset."-Selected.

BASEBALL

GOT HIS BASE ON AN ERROR

One of the attendants at an art gallery is a baseball enthusiast, a fact he generally manages to conceal there, though it did come out once.

One afternoon a director came bursting into the room where this attendant was at the time and demanded:

"How is it that Shakespeare's statue is standing on the pedestal marked Scott?"

"Well, sir," answered the attendant, “he must have got his base on an error."-Selected.

THE WRONG TEXT BOOK

"Here, Johnny," said the father, "what are you doing in that bookcase?"

"I want to find a history of the United States."

"What for?"

"Well, Billy Jenkins says Tim Reilly pitched for the Nationals last year, and I want to find out if he did."-Selected.

WAS NOT A MULE

An Englishman was once persuaded to see a game of baseball; and during the play, when he happened to look away for a moment, a foul tip caught him on the ear, and knocked him senseless. On coming to himself, he asked faintly, "What was it?" "A foul-only a foul." "Good heavens!" he exclaimed. "A fowl? I thought it was a mule."-Argonaut.

A SIMILAR SUBJECT

"I want a book for a high school boy."

"How about Fielding?"

"I dunno. Got anything on base-running?"-Louisville CourierJournal.

AN ACCOMPLISHED PITCHER

A young lady whose stock of baseball knowledge was not so large as she believed, sat watching a game that was proving very disastrous to the home team. Along about the eighth inning of the farce she turned to her escort and exclaimed:

"Isn't our pitcher grand? He hits their bats no matter where they hold them!"-Everybody's Magazine.

BEGGING

TRAVELING IN A CIRCLE

Old Lady: "Why do you go around begging instead of working?" Tramp: "I'll tell you de truth, mum. I begs ter get money fer de booze."

O. L.: "But why do you drink the stuff?”

T.: "Ter get up me courage ter go 'round an' beg, mum."-Boston Transcript.

WAS NOT A CANNIBAL

Tramp-"Kind lady, would yer please give a pore man a bite to eat?"

The Lady-"What! You here again? I will call my husband immediately."

Tramp "Excuse me, lady, but I ain't no cannibal. I bid yer good day."-Boston Transcript.

A SAD TALE

"That fellow was an impudent fraud. How did he manage to wheedle money out of you?" "Oh, John, he told me such a sad, pitiful tale about his poor wife who was a widow with six little children!"-Baltimore American.

WAS NOT THERE

There was a timid knock at the door.

"If you please, kind lady," the beggar said, "I've lost my right leg

"Well, it ain't here," retorted the lady of the house, and slammed the door.-New York Times.

HIS TROUBLE EASILY CURED

"Oh, doctor, I feel funny inside!"

"What have you been eating?"

"That's just the trouble, doctor. I ain't had nothing to eat for a week. Could you spare a copper?"-London Firefly.

HIS MINIMUM EXPENSE

The Pedestrian-"See here, are you not the same man who got a dime from me three days ago?"

The Peripatetic-"Yes, sir; but do me best, I can't keep me expenses any lower than three and one third cents a day."-Selected.

PROVED HE WAS A SOLDIER

Beggar "I once was a soldier, lady."

Colonel's daughter-"You were, eh? I'll prove it. Attention! Eyes right! Now, what comes next?" Beggar "Present alms!"-Selected.

A TALE OF TWO IMPOSTORS

Deaf and Dumb Beggar-“Do you think it looks like rain, Bill?” Blind Beggar-"I dasn't look up to see-here comes one o' my best customers."—Puck.

HIS PREFERENCE

"You seem able-bodied and healthy; you ought to be strong enough to work," she remarked, scrutinizingly.

"Yes, ma'am, I know. And you seem beautiful enough to be

on the stage, but evidently you prefer the simple life."

He got a square meal without any further reference to work.— Memphis Commercial-Appeal.

POOR THROUGH PHILANTHROPY

Old Lady: "Here's a penny, my poor man. Tell me, how did you become so destitute?"

Beggar: "I was always like you, mum, a-givin' away vast sums ter the poor an' needy."-Boston Transcript.

COULDN'T SEE HIS FACE

"I'm trying to get back to my poor old father," whined a tramp. "He ain't seen my face for ten long years!"

"I believe you're speaking the truth," muttered the man he had approached. "Why don't you wash it?"-Selected.

AN OFFICIOUS REPRESENTATIVE

Lady of the House-"What do you want?"

Weary Walter-"I am de official representative of de Woman's Household Kitchen Culinary Cuisine League, and I'm making a coast-to-coast trip testing the favorite recipe of de most prominent lady in each town.”—Judge.

AN URGENT REQUEST

Gentleman of the Road.-"Kindly help a pore, lonely, 'omeless man, guv'nor, wot's got nothink in the world but a loaded revolver and no conscientious objection to usin' it!"-Passing Show.

BLUFFING

BROTHERLY LOVE

The two colored brothers were apparently about to come to blows. "Niggah, don't mess wid me," warned one, "cause when you do yo' sure is flirtin' with a hearse."

"Don't pesticate wid me, niggah," replied the other, showing a great bony fist; "don't fo'ce me to press dis upon yo', cause if yo' do Ah'll hit yo' so ha'd Ah'll separate yo' ideas from yo' habits; Ah'll just natcheraly knock yo' from amazin grace into a floatin' opportunity."

"If yo' mess with me, niggah," replied the other, "Ah'll just make one pass, and dere'll be a man pattin' yo' in de face wid a spade to-morrow mornin'."-Borrowed.