1770. DIARY. 193 Monday, December 10.-I went this morning to visit some people of fashion, and was enabled to speak to them of the things of God. This I believe to be the answer of prayer.-Afterwards, I visited my school, and found the poor children singing a hymn. My heart was filled with joy and gratitude to the Lord for having made me the instrument of bringing these poor souls to sing his praise. After dinner, I went to visit a near relation, and soon fell into a worldly spirit, and said not a serious word;-came home with guilt upon my conscience. I find I want that deep seriousness which can alone preserve me from the contagion of worldly company. Tuesday, December 11.-This morning I received a visit from two young ladies, to whom I was enabled to speak freely against the fashionable follies, and pressed upon them to examine their own hearts, to see if they experienced the influence of the gospel, or had any saving knowledge of the truths of God. After they were gone, I felt deeply ashamed before God for the poor manner in which I had spoken of him, and feared having talked of things I did not experience myself. I got a clear view of the evil of sin, and never felt it so deeply, nor such a burden before. I wrestled long with God in prayer, and got power from him to keep my heart and tongue through the day. My fears of hypocrisy were also removed, and I believed that this was indeed the Spirit of God convincing me of sin, and carrying on his work upon my soul, giving me a sight of my backslidings and shortcomings. My soul longed to employ this whole evening in prayer, and I got it partly accomplished. I find the spirit is willing, but the flesh weak. N Wednesday, December 12.-I spent most part of this morning, till twelve o'clock, in prayer, and found my soul longing and thirsting after the experimental knowledge of Christ. Afterwards I had some edifying discourse with Dr Erskine, which was interrupted by visitors. I was enabled to continue to speak before them of the things of God, and we were all refreshed, and I hope profited. When they were gone, I found it needful to ask the Lord to pardon the self-seeking and spiritual pride, which I discovered in my own heart. I was then led out to praise the Lord for his goodness, and to pray that he would impart grace to all men, that every thing that he had made might praise him for ever. Dr Erskine says, that a general acquaintance, even with good people, is a loss to a Christian,-it takes up much of that time which ought to be employed in communion with God, and bestows it on the creature. This is certainly true; I therefore resolve, through grace, to give up all needless and useless visits, and redeem more time for private devotion. In this way my faith will be strengthened, and then I shall not be so easily hurt when I go out among others. I find I have not yet attained an appropriating faith in Christ as my Saviour;-I see my need of him-my heart is like to break at times for longing for him-I think I am willing to part with all, even life itself, for his love: But by and by my soul grows dead,-a crowd of useless impertinent thoughts break in upon me like a flood without my consent, and hurry me away I know not whither. This often happens when I am at prayer; and when I discover the treachery of my enemies, who have thus unawares got possession of me, I cry aloud to the Lord for help, and he delivers me. O for a steadfast faith, to cleave continually to the 1770. DIARY. 195 Lord. Then should I be more than conqueror! Lord, grant me this faith. Thursday, December 13.-I found liberty in private prayer this morning, but great wanderings in family worship; the enmity of the natural heart was strong, and there was a great struggle between the old and new nature within me. I felt great deadness in speaking to some people about their souls this forenoon, yet the Lord carried me on, giving me something more to say, when I thought I had not another word. Alas! I am very dead and of a careless spirit. I do not mourn after Christ as I have done for some days past. I tremble lest I should again fall into a false peace. O blessed Jesus, suffer me not to find comfort in any thing short of thy love, revealed to my soul by the Holy Ghost! Friday, December 14.-I spent this morning in reading and prayer, and found liberty to cast my soul on Jesus, and trust upon his word both for present and future mercy. I have cause to praise the Lord this day for ordering all things well that concerneth me. Lord G arrived from the country. I received many comfortable letters from absent friends. O how comes it that so many show kindness to such a poor worm as I? What cause have I to bless him who turneth their hearts towards me! Sunday, December 16.-I went this morning to Leith to hear Mr A. Hunter, and found much comfort in hearing him preach from these words,-"To those that believe he is precious." His prayers and sermon came with power to my soul. I felt a secret witness within me, that the marks he gave of true believers applied in some measure to me. Since I came home, I have met with a severe trial, which sent me to a throne of grace with strong cries and tears. The Lord enabled me to plead with him for perfect submission to his will, and he gave me power to rejoice in some measure in this trial, as the way he hath appointed to mortify my corruptions, and to subdue his enemies in my soul. I cast my care upon him, and he hath sustained me, and caused me to look forward with joy to the glorious appearance and second coming of Christ,-to that happy period when all sin and sorrow shall for ever cease, and I shall behold him, and be transformed into his image, and rejoice in his presence for ever more. O blessed trials! happy afflictions! since they bring me nearer to God, and give me clearer views of him for whom my soul longeth. Sunday, December 23.-I have been confined all last week with a cold, and also attending Lord G. who has been ill. I have had little leisure for reading, meditation, or prayer; no Christian companions, nor any person to whom I could speak of the things of God, and my own soul in a dead and uncomfortable frame. At times I have got liberty to pour out my complaint to the Lord, and found some comfort in weeping in secret for my own sins and the sins of others. I have also had refreshing letters from friends at a distance; yet, upon the whole, it is not with me now as in former times of sickness. I am confused, and my thoughts are dissipated. I long for access to God; I groan after him, but cannot get near him. O merciful Jesus! thou who knowest my inmost soul, and canst read the secret desires of my heart, have pity upon me! Grant but the crumbs which fall from thy children's table,remove whatever hinders my intercourse with thee. 1770. DIARY. 197 I desire only thy love,-take whatever else thou wilt from me,-take health, friends, fortune, reputation, or even life itself,-only let me be assured of an interest in thee, and of the eternal enjoyment of thee, in the world to come! Sunday, December 30.-All last week I was confined to my room with sickness, and greatly oppressed in spirit with outward trials, and no inward comfort. I have had little time for prayer; and when I had, my mind was so confused and dissipated, that I was a terror to myself. I have been led to doubt if ever I was awakened. The Lord's dealings with me are very mysterious. I cannot see why he hides his face from me, but I trust it is for my good. I will still hope in his word, that those who trust in him shall never be ashamed, and they that seek him shall find him; and though I am yet in darkness, yet will I hope and wait on him till he sees fit to bring me to light. Why art thou cast down, my soul? Still trust in God, for I shall yet praise him. Monday, December 31.-Another year is gone, and where art thou, my soul? What shall I render unto thee, O Lord, for thy long-suffering kindness and forbearance with me? Hadst thou cut me off in my sins I could not but have justified thee: But thou hast prolonged my day of grace;-still there is hope-still thy Spirit strives with me, and carries on thy work, thy marvellous work, in my soul. Thou art refining me in the furnace of affliction, that I may come forth like gold. I see thy hand in all my trials. They are necessary to my soul,-I could not do without them. Lord, I would submit in all things to thy will. I |