W

"DAD"

E happened in a home the other night, and over the parlor door saw the legend, worked in letters of red: "What Is Home Without a Mother!" Across the room was another brief, "God Bless Our Home!"

Now, what's the matter with "God Bless Our Dad!" He gets up early, lights the fire, boils an egg, wipes off the dew of the lawn with his boots while many a mother is sleeping. He makes the weekly hand-out for the butcher, the grocer, the milkman and the baker, and his little pile is badly worn before he has been home an hour.

If there is a noise in the night, dad is kicked in the back and made to go downstairs and find the burglar and kill him. Mother darns the socks, but dad bought the socks in the first place, and the needle and yarn afterwards. Mother does up the fruit; dad bought it all, and jars and sugar cost like the mischief.

Dad buys the chickens for Sunday dinner and serves them himself and draws the neck from the ruins after every one else has been served.

"What Is Home Without a Mother?" Yes, that's all right; but what is home without a father? Ten chances to one it's a boarding house. Father is under the sod, and the landlady is a widow. Dad, here's to youyou have got your faults-you may have lots of them-but you are all right, and we will miss you when you are gone; and dad also puts up for insurance, so we'll have some money if he gets knocked out. He buys the best while he's about it, too; he joins the artisans.-Progressive Ideas.

Somewhere in France

DEAR DAD:

Received your letter to-day after a long wait. It was forwarded to me from our regimental headquarters in Aberdeen. It is very cold over here and we suffer something cruel with our kilts, but we are fast gaining ground out here, our enemy, the Germans, hate to see the Scotch and Canadians coming at them with cold steel, I mean the bayonet. Sometime ago I was transferred in what is known as the Bombing Section, our business is to charge and bomb the Huns in their trenches. I can't say that I enjoy it very much. I must say that I have been very lucky so far, as some time ago we had orders to attack a trench and out of our company

near

of bombers some 20 men, 1 officer and 3 privates answered roll call. I got mine, but nothing serious. I am now in a rest camp.

Write soon and let

me know how things are going in Disston's; also the football team. You know I was in the hospital in July, 1916. Well, I rejoined my regiment in September, when I went out again I stayed until I was struck on the 26th of December. I am feeling all right again. I am beginning to think I have had enough of hospital. While in France I was in the American Red Cross Hospital and I was treated fine. I will have to stop, as my head is beginning to hurt. When writing to me, address all letters to our regimental headquarters. love and best wishes to all.

Your son,

With

HARRY MACAULEY, 10053, 8th Gordon Highlanders,

Aberdeen, Scotland.

In honor of a visit paid to his plant by the governor of the State, an automobile manufacturer once had a complete car assembled in something like seven minutes.

Some weeks after this feat was heralded in the daily papers, the phone at the factory rang vigorously. "Is it true that you assembled a car in seven minutes at your factory?" the voice asked.

"Yes," came the reply. "Why?" "Oh, nothing," said the calm inquirer, "only I've got the car."

-The Yellow Strand.

THE SISTER'S REPLY

He was a young subaltern. One evening the sister had just finished making him comfortable for the night, and before going off duty asked: "Is there anything I can do for you before I leave?

Dear little Two Stars replied: "Well, yes! I should like very much to be kissed good-night."

Sister rustled to the door. "Just wait till I call the orderly," she said. "He does all the rough work here." -London Opinion.

VALET-A lady called while you were out, suh.

BACHELOR-Was she young? VALET-No, suh! No, suh! She was an experienced lady.-Life.

ONE OF OUR OFFICE GIRLS, NO DOUBT

"As soon as I get to camp I am going to send my girl a rifle and bayonet and a sword." "Is she collecting souvenirs?" "No, but she enjoys having arms about her."

-Detroit Saturday Night.

"Where's your little brother?" "He hurt himself."

"How?"

"We were seeing who could lean out of the window the farthest, and he won."-The Rumbler.

The proofreader on a small Middle Western daily was a woman of great precision and extreme propriety. One day a reporter succeeded in getting into type an item about "Willie Brown, the boy who was burned in the West End by a live wire."

On the following day the reporter found on his desk a frigid note asking: "Which is the west end of a boy?"

It took only an instant to reply: "The end the sun sets on, of course."

KEEPING UP WITH FATHER

It was a Pike County woman who indited a note to the teacher concerning the punishment of her young hopeful. The note ran thus: : You rite me

"Dear Miss about whippin' Sammy. I hereby give you permission to beat him up any time it is necessary to learn his lesson. He is just like his fatheryou have to learn him with a club. Pound nolege into him. I want him to get it and don't pay no attention to what his father says I'll handle him."-Reading Eagle.

THE ONLY WAY

The Irish sergeant had a squad of recruits on the rifle range.

He tried them on the five-hundredyard range, but none of them could hit the target. Then he tried them on the three-hundred-yard, the twohundred and the one-hundred-yard ranges in turn, but with no better success. When they had all missed on the shortest range, he looked around in despair. Then he straightened up.

"Squad, attention!" he commanded. "Fix bayonets! Char-r-ge!" -Everybody's.

"What have you in the shape of cucumbers, this morning?" asked the customer of the new grocery clerk.

"Nothing but bananas, ma'am," was the reply."-Christian Register.