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obvious reasons, therefore, an extract of his horns, or hornin, would be a desideratum in such a hypothetical Brown-Séquardian remedy. The age of the animal may be a factor also; for it is an ancient adage and true, “The older the buck, the stiffer the horn.' This, added to an extract of the testicle, or testine, combined with the fractional parts of the dorso-lumbar cord, or lumbarin, should constitute an aphrodisiacal trinity as potent to enter any citadel as the battering rams of ancient Rome.
“The most wonderful feature of his new discovery'is now promulgated: the Doctor finds that 'the older the patient, the longer has the treatment to be continued, though the dose should not then be increased over and above what is needful to obtain an effect commensurate with the age of the patient.' That is good. We like it.
We like it. Here is a remedy which can be employed on a sliding scale with a consideration for the aged impotent and a caution lest he should take a dose that might produce effects not commensurate with his age. To be sure, it would not do for the old gent to get too frisky in this line. But who is to be the judge of the degree of 'effect commensurate with’any given period of life? We suggest a graduated scale or table, based on something like the mortuary table of insurance companies, to go with every bottle, indicating the effects commensurate with the age of the patient,' for the safe guidance of ambitious old men.
“ The Doctor continues to supplement his 'valuable discovery' for impotency, by other very excellent cures in themselves. He says: 'A general tonic treatment and a course of light gymnastics, combined with regular out-door exercise, will make the cure more permanent.' However, a buckshot prescription requires a shot-gun weapon to bring down sporty game. After reinforcing his male-sheep extract with a whole flock of accessories, the Doctor exultingly declares: 'I have since attended many cases and not observed a single failure. So decided is the success obtained that I had several offers to allow the use of the formula for a patent medicine.' The Doctor, in the interests of legitimate medicine and the ethics of our profession, presumably, waived these tempting offers. His stock went up a few points in our esteem. We read further: “Because of the difficulties encoun tered in the preparation of the extract, and the high price which would have to be charged by an apothecary putting up the prescription for a single case, at the request of many friends I have given the formula to the druggist, Mr. No.
St., from whom physicians and apothecaries may obtain it at a moderate price. At last it was evident to us that the Doctor was trying to pull the wool of his male sheep over our eyes, for the mercenary purpose of sharing the golden fleece with his druggist friend.
“Dr. Engel's experimental sophistry has made us skeptical. We cannot escape the conviction that there is nothing but impotency in the spinal extract of the amorous ram."
Dr. Burr's paper is pithy, witty, and to the point. Dr. Engel laid himself open to suspicion, and, in Dr. Burr's excellent criticism, gets precisely what he deserves. “Lumbarin” reminds me of a wonderful preparation which I invented some years ago. At the time BrownSéquard's "Elixir of Life” was exploited, some of our Chicago physicians achieved some newspaper notoriety through their opinions of the new and wonderful remedy. Several of my newspaper friends who were desirous of seeing me participate in the general advertising, asked me to contribute something to the general fund of information. I said: "Nay, for I have something much better which I will divulge when perfected.” With great mystery I hinted (entre nous, of course) that I had discovered a remedy more potent than extract of the testes of the gentle yet frisky lamb, which would be perfected as soon as I could gather roosters enough. Two weeks later I invited a select party to try the new preparation. About six of my friends responded and received a hypodermatic injection of my wonderful rejuvenator. The fluid was red — which went Séquard one better. The results were amusing. One gentleman was sent home in a cab with, as he expressed it, "the top of his head opening and shutting like a boxlid." Taken altogether, I received more practical instruction in the physiological action of nitro-glycerin than ever before. I let the cat out of the bag just in time to stop the publication of a long newspaper article on my wonderful discovery. That prince of mercantile doctors, Hammond, has since hit upon my old joke and is making—or trying to make-hay with it. I find, however, that my discovery has assumed many forms. “Testine,” “Cardine," “Ovarine," and Fraudine are more pretentious preparations than I had ever hoped to make from my humorous solution of nitro-glycerin.
Verily the profession is running after strange gods, chief among whom is he who is known as King Fake. His retinue of “ines" and "ites,” “amnias,” “antis," etc., is getting larger day by day, and the ready-made doctor will soon crowd us off the planet.
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SEP 11 1921