I have tried my best, that's the first bit of praise I have received since I've been here. Thank you."-New York Sun.

DUBIOUS COMPLIMENT

She "And will you still love me when I am older and homelier?" He "My darling, you cannot avoid growing older; but you will never grow homelier."-Selected.

TENDER-HEARTED

"He is the most tender-hearted man I ever saw."

"Kind to animals ?"

"I should say so. Why, when he found the family cat insisted on sleeping in the coal-bin, he immediately ordered a ton of soft coal."-Tit-Bits.

CONFESSION

THE PART HE TOOK

"So you confess that the unfortunate young man was carried to the pump, and there drenched with water? Now, Mr. French, what part did you take in this disagreeable affair?"

Undergraduate (meekly): "The left leg, sir."-Selected.

CONSCIENCE

OFTEN FINDS THE LINE BUSY

"Conscience," said Uncle Eben, "is only a still small voice, an' half de time when it tries to speak up it finds dat de line is busy." -Selected.

COOKING

HAD TRIED THE SOUP

"Judge," said Mrs. Stevens to the magistrate, who had recently come to board with her, "I'm particularly anxious to have you try this chicken soup."

"I have tried it," replied the magistrate, "and my decision is that the chicken has proved an alibi."-London Puck.

A HARD PUDDING

Recently the sergeants of a certain battery in France sat down to an exceptionally fine dinner, the crowning glory of which was a large plum-pudding. "Seems mighty hard," remarked the sergeantmajor, as he vainly tried to stick his fork into it. "Have you boiled us a cannonball?" "Or the regimental football?" asked another. "Where did you get the flour from?" questioned the sergeant-major, again struggling vainly. struggling vainly. "Where from?" the

cook retorted. "From Store No. 5, of course." "You did?" roared the quartermaster-sergeant. "Then hang you, you've made the pudIding with Portland cement!"-Selected.

ONLY TWO CIGARS A MONTH

Mrs. Athomeday-"Mr. Athomeday has no bad habits whatsoever. He never drinks, and he spends all his evenings at home. Why, he doesn't even belong to the American Club."

Mrs. Clymer-"Does he smoke?"

Mrs. Athomeday—“Only in moderation. He likes a cigar after he has had a good dinner, but I don't suppose he smokes two cigars a month."-The Times of Cuba.

HE MISUNDERSTOOD HER

Wife (who prides herself on her cooking-school experience) to Husband-"Don't you think it looks like rain, John?"

Husband (surveying the tureen)-"It certainly does; but why not make it look more like soup while you were at it?"-Judge.

TRY THIS

"Beg pardon, ma'am," said the butler, "but your son has just eloped with the cook."

"Yes, I put him up to it," replied Mrs. Uppson. "She's the best cook we ever had, and I didn't want to lose her."-Indianapolis Star.

DESERVED TO BE TRIED

The judge was at dinner in the new household when the young wife asked: "Did you ever try any of my biscuits, Judge?" “No,” said the judge, “I never did; but I dare say they deserve it."-Selected.

HEAVY PUDDING

Conversation overheard in a munition canteen after a serving of heavy, half-cooked pudding:

"This 'ere pudding ain't 'alf 'eavy stuff."

"That's nothing. My missus made some one day that we couldn't eat, so she gave it to our ducks. A few minutes later a little boy knocked at the door and said, 'Missus Jones, yer ducks have sank!"" -Watchman-Examiner.

NO HIDDEN INSINUATION

Mrs. Noel-"My husband has had dyspepsia dreadfully lately." Mrs. Nock-"I am so sorry, but I had no idea you were without a cook."-Chicago Daily Tribune.

HER DIPLOMA FOR COOKING

Young Wife: "I got a beautiful parchment diploma from the cooking college to-day, and I've cooked this for you. Now guess

what it is." Husband (trying the omelet): "The diploma.”—TitBits.

WHERE POEMS USUALLY GO

Young Wife: "Hubby, I've made a cake which is really a poem !" Young Husband: "I suppose I'm the waste basket."-Selected.

BISCUITS LIKE HIS MOTHER MADE

Mr. Bellows-"Oh, wife, these look like the biscuits my mother baked twenty years ago."

Mrs. Bellows (greatly delighted)-"I'm so glad."

Mr. Bellows (biting one)-"And, by George, I believe they are the same biscuits."-Chattanooga Times.

COURTESY

ENTERTAINING A PRINCE

An elderly lady who died last week at her home in Breese, Ill., at the age of 89 was fond of telling about a visit of Albert Edward, at that time Prince of Wales, and later King Edward VII of England, to her home on a hunting trip in 1880. During that year the prince was touring the United States with a numerous suite under the name of Lord Renfrew.

While on his way to St. Louis the future King of England left his special car at Dwight's Station and spent two days shooting in Clinton County. On the second day, the prince got lost and wandered for hours in the Santa Fe bottoms separated from the rest of his party. During this time he came to a farmer's hut and demanded that the farmer should take him to his headquarters. The farmer calmly refused. The hunter then asked him if he knew he was addressing the Prince of Wales. The farmer answered he "didn't give a continental if the hunter was the Queen of England." The prince then tried hiring him, but he said he wasn't for hire. It was quite obvious that he mistrusted the royalty of the man who had approached him. Finally Albert Edward succeeded in discovering a young Irishman who steered him back to the station.

There have been a good many illustrations of people entertaining angels unawares, but perhaps there are not many cases on record where a farmer refused to entertain a prince because he doubted his identity. It all goes to show that it is quite easy to be mistaken in such matters and that the safe rule is to be courteous and benevolent at all times.-Selected.

READY TO JOIN HER CLUB

"Madam," said the man in the street car, "I know I ought to get up and give you my seat, but unfortunately I've recently joined the Sit Still Club."

"That's all right, sir," replied the woman. "And you must excuse me for staring at you so hard; I am a member of the Stand and Stare Club"

She proved herself so active and conscientious a member that the man began to feel uncomfortable under her gaze. Finally he rose and said: "Take my seat, madam; I guess I'll resign from my club and join yours."-Boston Transcript.

WAS VERY CHIVALROUS

Working his way through the street car, past the line of women hanging on straps, the conductor noticed a man who he supposed was feigning sleep to avoid paying fare. "Wake up!" he said, as he jolted the slumberer. "I wasn't asleep,” replied the passenger, producing a coin. "Then why do you sit with closed eyes?" "Because of the crowded condition of the car. I hate to see women standing." -Pittsburg Dispatch.

ENGLISH FIRST

Tommy came home at supper time highly elated. "Pa," he said, "I have just learned from one of the soldiers how to say 'thank you' and 'if you please' in French." "Good!" said his father. "That's more than you ever learned to say in English."-Selected.

AN EXAMPLE OF FRENCH COURTESY

Secretary Lansing was contrasting German brusqueness with French courtesy, and, illustrating the latter, recounted the case of the French Government official whose duty it was to issue passports for those who wished to go from one town to another:

In accordance with regulations it fell to him to make out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of his acquaintance, who, unfortunately, had but one eye.

Not wishing to hurt her feelings, the gallant Frenchman in filling out the description inserted the following:

"Eyes, brilliant, brown and expressive, only one is missing."Selected.

BOTH HAD DETERIORATED

The old man's wife was getting into a carriage and he neglected to assist her.

"You are not so gallant, John, as when you were a boy," she exclaimed in gentle rebuke.

"No," was the ready response, "and you are not so buoyant as when you were a gal."-Philadelphia Ledger.

WHY SHE DISLIKED HIM

Patience "Why do you look so disparagingly at that man? He stood up for you at the meeting the other night when you were being abused"

Patrice "Yes, I know he did. But I came up on the same trolley car with him to-night and he wouldn't stand up for me there."Yonkers Statesman.

HE WAS VERY POLITE

Her (sighing)—“Oh, I met such a lovely, polite man to-day." Him-"Where was that?" Her-"On the street. I must have been carrying my umbrella carelessly, for he bumped his eye into it. And I said, 'Pardon me,' and he said, 'Don't mention it-I have another eye left."-Cleveland Leader.

CONSCIENTIOUS

"Here," said Mrs. Exe impatiently, "is another invitation from Mrs. Boreleigh, asking us to one of her bothersome dinners. I hate them."

"Oh, tell her we have a previous engagement," said her husband. "No," said Mrs. Exe virtuously. "That would be a lie. Edith, dear, write Mrs. Boreleigh that we accept with much pleasure."Onward.

WHY HE DID NOT SEE HER

Milly: "I rode all the way up to Harlem in the same subway car with you the other day."

Billy: "That's strange. I didn't see you."

Milly: "Oh, I don't know. You had a seat and I was standing." -Judge.

WHY HE GAVE HER HIS SEAT

I rose with a great alacrity

To offer her my seat;

'Twas a question whether she or I

Should stand upon my feet.

-Cornell Widow.

COURTSHIP

COOKING NOT THE FIRST CONSIDERATION

"But you can cook?" asked the prosaic young man.

"Let us take these questions in their proper order," returned the wise girl. "The matter of cooking is not the first thing to be considered."

"Then, what is first?" he demanded.

"Can you provide things to be cooked?"-Christian Intelligencer.

WAS KIND TO THE PAWNBROKER

"John," she said sternly, "father saw you this morning going into a pawnbroker's with a large bundle."

Her suitor flushed. Then he replied in a low voice: