that they would violate the Great Covenant, and set at naught the election according thereunto if it went against them.

6. And there were throughout the provinces of the land of Unculpsalm at the North great multitudes, Dimmichrats, of whom were the Pahdees, who were friends of the Phiretahs of the South, and wished them well, and labored with them; for they said, It is by the alliance of the men of the South, and by reason of the everlasting Niggah, that we rule the land.

7. But they deceived themselves; for it was the Phiretahs which ruled the land, using the Dimmichrats, and by the one thought of the everlasting Niggah.

8. Yet it came to pass that when the voices of the people were numbered, according to the Great Covenant, Abraham was chosen.

9. Then the Phiretahs of the South began to do as they had threatened; and they gathered together in their provinces, and said, Our provinces shall no longer be a part of the land of Unculpsalm, for we will not have this man Abraham to rule over us.

10. Yet there were men of the South, a great multitude, among whom was Stephen, of Joarji, who said, Not so. Why will ye do this great evil and destroy the nation? It is right for us to respect the Great Covenant. If the man who had our voices had been chosen, the men of the North would have received him, and obeyed him as the chief ruler in the land of Unculpsalm; and it is meet and right that we should do likewise, even according to the Great Covenant. Moreover, we have suffered no wrong at the hands of the new rulers; and the old were men of our own choosing. Will ye make this land like unto Mecsicho?

11. But the Phiretahs would not hearken unto these men, and went on their way, and beat some of them, and hanged others, and threatened noisily, and gathering unto them all the people of the baser sort, and inflaming them with hate and strong drink, they set up a rule of terror throughout their provinces. For the Phiretahs were men of blood. the Phiretahs prevailed over the men who would have respected the Great Covenant.

So

12. And the men of the North, both they who had given their voices for Abraham and they who had given their voices with the men of the South against him, were amazed and stood astounded. And they said among themselves, This is vain boasting and vaunting, such as we have seen aforetime, done for the sake of more compromise.

Q

13. (Now in the land of Unculpsalm, when a man humbled himself before another which threatened him, he was said to compromise.)

14. And the Dimmichrats, save those who had hearkened unto the ministers of Belial, said, Let us compromise ourselves again unto our Southern brethren, and it shall be well with us.

15. For they said among themselves, If the men of the South go, they and their provinces, there will be no more everlasting Niggah; and we shall cease to rule the land. And if they go not, behold then they will remember that we have compromised unto them, and they will again be gracious unto their servants, and will admit us unto a share in the government, and we shall rule the land as aforetime.

16. But the Phiretahs were wise in their generation, and they saw that the Dimmichrats were of no more use unto them, and that because the men of Belial had prevailed against the Dimmichrats, their power was gone in their provinces; and so as they could no more use the Dimmichrats, they would not listen to them, and spurned their compromising, and spat upon it, and went on to destroy the nation, and prepared to make war against Abraham if he should begin to rule over them.

17. Now in those days there was a man in Gotham named Ken Edee, who was chief captain of the watchmen of the city and the region round about; and in Joarji was a man named Robert, who dwelt among the tombs, and who was possessed of an evil spirit whose name was Blustah. And Robert was a Phiretah.

18. And Ken Edee, chief captain of the watch in Gotham, found arms going from Gotham to the Phiretahs in Joarji, and he seized them. For he said, Lest they be used to destroy the nation, and against the Great Covenant, which is the supreme law in the land of Unculpsalm, to which first belongeth my obedience.

19. Then Robert, who dwelt among the tombs, being seized upon by his demon Blustah, sent a threatening message unto Phernandiwud. 20. (For at this time Phernandiwud was chief ruler in the city of Gotham.)

21. Saying, Wherefore keep ye the arms of the Phiretahs? Give them unto us that we may make war against you, or it shall be worse for you.

22. Then Phernandiwud, because he hated the chief of the watchmen of Gotham, and because he hoped for the good success of the Phiretahs, compromised himself unto Robert, and crawled on his belly. before him in the dust, and said, Is thy servant a man that he should

do this thing? Thy servant kept no arms, neither would he do so. Let them who have the evil spirit Bak Bohn do thus unto my lords the Phiretahs. Behold, thy servant is no man, but a Phlunkee.

23. (Now the Phlunkees were men who had never had the spirit Bak Bohn, or who had had it cast out of them, because when they would have prostrated themselves and humbled themselves in the dust and compromised to their profit, the spirit rent them sore. So they had each of them his Bak Bohn cast out of him.)

24. And the Phiretahs went on their way without hindrance. For James, by facing both ways, faced neither; and both of the men of the South and the men of the North he was not regarded. And the nation spued him out of its mouth.

25. And Abraham ruled the land. But the Phiretahs withstood him, and made war upon him, and drove his captains out of the strongholds which were in their provinces, and humbled the banner of Unculpsalm.

26. Then all the men of the North, even the Dimmichrats, of whom were the Pahdees, were exceeding wroth; and they rose up against the Phiretahs of the South, and marched against them to drive them out of the strong places which they had seized, and to plant thereon again the banner of Unculpsalm.

27. For they all had exceeding reverence for the Great Covenant, and they were filled with pride of their nation, its might, and its wealth, and its vastness, and chiefly that its people were more free than any other people, and that its tillers of the soil and its wayfaring men could read and understand, and that there each man sat under his own vine and under his own fig tree with none to molest him or make him afraid. And they worshipped the banner of Unculpsalm, and its folds were unto them as the wings of a protecting angel.

28. Moreover, the Dimmichrats said, We have striven for our brethren of the South against the men of Belial, who teach that it is wrong to oppress the Niggah by the power of Unculpsalm, and now they can no longer use us they cast us off. Behold, we will fight against them, lest, also, they make good their threats, and sever their provinces from our provinces, and there be no more everlasting Niggah, and our occupation be departed forever.

29. And thus it came to pass that there was war in the land of Unculpsalm.

[Richard Grant White], The New Gospel of Peace according to St. Benjamin (New York, [1863]), Book I, 17-21.

PART V

CONDITIONS OF WAR

CHAPTER XIII-THE NORTHERN PEOPLE

75. Good Advice to J. Davis (1861)

BY CHARLES FARRAR BROWNE (ARTEMUS WARD)

Under the nom de plume of "Artemus Ward," Mr. Browne, originally a journalist in Cleveland, became, during his brief career, the most famous and original of American humorists; and his satires on the causes and objects of the war were widely read. Lincoln much enjoyed his writings. — Bibliography of the conditions of the war: Channing and Hart, Guide, § 213.

IN

N my travels threw the Sonny South I heared a heap of talk about Seceshon and bustin up the Union, but I didn't think it mounted to nothin. The politicians in all the villages was swearin that Old Abe (sometimes called the Prahayrie flower) shouldn't never be noggerated. They also made fools of theirselves in varis ways, but as they was used to that I didn't let it worry me much, and the Stars and Stripes continued for to wave over my little tent. Moor over, I was a Son of Malty and a member of several other Temperance Societies, and my wife she was a Dawter of Malty, an I sposed these fax would secoor me the infloonz and pertectiun of all the fust families. Alas! I was dispinted. State arter State seseshed and it growed hotter and hotter for the undersined Things came to a climbmacks in a small town in Alabamy, where I was premtorally ordered to haul down the Stars & Stripes. A deppytashun of red-faced men cum up to the door of my tent ware I was standin takin money (the arternoon exhibishun had commenst, an' my Italyun organist was jerkin his sole-stirrin chimes.) "We air cum, Sir," said a millingtary man in a cockt hat, “upon a hi and holy mishun. The Southern Eagle is screamin threwout this sunny. land proudly and defiantly screamin, Sir !"

"What's the matter with him," sez I, "don't his vittles sit well on his stummick?"

"That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream all over this Brite and tremenjus land!"

If your Eagle can amuse hisself by screamin, men annoyed me for I was Bizzy makin

"You're right, Capting. It's every man's dooty to visit my show," sed I.

"We air cum

"And that's the reason you are here!" sez I, larfin one of my silvery larfs. I thawt if he wanted to goak I'd giv him sum of my sparklin eppygrams.

"Sir, you're inserlent. The plain question is, will you haul down the Star-Spangled Banner, and hist the Southern flag!"

"Your wax works and beests is then confisticated, & you air arrested as a Spy!"

I was carrid to Montgomry in iuns and placed in durans vial. The jail was a ornery edifiss, but the table was librally surplied with Bakin an Cabbidge. This was a good variety, for when I didn't hanker after Bakin I could help myself to the cabbige.

I had nobody to talk to nor nothing to talk about, howsever, and I was very lonely, specially on the first day; so when the jailer parst my lonely sell I put the few stray hairs on the back part of my hed (I'm bald now, but thare was a time when I wore sweet auburn ringlets) into as dish-hevild a state as possible, & rollin my eyes like a manyyuck, I cride: "Stay, jaler, stay! I am not mad but soon shall be if you don't bring me suthing to Talk!" He brung me sum noospapers, for which I thanked him kindly.

At larst I got a interview with Jefferson Davis, the President of the Southern Conthieveracy. He was quite perlite, and axed me to sit down and state my case. I did it, when he larfed and said his gallunt men had been a little 2 enthoosiastic in confisticatin my show.

"Yes," sez I," they confisticated me too muchly. I had sum hosses confisticated in the same way onct, but the confisticaters air now poundin stun in the States Prison in Injinnapylus."

"Wall, wall, Mister Ward, you air at liberty to depart; you air frendly