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castrian burr of tedious delegates fect rhetorician ; whilst Fox, like an from the clothing districts. Fox, athlete, threw aside the ornaments of Pitt, Windham, were in the fulness rhetoric as so many encumbrances to of their fame, and the setting glories the muscular play of his limbs. It of Burke were still above the hori. was this circumstance that diminishzon. I observed the reporters plying ed the value of my services as a retheir nightly labours, and under- porter. There was another. I could standing that they were not badly make no hand of the second and third paid, again I said with Corregio, “I rate speakers. If I abridged them, too will be a reporter.” I could not, they complained of being mutilated. it is true, write short-hand, but I If I served them up their own unacould rely upon a strong memory, dulterated nonsense in its primitive having more than once borne away state, they vowed they were misrean entire speech of one of those great presented. It chanced, that in the men with a truth and fidelity that ordinary routine of duty, I had to rerendered it at once, as a verbal and port the speech of a member whom intellectual copy, far superior to the I could not well hear, and who was reports of the papers. In particu- supporting a certain job with all his Jar, I addressed myself to the pecu- might and main. Finding the effort liar character of Fox as a speaker, to follow him painful in the extreme, having often heard it remarked, that I asked a person who sat next to me, it resembled that of Demosthenes. if he had collected the substance of I found the parallel, however, erro- what he had said. My informant, as neous. In appalling or sarcastic in- I afterwards learned, was adverse to terrogatory, in rapid lightning flashes the job, -and, unfortunately, so imof indignation, withering, where it pregnated with the arguments against fell, there was some analogy. But it, that he began instantly to state the compression of Demosthenes, them one after another. "I took it close and adamantine,—even the for granted they were those of the graces, equally the result of severe, inaudible member, whom he perperhaps midnight toil, that play over haps might bave heard more dishis discourses, like the smiles of the tinctly than I could, from having the terrific ocean, rendered his manner advantage of quicker organs; and unlike that of Fox, whose eloquence, with this impression, bastened with seemingly impeded by the rapidity my report to the office. The next of his conceptions, and like a great morning, the orator figured as a pow. stream hiding itself among tangled erful opponent of the job he had thickets, and then re-appearing in supported through thick and thin. I its full expanse of waters, rushed was obliged, therefore, to resign my forth like a torrent from his soul. post. Such was the sinister result In Fox's reasoning, I thought also of a mere casual proximity to the that I could discover what was too officious gentleman, who so kindly evanescent for the commonplace re- led me into the error. porter, a refined logic, conducting to And now, the demon of contiguity the most beautiful of moral demon- seemed disposed to assist me in restrations.

pairing the ills he had done me. At Perry, of the Morning Chronicle, a friend's house, I was seated next saw my specimen, and forthwith 1 to his daughter, who was likely, became a reporter. I did not suc- on the expected demise of a relative, ceed quite so well with Pitt.

The

to be possessed of a tolerable forimpression produced by one of his tune. I met her at the same table speeches on my mind was that of a frequently, each time contriving to pageant, or a procession of beautiful sit next to her. She was what people figures, like those which embellish call sensible; that is, she spoke comthe friezes of an ancient temple. mon things on common subjects ;Every word, by a miraculous collo- nor did I like her the worse for not cation, found its place—yet, as a being crammed with reading. My whole, it was too uniform and fin- assiduities pleased her, and we ished, aud with too few under parts, were married. to sink deeply into the memory, No mortal man could feel more which requires frequent contrasts to sensitively the transition to a married aid it. In a word, Pitt was the per- state, than Gregory Hipkins the Unlucky. It was a change, physical and pions dropt into his mouth when he moral, of the entire man--a new idio- gave his first yawn in the morningsyncracy, as it were, kneaded into and, on one occasion, having aceihis own. It brought new connex. dentally met with a fall, during the ions, new habitudes--fathers-in-law procession of Juggernaut, lay stretch-brothers-in-law-mothers-in-law. ed at full length, whilst the chariot, It was like a change of tribe to an followed by myriads of worshippers, Israelite. I could only see, or think, went over him, In short, it became or feel, as they did -enter into their ą penance beyond my powers of ensquabbles on one side or another, durance, to live on terms of ordinary for neutrality is an indulgence sel complaisance with a liar of such dom permitted. As I said, my wife's magnitude. As often, however, as I property was only an expectancy was about to utter an incredulous but so little likely to be defeated, expression, the conjugal frown of that my father.in-law gave us, in the Mrs Hipkins rebuked me to silence; interim, a scanty stipend to live on. and sometimes a pinch of the arm, Expectation is a fine glittering thing, with a “Can't you be quiet, Grebut a most sorry purveyor for imme, gory?” was requisite to keep me diate wants. I was in reality a pen- quiet. sioner upon my wife's caprices, of And thus things went on till the which, to say the truth, she had no day of our departure. In the room, scanty assortment,

which, from its containing about a I had my cure, however. It was dozen volumes, the Colonel called to get into the good books of the his library, I saw on his desk the uncle, whose will was in a short time portrait of a ferocious royal tiger, to be the cornucopiæ to render us which he had sketched in India, and easy and affluent. We spent much had exhibited to us the evening be. of our time at his villa, near London. fore. He had been giving it, I supHe was a Lieutenant-Colonel in the pose, some additional touches, for a India service, and a bachelor; and pencil lay beside it. The proximity having scraped together a few lacs of the pencil proved my ruin; for of rupees, he had returned with a seeing the words, " Drawn on the sallow complexion, and the reduced spot," in his own hand at the bottom, portion of liver usually brought an irresistible impulse seized me to back to England by old Indians. It add the additional ones, " in the ab. was in truth an easy commerce we sence of the tiger.". The interpolahad to carry on; on our part, to hear tion, at once reflecting on his vera. his military adventures, surpassing city and his courage, did not meet every thing the world of fiction bis eye till some days after our de. or reality had heretofore yielded,- parture. The moment he saw it, he on his, to recount them from morn was at ņo loss to discover its author, to night. A miles gloriosus of this made another will instantly in fa description would have been a trea- vour of some distant relations, and sure to Plautus or Ben Jonson. He died not long after he made it. At stood nine hours up to the neck in this most seasonable juncture, my water at the first breach in Seringapa- father-in-law, who, though overflow. tam-looked tigers full in the face, ing with affection for his daughter, while he sketched their likenesses had possibly, with Shakspeare, a fine crossed the Ganges with bullocks poetical feeling respecting the and baggage, over a bridge formed uses of adversity,"withdrew, on some by the backs of sleeping alligators, kind parental pretence or other, the slept in cots, with cobra di capellos little stipend he had allowed us. coiled upon his pillow, while scor

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In this ebb of our fortunes, Gregory Hipkins found reli. amusement, and amusement play. All the world wax time mad to see the

hin not above four feet high, heroic characters of Shak

He was, however, at the fhla fame ;-the universal that idiot wonder which

at certain periods, leads the play- together like gravestones that had
going part of the public by the nose, felt the upheaving of an earthquake
and fills the theatres to overflowing. -and breathing-powers of heaven,
We succeeded in getting into the pit, rather of hell — such vapours aş
without any accident worth men- were never brushed from the un-
tioning, unless it was the loss of a wholesome fens of Sierra Leone it.
valuable shawl from my wife's self—" Dear Gregory,” she croaked,
shoulders, the gift of our dear de- " beloved, have I found you at last?”
parted uncle, who had scaled the She must have caught my name
walls of a zenana, to receive it as a from my wife, as she followed us, on
gift from the fair hands of a rich our return from the play, into the
Begum, who was in love with him, pit avenue. " Dear Gregory”-
having first put to death half-a-dozen Frantic even to madness, I strove to
Mussulman guards, who, with naked shake her off, with efforts almost
scimitars, opposed his entrance. supernatural ; but she clung to me

We were not so fortunate in gets as the venomed-shirt to Alcides, re-
ting out. The inconvenient vomi- newing her unearthly raptures, and
tories of a London playhouse are beseeching me not to desert her, in
proverbial. On this occasion there tones, or rather howls, of so un-
was such a pressure, that Mrs Hip- usual a kind, as to invite a crowd of
kins found great difficulty in keep- linkboys and hackney.coachmen to
ing hold of my arm, and I had to take an interest in the spectacle.
endure grumblings of the true con- The philosophy of the moment is
jugal kind without end—" Dear me, the best in these cases, " It is a
Gregory, how can you be so stupid poor unhappy maniac," I said, walk-
-Lord, how you pull-Heavens, ing quietly homewards, and hanging
why don't you come on!" I could down my ears, as Horace did, when
get on no farther. There had been he vainly strove to shake off the
seated next to me a person with a friend he met in the Via Sacra of
wooden leg, which had more than Rome. But did my eyes deceive
once bruised my shins during the me? No; they did not.
performance, and, by its accursed A few yards onwards, and not
proximity, was still destined to tor- many from my own residence, I
ment me; for it had fixed itself up- could perceive Mrs Gregory Hip-
on my foot, and kept me immo- kins in close proximity to a tall Irish
vable, and in great agony, till the tide hussar, who had sat next her at the
of human beings passed by, separa- play. She was leaning on his arm,
ting my wife from me, and carrying and listening to bis discourse, or
that gentle creature onwards in its rather rhodomontade, with much
vortex. In vain I remonstrated, earnestness. The proximity of per-
bellowed, swore-he himself could son, too, was greater than was re-
not stir, for a contiguous door-post, quired in the casual escort of a gen.
behind which the crowd had jam- tleman to a lady who accidentally
med him. At length he released me, stood in need of his protection. In
and again feeling the pressure of a the meanwhile, the increasing rap:
female arm upon my own, I hobbled tures of the hideous Duessa still
on, deeming myself not unfortunate sticking to my arm, attracted the
in having so soon been rejoined by notice of my wife and the hussar,
Mrs Hipkins. At this moment, a who turned back to have their share
pressure of the hand, somewhat ten- of the diversion.
derer than betokens the second “ This poor wretch," I said to Mrs
post-matrimonial year of couples Hipkins, " is out of her mind. Com-
much more tender than Mr and mon humanity will not suffer me to
Mrs Gregory Hipkins, induced me use violent means of getting rid of
to turn my face towards her. Un her."
speakable horror-one moment for ^ Oh, Mr Hipkins,” replied my
the magic pen of Spenser to paint amiable spouse," your part of the
me the lineaments of the foulest of piece is well got up. An old at-
hags, that ogled, as I bent my head tachment perhaps "-
beneath a flaunting, tawdry bonnet, I relished her irony but little, and
with a grin that revealed teeth of that of her Hibernian gallant still

ery size, shape, and hue, huddled less, who, eyeing the withered frag

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ment of the female form that hung his wife was essentially vulgaron my arm, ranted in the truest of and genuine thorough-bred vulgaribrogues,

ty is a compound of all that is horrid

in the female creation-and began a “ Warm in their ashes live her wonted fires,"

series of upbraidings after the truest

precedents of vulgar women. Had my arm been unfettered by its “ Well, Mr Hipkins-you have loathsome burden, I should have parted on good terms, I trust, with aided his gravitation to the earth by your old flanie ?" she ejaculated. an immediate application of my fist “ And you with yours, I hope, to the untenanted skull of this most madam,” was my reply. impudent of blockheads. But I was A sort of peace was patched up. bent upon effecting my deliverance. It seems that she had met her friend It was a struggle that lasted three or Captain Mahoney somewhere befour minutes, during which Mrs Gre- fore, and that the acquaintance was gory Hipkins, with her one-eyed renewed by his accidentally sitting beau, (I forgot to mention that her next to her at the play. The step of Apollo was a mutilated statue,) captain, indeed, was a piece of prowalked towards my house with all motion she herself gave him, perpossible composure. Nor was it but haps euphoniæ gratia; for the fellow by the fortunate accident of my per- was only an ensiga. secutor's stumbling on

a broken " And you know, Gregory, I could part of the pavement, and thereby not decline his arm, when I lost you losing hold of my arm, that I suc- in the crowd; besides, really, he was ceeded in giving her a push that laid so civil, really.” her at full length in the mud that My own story told itself, and Mrs had collected in the chasm, and Hipkins was, or pretended to be, breaking away from her in the midst satisfied. of mingled moans for the desertion Strange incidents bring on strange of " her Gregory," and the ruin of indispositions. Mrs Gregory Hipkins her

gros de Naples gown, and Brus. became bilious. Cheltenham is the sels veil. My wife was at the door only place for bilious people. Her in the act of wishing her Damon whole family, she pleaded, were afgoodnight; but there was

flicted with “ the bile," and Cheltenthing in the mode of wishing it, that ham bad cured them, one after the “ denoted a foregone conclusion.” other. I had no counter plea but I rushed in-Mrs Hipkins had squat- the hourly-wasting condition of my ted herself on a sofa. She sighed, purse. What is that against an exas vulgar women do on such occa- pedition on which a female sets her sions-alas! Gregory Hipkins the heart ? So behold us inmates of Unlucky had made some months Stiles's boarding house at Cheltenbefore the pleasant discovery that ham.

some

CHAP. VI.

“ It is written," says the Turk. seat—the same stream of nothings I was still to be the victim of these absorbing all her faculties; but by proximities. We were sitting down degrees a closer contiguity of bead at the public dining-table, when who and cheek, and the talk frequently should advance towards my wife, subsiding into murmurs. and, with the easy assurance of a I was always inclined to think jeaface thrice dipped in the brazen lousy'a very foolish species of selfstream of the Shannon, take bis seat tormenting. The woman who makes next her, but the same Captain Ma- a man jealous is never worth being honey? He honoured me with a slight jealous about. But who can control token of recognition, and began pour- his fate? We were seated at the ing his unmeaning volubilities into dinner-table as usual—the Captain, her ear; and really Mrs Gregory of course, next to Mrs Hipkins. The Hipkins did seriously incline to hear jangling of a post chaise was heard them. Next day-several days in at the door; and in a few minutes succession—the same proximity of bounced into the apartment_accussed fatality !-the infernal bag that however, were candid enough to had tormented me to death on the admit the insanity--but they benight of the play. Seeing the chair lieved it was my misconduct that next my own unoccupied, toad-like had occasioned it. she squatted in it with an agility of The hag followed me into the High which I did not deem ber capable, Street, whither I had betaken myand began a series of embraces—the self as a refuge, and renewed her mere recollection of which brings a loathsome endearments. At last, cold fainting sickness over me even seeing a mob of ladies and gentleat this moment. I brushed them off

men, as well as a mob of a less refi. as well as I could ; but to stop her ned class collecting around us, I tongue, whilst it was revelling in the thought the jest was becoming somemaddest hyperboles of fondness, was what too serious, and called in the impossible. “ Dear Gregory-be- aid of a constable or two, who, with loved Gregory! We meet to part no some difficulty, took her into cusmore! Cruel man, to leave me in tody. Thus the affair would have that dirty puddle-my gros de Na- ended, had it been that of any other ples will never more be fit to wear.” of the myriads that people God's

All eyes were upon me. A buzz earth-but Gregory Hipkins the Un. went round—“A pleasing recogni. lucky. The sage tribunal of every tion,” said one. '« He looks con- library, the assembled wisdom of the foundedly sheepish,” remarked an- Pump-room, gave it against me. It other. “His wife does not seem over- was quite clear that I had married a pleased,” said a third.“ Wife!” ob- second wife, the first being still li. served a fourth, with an air of posi- ving, which the young barrister had tive information, don't you see convinced them amounted to bigamy that the lady who is just arrived is having, moreover, clapped my first his first wife, who is come to claim wife into prison to get rid of her her husband ?” And in this inter- evidence. The lawyer thought that pretation, which, merely implying a magistrate should call on me to ihat I was guilty of bigamy, recom- find bail — others thought that I mended itself by its simplicity, every ought not to be at large on any terms one acquiesced. Nay, I could dis- whatever. tinctly hear a young barrister at the Conjugal disputes are settled or end of the table laying it down to be revived at night. I bitterly rea felony, and quoting the Duchess of proached Mrs Gregory Hipkins. She Kingston's case to prove that it was was dreadfully affected by my reclergyable.

proaches-and went to sleep. The My tormentor's plate being laden next morning she rose early to take with meat, I had a short respite the waters at the pump-room. Worn wbilst she devoured it. The farce, out by the petty persecutions of the however, which 80 highly preceding day, 1 claimed the priviamusing to every body but myself, lege of a protracted slumber. I could was soon renewed, and motioning remark, however, that she was a Mrs Hipkins to follow me, I endea- considerable time at her toiletvoured to steal away. But Mrs Hip- and heard, though indistinctly, a ce

conkins, amiable woman, not wishing fused noise or rustling, and a stirring to increase the uproar, as I supposed, of band-boxes betokening a packingstirred not, and the frantic bedlamite up. Nor was I deceived. On going again clung round me. In vain I down into the breakfast-room, I strove to impress the company with learned that Mrs Gregory Hipkins the obvious fact, that the woman was and Captain Mahoney had departed insane. Probably I might have suc- four hours before, seated next to ceeded, had not the unaccountable each other in a post-chaise. conduct of Mrs Hipkins encouraged a theory less favourable to me. Some,

was

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