the appledemic is over and you need not paralyze the milk every day."-Selected. WHY SHE WANTED A BABY BROTHER "I wish I had a baby brother to wheel in my go-cart, mamma," said small Elsie. "My dolls are always getting broke when it tips over."-Chicago Daily News. SHE HAD FORGOTTEN My little daughter, one dark, rainy day, came indoors with a wet, half-starved kitten, and on remonstrating with her to take it out at once, she became indignant and said, "You don't remember, mother, when you was a little cold cat yourself!"-The United Presbyterian. SHE HAD THE LAST WORD My five-year-old boy and my three-year-old girl were talking. Glenn said, "I'm older than you," and was feeling elated over the fact. Ila, who always has a ready reply, said, "Well, I'm newer than you."-Selected. HAD IT HALF THE TIME "Willie," admonished the father, "why don't you let your little brother have your sled some of the time?" "Why, I do, father," said Willie. "He has it half of the time. I take it going downhill, and he has it coming back."-Selected. DID NOT WANT TO BE BOILED "Do you know why the little chickens come out of the eggs, dear?" "'Course I do. They knew they'd get boiled if they stayed in.”— The Girl's World. KLEPTOMANIA "Pa, what's kleptomania?" "Why-er-it means taking something you don't want." "Was it kleptomania when I took the measles?"-Selected. BOOKWORM AND FISHWORM "Pa, what's a bookworm?" "A man who loves books, my son.” "Then is a man who loves fish a fishworm?"-Selected. WANTED THE COLLECTION EXPLAINED Little Helen was taken to church for the first time one Sunday. The service was a source of wonder to her, but after the offering and she had put in her mite, her curiosity was uncontrollable, and she turned to her mother. "Mother," said she, "what do we get for our money?"-Selected. LAUGHTER Teacher-"Freddie, you mustn't laugh out loud in the school room." Freddie "I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted."-Selected. EASY TO TAKE HER WAY Little Willie became slightly indisposed, and when the family doctor was called he prescribed some medicine in powder form. "Come, Willie," said the fond mother, preparing one of the powders as soon as the medicine arrived from the drug store, “you must take this right away so that you will be well." "No, I don't want to take it," whined Willie, backing away from the dose. "I don't need no medicine." "Why, Willie," pleaded mother, gently drawing the boy toward her, "you never heard me complain about a little powder, did you?” "No, an' neither would I," was the startling rejoinder of Willie, "if I could just put it on my face like you do, but I have to swallow it."-Philadelphia Telegraph. WHERE BAD PEOPLE GO "Now, boys," said the teacher in the juvenile Sunday school class, "our lesson to-day teaches us that if we are good while here on earth, when we die we will go to a place of everlasting bliss. But suppose we are bad, then what will become of us?" "We'll go to the place of everlasting blister," promptly answered the small boy at the pedal extremity of the class.-Selected. CAME DOWN LIKE A LADY The lady was entertaining callers in her East Cleveland home, when the company was startled by a noise like a load of coal being delivered simultaneously. It proved to be nothing but the small daughter of the hostess, who had hurried downstairs in this noisy fashion. The mother was amazed. "Alice," she said severely, "you may go back upstairs and see if you can't come down like a lady." Alice went slowly up the steps. The guests listened involuntarily, but not a sound accompanied the child's descent. She appeared among them as noiselessly as a falling rose leaf. "That was much better," approved her mother. "You see you can come downstairs in a ladylike manner when you try." "Yessum," said Alice. "I slid down the banisters this time."Cleveland Plain Dealer. WAS SHE RUDE? "Was I rude this afternoon?" a little girl asked her mother. "I hope not, my dear," said the mother. Little Girl-"Well, our teacher was examining us in poetry-'Casabianca'-and she asked why did the boy stand on the burning deck, and I said because it was too hot for him to sit down; and she made me stand in the corner."Stray Stories. A NATURAL REPLY The other day a young woman teacher took eight of her pupils through a museum of natural history. "Well, my boy, where did you go with your teacher this afternoon?" asked John's mother on his return. With joyous promptness he answered, "She took us to a dead circus."-Selected. CHINESE HUMOR WANTED SQUEAKY SHOES John Chinaman often has peculiar ideas about the wearing apparel that he buys in America. For one thing, he always wants boots that are several sizes too large, for he believes that in that way he gets more value for his money. In addition to excessive size, boots may have to possess other peculiar characteristics before they meet his full approval, as the following story indicates : A California merchant offered a pair of fine boots that he had long kept in stock to a Chinese for three dollars. The Oriental finally took them, but two days later he brought them back. "What's the trouble, John?" inquired the merchant. "Him good boots." "Him no good,” declared John. "Him no sing-song boot. Velly soon wear out. Me likee sing-song boot or me catchee back t'ree dolla"." "Sing-song boot!" exclaimed the merchant. "Me no sabe." "Me t'ink you sabe, all lite," replied John. "Wha' fo' him boot no singee, Squeak! Squeak! when Chinaman walkee, alle same good boot?" When the merchant had given him in exchange for the fine boots a pair of coarse, cheap ones that squeaked loudly, John Chinaman departed highly satisfied.-Selected. A CHINESE JOKE ABOUT TAFT Here is a story about Taft when in the Far East that is told by Frederic S. Isham, the novelist: Two Chinamen in Shanghai were discussing Mr. Taft's visit to that place after the departure of the Taft party. "Mr. Taft is certainly a very big man,” said one, making a gesture that implied a large circle as he spoke. "He is that," answered the other. "We have certainly had a considerable sphere of American influence in our midst recently." And yet they say Chinamen have no sense of humor.-Selected. A CHINESE PUN Wu Ting Fang is at the head of the Chinese Foreign Office, and you can't put much over on a man with as good a sense of humor as Dr. Wu. A newspaper man recalls his famous wheeze about the Chinaman who committed suicide by eating gold leaf. "But I don't see how that killed him-how did it?" inquired a society woman. "I suppose," said Wu, seriously, "that it was the consciousness of inward gilt!”—Tit-Bits. HE WAS NOT LOST Chinaman-"You tellee me where railroad depot?" CHURCH COLLECTIONS A UNIQUE COLLECTION BOX Mr. Robert P. Manard, a distinguished traveling salesman and Deacon in the First Christian Church at Macon, Ga., has recently invented a unique collection box which he recommends as a cure for small church collections. When you "put in a nickel it will ring a bell, when you put in a quarter, it rings a bell three times. When a penny is dropped in the box it fires a shot, and when you fail to put in anything it takes your picture."-Selected. LED IN THE COLLECTIONS A clergyman, taking occasional duty for a friend in one of the moorland churches of a remote part of England, was greatly scandalized on observing the old verger, who had been collecting the offertory, quietly abstract half a crown before presenting the plate at the altar-rails. After service he called the old man into the vestry and told him, with emotion, that his crime had been discovered. The clerk looked puzzled. Then a sudden light dawned on him. "Why, sir, you don't mean that ould half-crown o' mine? Why, Oi've 'led off' with he this last fifteen year!"-Selected. SALVATION FREE AS WATER The colored parson had just concluded a forceful sermon on salvation, and the great necessity of adjusting themselves to the requirements of salvation was pointed out to the congregation. He had proclaimed salvation to be free-free as water. At the conclusion of the sermon he requested the deacons to take up a collection. An important brother in the rear of the church thought that he would call the parson to book on his statement as to salvation being free. He said: "Parson, in yo' sermon yo' jes giv', yo' say dat salvation am free, an' now yo' is orderin' de deacons to pass de hat. I doant understan' what yo' means by sayin' it's free, an' axin' fer money." The parson gave the brother a fierce look, although smiling, as he again took the pulpit to explain, which he did as follows: "Ise glad de brudder has axed dat question at dis time. Ise glad to make de 'splanation, an' he will understan' how it am. Yo' see, brudder, yo' go down to de river an' de water am flowin' freely, an' dere am a great plenty fer all. Yo'kin drink an' drink all yo' wants, an' fill yo' buckets an' take dem to de house, and it costs yo' nuffin'. It am free jes as I say, but when yo' has dis water piped into yo' house fer de bafftub an' to wash de dishes, de pipin' has to be paid fer. Dis collecshun am to pay fer de pipin'. . . . De brudder deacons will proceed wid passin' de hat an' takin' de collecshun, which I knows am gwine to be librel."-Selected. WHY HE GAVE A generous old German once said, "I likes to gif villingly. Ven I gifs villingly it enjoys me so much that I gifs again."-Selected. COMPANY HAD THE HOGS' COMPANY A Greenwich man tells of a Connecticut farmer who, after having driven a lot of hogs to Greenwich, sold them for precisely what had been offered him before he left home. "You haven't made much by bringing your hogs here," remarked the man. "Well, no," replied the agriculturist, dejectedly, "I ain't made no money, but then, you know," he added, his face brightening, "I had the company of the hogs on the way down."-Harper's Weekly. COMPLIMENTS AN EXPERT The company was about to commence practice in trench-digging. "Shall I show you how to handle the spade?" inquired a young officer of one private who was curiously watching the efforts of his companions. "Ay, if tha likes," responded the soldier. "There you are," commented the officer shortly afterwards, as he handed over the spade. "Tha shapes pratty weel," said the private, an erstwhile collier, "for a novice."-Manchester Guardian. THE FIRST ENCOURAGEMENT HE HAD A young clerk was called before the manager to explain why he was doing his work carelessly. "Mr. Jones," said the manager, "of late your work has been very perfunctory." Just as he was going to ask for an explanation, the young clerk broke in: "Mr. Smith, I've been working here for three months now, and, though |