take this matter to heart, and not imagine that the floor of Congress is a stump, with open space about them, where they may blow away like five hundred bellowses without fillin' up the wackuum, and that the time of the House is eternity, and big enough to put any think into! New Publications, SMITH AND ISLE OF WIGHT QUARTERLY. SMITHSON: Bunkum. Republication. WE are afraid that some of the quarterlies are getting rather seedy. They been conducted now in one strain for a good many years. It's high time some new featurs was grafted into 'em. Society and manners, and feelings and ways of doing things are shifting the whole blessed time, just as the SUN keeps changing his position, making the lights and shades different all the time. Now the tree is foreshortened, like a boy when he's a goin' to leap, and then again it 's plastered way out on the ground a half a mild. One season makes apple-blossoms, and another as good Newtown pippins as you pretty near ever tasted. Well, when it's summer we put on nankeen; in winter woolen. When it's CHARLES THE FIRST's reign we wear loose waist-coats and ruffles, and small clothes and sword-canes, and dress like gentlemen; but when it's VICTORIA'S and General ZACKARY TAYLOR's reign, we have other things to attend to, and don't dress like gentlemen. Hence we view that newspapers begin with a prospectus ; and when they follow after it for about ten years, fixed and stationary, the whole substratum of approbation draws away from them, and leaves them as dead as herrings. Just so it is with what they call the legitimate dramy. They will write their interminable blank verse, to make the carakters talk instead of act; to make the plot a wehicle for the talk, instead of making the talk hurry on the plot. Hence the spectators, being out of all patience because the cakes are not hurried up, go and pay half a dollar for a bona-fidy lectur, when they could get just as good out of a book for nothing any day. Subscribers of the Flag-Staff, we are out of all patience! 'FROM THE PLAINS.'-JIM VAN BLARCUM has just come in from Jamaica Plains. Reports a hoss and waggon stuck in the mud. WE been readin' Mr. DICKENSES' DOM BEY,' and we wish he could-a seen us in a little obscure corner in Ameriky, far from cities, way back in the ked❜ntry, at two cent hickory-fire, by turns put in an eyeso'clock at night, settin' before a magnifiter, (a superb eyester; none of your copperus English eyesters,) puttin' a little butter onto it, and a little red pepper, and eat it up, and then to DOMBEY; read a page all about SUSAN NIPPER, and then an eyester, and so on. Most novelists take a few robbers, a few gentlemen, a few romantic geirls, and mix 'em up; and when they write another novel they do the same. But DICKENS has dropped a line into the great vortex of human natur, and there's no end of the fish he brings up. Slappin' him onto the back, we say to him, You grow better instead of wus, which is wice wersy to all writers of the day.' There is one figur in that book about a beautiful sceden, two affectionate creaturs, a mother and a little child, clasp in the embrace of death, and the cold-hearted pa lookin' on; and the memory of that sceden he compares to a pictur in a stream; there were these creaturs so lovingly clasped, while he, the cold-hearted, stood lookin' on from the bank above. We hain't the book by us at this moment, and are afeered we do injustis; but it is the most touching, superb figur that has ever been put down into a book. deal of trouble, she is such a witch. Sometimes she is almost too much for her, and then comes the bread and water system, with now and then a straight jacket and boxed ears, as Miss BILLINCOO is pretty severe when she's a mind to. The new dancing-master, M. COULON, is a funny little man, and sets all the girls a-laughing. We are to have an assembly next week. I send you the minutes of our ASSOCIATED RING DOVE SOCIETY,' with reference to the reception of HENNERY CLAY: MINUTES. Ar a meeting of the ASSOCIATED RING DOVES, Miss MARY ANN DELIGHTFUL was called to the Chair, and Miss ELIZA JANE BEVAX appointed Secretary. The Chairman briefly stated the object of the meeting. On motion it was Resolved, That we honor the great Statesman as well for his devotion to the country as the sex; We mean HENNERY CLAY. Resolved, That a committee of twelve be appointed on kisses; that no one shall hug him around the neck; and that the girls shall go up for the purpose of kissing in the order appointed by the Marshall, the same as when General ZACKARY TAYLOR visited the school. Resolved, That a committee be appointed to wait on HENNERY CLAY, to request him to kiss the clder Miss BILLINCOO, lest she should feel hurt. The meeting adjourned. ELIZA JANE BEVAX, Secretary. OH! MY DEAR MR. EDITOR!-We have been too excited. Our school has been thrown into a state of confusion, which can be better imagined than described. Think of all the ink-stands upset, all the copy-books torn into fragments, all the French exercises forgotten; while poor ELIZA JANE BEVAX has actually gone into hysterrick fits. HENNERY CLAY-yes, HENNERY CLAY, the distinguished statesman, patriot of the Senate, visited our school to-day. Wasn't it too much for us poor excitable creatures! We had expected the visit. Miss BILLINCOo had given strict orders to put the school in order. The north room was fitted up with all the delicate taste which you must give us girls credit for. Your correspondent's, your humble servant's, one Miss MARY ANN DELIGHTFUL'S needle-work consisting of a pet lamb and shepherd, in handsome frame, graced the further end. ELIZA JANE BEVAX, the fainting girl, (poor OH! the sufferin's of natur- of sufferfoolish thing, to faint just at that moment, which in' human natur! There are aches in the was the most interesting in her life;) JANE BEVAXES painting of Robbing a Bird's Nest,' in gilt stomac and pains in the head; gouts in frame, stood next; then a variety of things, or the toe and the growin' in of the nail; rerys, musical instruments, geranium and rose-tooth-ache and ear-ache; eruptions on the bushes; while just over the door of entrance was an arch, enterwined with flowers, written on it, in elegant gilt letters, 'WELCOME, HENNERY CLAY.' It was a thrilling, never-to-be-forgotten moment; Oh! it was indeed too much for nerves constituted like mine, when the great man entered, and looked smilingly around on us girls! He then complimented the school-room, in tones as musical as if they came out of a silver trumpet; but when he turned round, with his unwonted felicity, to our dear Miss BILLINCOO, and said, 'Madam, your establishment does you credit,' we burst like a external surface; the hair falls off; the teeth come out; the face caves in; in fact, a sea of troubles, which it would take a ship a long time to sail through! But we have much to be thankful for, livin' when we do, when so much is actooally done for the relievement of the specie. We have only to look at the new medicines invented day by day to be sure on that p'int. We flock of young lambs right over our rules and regulations. I assure you, my dear Flag-Staff, we particularly call the attention of our readers could not help it. The strife was who should get to the advertisement of 'CODDLE'S MEDIthe first kiss. Miss SNEAZY, of Shauncetown, has CATED APPLE-SAAS,' which will be found rather the longest limbs, but I rather think one in another column, and which bids fair to MARY ANN DELIGHTFUL outstripped her on that occasion. My feelings entirely overcame me; I take a peculiarly high rank among medithrew my arms around this Father of his Country's cated drugs. It is not costive, being only neck and kissed his lips; and Oh! never-to-be-forgotten moment, he smacked mine again!- and twenty-five cents a keg. There are many again!-and again! All the prettiest girls in the description of pills fighting with one anroom went up and hugged him, and he seemed real- other for the mastery, and had they legs to ly to enjoy it very much, as what man, whose heart was not made of the nether mile stone would not? kick with, and fingers to scratch with, look for Oh! there is in beauty a thrill which the light-out for blood on the pavement. But they ning cannot equal and the electric fluid knows not! It fires the soul with frenzy, which the warrior in the battle, nerved by the sounds of trumps and martial music, and the dread instruments of war, can scarcely feel! Dear Miss BILLINCOO has had a violent sick headache, now that it is all over, but every one on the great occasion said she acted so well. Only one untimely occurrence marred the occasion: JANE REYNOLDS was up in her room on bread and water for drawing the DEVIL on her slate. REYNOLDS is a sad girl. She has indeed given our good Miss BILLINCOO a great consist of nothin' but a little pot-belly without a neck, head, arms or legs. To settle these great disputations, we therefore propose the followin' ingenus method: Take the opposing pill-boxes to the summit of a tolerabul size hill, gin the word, start even, unloose 'em, set the little fellers agoin, and whichever works fastest, and gets to the bottom fust, let them be the smartest They got a load of timber cut, The keel was laid, the mast was placed, The brig with figure-head was graced, And it was cut and carved with taste, And all was done, even as begun, Upon a Friday morning. At last, to carry out the game, To every Friday morning. Now from the ways all painted bright, While crowds admired the gallant sight, And cheers expressed their loud delight, With all her crew she swiftly flew, Upon a Friday morning. She sailed from port most pleasantly; Alas! she ne'er returned again! Nor tidings came, for it is plain She struck a rock upon the main; And this befel, the seamen tell, Upon a Friday morning. Here was the error, we suspect, So ships go down, (but why they do, Upon a Friday morning. Advertisements. ECOMMENDATIONS OF CAPTAIN CODRELE'S MEDICATED APPLE-SAAS! SURE AND SARTIN REMEDY FOR THE BLIND PILES! I. FROM AN OLD LADY. "ONLY to think of that dear old creatur standin' all day on the sea-shore without no hat, at his time of life, thinking what he could do for the good of his feller men! May a kind PROVIDENCE do more nor he can ask or think; cured me of my affection: before that, couldent go to the cellar-door, and a good appetite: now I thank you, little grandchild experience also much benefit; darter SALLY ANN say she has not been so well in a twelf month. Only to think poor old crittur wantin' to do somethin', and nothin' but appels to work onto; did all he could; invented his Saäs, and dedicated it to the LORD: want to rob him of his property; spurous drugs aint worth a pennywuth; wain and worse than in wain; made a great many sick near Geneva college: poor old crittur got his reward. Pleas send me two barls, and Mr. WEATHERBY pay you: Give it a fair trial; tried every thing: JENK'S Delmonicon, HARVEY's Crokorinthikon, APPLEGATE'S Bitters, JONESES Terraxicum, PITGRAVES' Pilula, Lavender Cumpound, Magnetic garters; had the Turns bad as ever; did n't do no good: My dear friend, the LORD reward you and make your Saäs abundantly useful in its day and generashun, is the prayer of yours, Faithfully, 'SARAH BANKS.' HAD I KNOWN. 'MY DEAR SIR: Had I known of your remedy a six months sooner it might have cured up a great many biles. To sit down was impossible, and to come upon me in any other part, would have borne it like a Christian and a man. But JOB himself lost patience when they attacked him there. I done all I could. Your Apple-Saas seemed to reach down to the root of the disorder, by washing out the blood of its impurities, (and so to speak) soap-sudding it, wringin' it, and put ting it out to dry, onto a line. After eating nearly a barrel of your Saäs, the biles began to manifestly decline, and seen their best days. They attended each others' funerals until they was all gone. After which, I did not think it adwisable to continue the Sais, but should undoubtedly in case of their recurrence. I consider your discovery to be most simple and useful in its effects of the age, WASHINGTON POTTS, III. OH! HOW FATTENING! A HIGHLY respectable citizen in North Bergen writes us in the words following, to wit: DOWN PIMPLES, CURES BILES, DESTROYS RING- NOLORED ADVERTISEMENT.-PROFESC SOR PLATO CISCO, a colored pusson of respekability, inspector of walls and white-washing, respekably inform de public, his white fellow citizens and abolishun Siety, will attend to orders in line of his profeshun wid carefulness and despatch. Profesor Cisco being well acquainted with carpet-shaking tictacs, solicits a share of patronage. His son, JUPITER AMMON, will open eysters at a moment's warning, attend to parties, call de figures and play de violin. N. B. JUPITER AMMON blacks as good a boot as any colored gem'man in Bunkum. OH! how fattening your Saas is! It riz me completely onto my legs though prostrated by a long decline, which my friends confidently predicted would be the last. But the LORD ordered Fo it otherwise, when by the merest accident, I met with your advertisement of the Saäs. After three hogsheads consumed, it began to work beneficiously, wakin' up the liver from its long state of torpor in which it had been dreaming, and not very pleasant dreams either. I am now a well man, eat my salt pork, and it sets well; drink my brandy and the stomak takes it kind. Should I ever be jeopardized again, rest assured, my Dear Sir, I shall never fail to apply for the never failing remedy, for your Saäs, in the estimation of good judges, is beginning to take its stand in the highest rank of medicated drugs. 17. JOHN FORSINE. WHY DID YOU NOT? OR SALE at this Orifice a few copies in pamfalet forrum, of Miss MARY ANN DELIGHTFUL'S composition on Platonic Love, which obtained the prize at Miss BILLINCOO's Seminary for Young Ladies! also, in the same forrum, PECK'S Great Essay on FRIENDSHIP, published in Flag-Staff. Orders solicited from the trade. HE subscriber wishes a partner to go with Thim into the CEMETERY BUSINESS. This new and rising trade may be well worth the attention of any who has capital to inwest. The population is getting so great that it becomes a matter of Christian duty to provide for their remains, lest they become a nuisance. The object of the subscriber is to lay out grounds, plant trees, put up receiving-tombs, and to do every thing to make death as desirable as possible, (at the same time to do a living trade) and to provide many of them when dead a better mausoleum than they had livsuf-ing. The attention of Odd-Fellows, Sons of Temperance, Daughters of Temperance, Independent Order of the Rechabites, Free Mason's Lodges, and society in general, is requested. wh.t.nxt! WHY did you not inform me that Captain CODDLE had contrived this thing? It was really cruel of you, when you knew I have been a ferer, and knew that the remedy touched my case. Had you done so, instead of being a little stimulated and strengthened around the girth, I might have been walking in the Northern Liberties, where I have my store. Tell the Captain he has gone and done a thing posterity may be grateful for, and will be grateful for, if posterity should be sick. We hope they wont be sick, but if they should be sick let them apply to CODDLE, or should a post mortem be held by that time, to CODDLE'S heirs.' YES, MY DEAR! A LADY has received the enclosed extract of a letter from her husband: Yes, my dear! I cant express my gratitude when I tell you those colic pains are all gone, obliterated, swept off I may say with a broom. I no longer double myself up like a bow knot, or like a fiddler keeping time. My love, I am delighted. Tell the Captain in all his voyages he never steered so smack into the haven of public good. Tell him to imagine his hand shook. I long to see you; I am doin' very well. I have sold fifty crab-apple trees in this place,' etc., etc. We suppose that on a moderate calculation fifty recommends like the above might be easily scraped together. Look out for spurious imitations. 6 SM J. SPATCH. MITH AND SMITHSON will publish tomorrow, the January number of the Isle of Wight Quarterly Review: CONTENTS.-NO. CIII. ART. I. THE EVERLASTING CORN-LAWS II. THE EVERLASTING MALTHUS. 3. ATTIC SALT: HOW ESTIMATED 2. THE RELATIVE ENDURANCE 4. MORTAR: AN ESSAY ON THE HANOVER. V. WOOL-GROWING VI. VII. AND WOOL 1. SHIPPING STATISTICS OF BAN- 2. CHIPS FROM THE WORK-SHOP. IF THE PERSON WHO TOOK MY UMBE RELL at Mrs. PONSONBY's party, he having failed to take my poetic hint, does not return it immediately, he will be exposed, as he is known. Bunkum. WILLIAM PILK. THE TAKER OF MR. PILK'S UMBERELL (Umberell! ha ha!) presents his compliments to Mr. PILK, and is not afraid of being 'exposed as he is known.' He is not known. It was taken in a crowd, put away immediately after the party, and has not been used since. Mr. PILK may therefore consider his assertion a lie nailed to the counter.' It is a pity that a man who can write such good verse as Mr. PILK should deal in untruths; but it is a consolation to the gentleman who took the 'umberell' (ha! ha!) and who was very much in need of it, (ha! ha!) that there are liars in the world as well as thieves! INCOG. THE Prospectus. HE BUNKUM FLAG-STAFF is published every now and then at Bunkum, and also at the office of the KNICKERBOCKER in New-York. It will take a firm stand on the side of virtue and morality. It has received the most marked encomiums from the press and from individooals. Our brother has also written to us in most flatterin' terms of our journal. We shall endeavor to merit these marks of favor, and it affords us the most adequate satisfaction to inform our readers that Miss MARY ANN DELIGHTFUL, the pleasant writer, who is all smiles and dimples, is ENGAGED not to be married, reader, though that is an event no doubt to take place but is engaged to furnish a series of articles for this paper. Other talent will be snapped up as it occurs. All kinds of jobwork executed with neatness and despatch. The Fine Arts and Literature fully discussed. There will be a series of discriminating articles on music, to which we call the attention of amatoors. PRINCIPLES OF NINETY-EIGHT, and all the great measures of the day, as well as all other principles, fully sustained; vice uprooted by the heels, and cast him like a noxious weed away. For farther particulars see large head: THE BUNKUM FLAG-STAFF IS EDITED BY MR. WAGSTAFF. Horses and cabs to let by the editor. Old newspapers for sale at this offls. WANTED, AN APPREN TICE. He must be bound for eight years, fold and carry papers, ride post once-t a-week to Babylon, Pequog, Jericho, Old Man's, Mount Misery, Hungry Harber, Hetchabonnuck, Coram, Miller's Place, Skunk's Manor, Fire Island, Mosquito Cove and Montauk Point, on our old white mare, RUN and must find and blow his own horn. AWAY, AN INDENTED APPRENTICE, named JOHN JOHNS, scar on his head, one ear gone, and no debts paid of his contracting. California gold, banks at par, pistareens, flippenny bits, and United'n States'n currency in general, received in subscription. Also, store pay, potatoes, corn, rye, oats, eggs, beans, pork, grits, hay, old rope, lambs'wool, shovels, honey, shorts, dried cod, catnip, oil, but'nut bark, paints, glass, putty, hemp, snakeroot, cord-wood, live geese feathers, saxafax, dried apples, hops, new cider, axe-handles, mill-stones, heinlock gum, bacon and hats, ginshang-root, vinegar, punkins, ellacompaine, harness, hops, ashes, slippery-ellum bark, clams, nails, varnish, sheet-iron, sapsago cheese, old junk, whiskbrooms, manure, and all other produce, taken in exchange. Those who don't want the last number of the FLAG-STAFF please return it to this offiis, post paid, as the demand for that number very great. A patent churn and washing-machine, to go by dog-power, are left here for inspexion. WANTED TO HIRE, A NEW MILCH FARRER Cow; give eight quarts of milk night and morning; also, to change milks with some neighbor with a cheese-press for a skim-milk cheese once-t a week. |